“How do you do it all?”
I used to get that a lot. From other moms at my son’s preschool. From parents at the Y where my daughter took swim lessons. From coworkers at the web consulting agency where I managed a team of designers. From the editor at the publishing company that offered me a contract to write a design book. Even from my husband.
I was a 37-year-old mother of three* and somehow, my kids, my marriage, and my career were all thriving.
Then, one Saturday afternoon in the spring of 2009, while driving to Target to buy diapers, I broke down. Not my car. Me.
photo by Natasha Mileshina
I pulled over to the side of the road, my hands shaking, barely able to breathe. I called my husband and sobbed, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Thus ended my career, and thus began a journey into crippling depression, anxiety, and insomnia; medication, meditation, and therapy. As I learned to heal my body and my mind, I searched for answers to one question: What the hell happened to me?
At first, I thought there was something wrong with me. After all, I had a loving husband, a supportive boss, healthy kids, a good income. If I couldn’t manage a career and a family then how were other women doing it, women who didn’t have all those advantages?
I started talking to my friends, my relatives, my housekeeper, my doctor, my babysitter. I wanted to know how were they managing it. Guess what? They weren’t. They suffered from panic attacks and depression, heart palpitations and hives, migraines and mysterious coughs that won’t go away. Some of them took anti-depressants. Others took anti-anxiety medications. Most of them fantasized about quitting their jobs. They were barely getting by. I had no idea. Like me, they had been putting a brave face on their suffering. Like me, they all assumed there was something wrong with them.
There are dozens of self-help books telling women they can do it all—succeed in demanding careers and still be good parents, good partners, and even happy, fulfilled people. But my experience and that of the women I know tells a different story.
I decided to start this blog as a place where I could organize my thoughts and connect with others who are thinking deeply about this issue. And so, dear reader, we find ourselves here, on an auspicious day, International Women’s Day, at the beginning of what I hope will be a fruitful conversation about why raising kids in the U.S. is so ridiculously, head-achingly, heart-breakingly hard, and what we can do about it.
If you have a story about raising kids and working or watching other people do it, I want to hear about it. If you’re a researcher or a policy maker and care about this issue, let’s talk. If you have a wild or brilliant idea for how to make this better, I want to hear about that, too.
Leave your comment here, or email me privately at katrina@workingmomsbreak.com.
*NOTE: I have two kids of my own and a stepdaughter on the weekends. I never know if I should say I have two kids or three. I usually say three because there are three children I love and care for on a regular basis.
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Right on! I have one kid and honestly the main reason I don’t think we’ll have a second is that it’s just too hard to care for kids and have a fulfilling career in our society. I don’t want to have to choose between a family and a career, but few very people can have both… if you also value your mental health and the occasional full night of sleep. My theory is that you can do it with one but not with two or more.
It’s hard for both parents (in equal or equal-leaning partnerships) but it’s particularly hard for women. I’m in academia, where research has shown that children are a huge liability for women in terms of career advancement (perversely, they are a career booster for men). The very structure of the academic career makes it very hard to have children if you are the main caregiver. Professors who move up the ladder are either: 1) single or 2) have a partner who is willing to put his or her career on the back burner and prioritize the kids.
A study released today, on International Women’s Day, found that women with children earn 68% of what men earn. Much of this is due to the difficulty of balancing work and family, which leads to women taking part time work, putting their career on hold, etc. This takes a toll on women’s careers.
Oops. Meant to write this as a reply…
Great points, Teresa. I just read another report recently that said the pay inequity between men and women is bad, but the inequity between mothers and non-mothers is far worse. It’s a caregiving penalty. I know several women who feel like they’re cheating on their jobs by raising kids, and have decided NOT to ask for a raise for this reason.
Also, there’s a book called “Mothers on the Fast Track” that talks specifically about the issues facing women in academia. Unfortunately, our “make it or break it” career years (30-40 yrs old) coincide with when most of us have children.
I’m so thrilled you’ve launched a blog on this topic. I’m a mom of two (15 month old and 3 year old), working 80% in the investment management software space. My husband also works 80% in a public school. So, Mondays when he’s with the kids, and Fridays when I’m with them, are relatively smooth sailing. But Tues/Wed/Thurs when we both arrive home w/ the kiddos at 5:15 and everyone’s hungry are just insane! My big “aha” is that there has to be some flexibility in the system – whether 1 or both parents work less, grandparents (my folks are in Boston & we’re in the Bay Area) or friends help out. What I’ve found recently is that while I’m not trying to fast-track my career, I feel *guilty* when I work from home 1 day/week (even when i’m kicking a** AND work most weeknights after the kids go to bed). Where’s that guilt coming from? We’re just putting one foot in front of the other and really would love to hear what infrastructure or tools or philosophies others have put into place to ease the insanity. Like, brazilian dance class!? Crock pot or pressure cooker!? Telecommuting 1 day/week? Thanks, Katrina, for beginning this dialogue!
Ah, the guilt…Yes, we’ll be talking a lot more about that.
You know the saying, “If you want to get something done, give it to a busy person”? So if you’re getting more done than most people in less time than it takes them to do it, why all this guilt? I think it has to do with work culture, and the fact that we still have this outdated idea that if someone stays late at the office, it means they’re getting more done. Doesn’t really matter if they’re checking their stocks or playing video games or what. The fact of their presence is a mark of their dedication to the company.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I am trying to be OK with working only part-time and picking my son up & playdating in the afternoons. But the truth is, I guilt myself on two fronts: 1) Why can’t I be a more committed mother and plan awesome, enriching after-school activities: and; 2) Why can’t I do more to excel at my part-time business?
I feel like I am giving a lot to each part of my life but not enough to be truly successful at either. My partner, on the other hand, works all day and brings home the bigger paycheck and WISHES she could be in my shoes.
feeling down today….
I think the hardest part is convincing women that it is not a “personal” problem, but a really out of control societal problem. I see this as one of the biggest challenges to solving this whole mystery. It’s something that I wrestle with daily. Katrina, thanks for putting this out there on the table for everyone to consider.
Right. There’s a whole school of theory about situationists vs. dispositionists. I can see your eyes glazing over…
In other words, when things go wrong, some of us have a tendency to say the situation caused the problem, while others of us have a tendency to blame individuals who caused the problem.
My uncle Peter could explain this much better than I’m doing right now. But in essence, what I’m saying is many of us look at the stressed out working mom and say “She needs to chill out!” or “She needs to learn to take deep breaths” or whatever, rather than looking at her situation–she has 48 hours worth of stuff she has to do in a 24 hour day.
Hmmm…this sounds like a blog post.
Katrina,
I totally agree, most look at my life and think it is all self inflicted and that I just need to chill out.
I am a mother of four sons ( one happens to be my step-son who lives with us) I work full time and I am in college.
Yes it is my fault for waiting until I was well into my thirties to go to school, but how can you blame a person who is looking to better herself.
The worst thing a person can say to me is “take a deep breath” as a solution to the stress, no give me more hours in the day so I can breath.
This is an important subject. It is truly a wonder how life can catch up with you when you were doing everything just right. Sometimes the spirit is willing but the the body is weak. Sometimes the spirit breaks.
That applies to both men and women. Thank you for focusing on this issue.
Hi Katrina,
Good discussion starter. What a far way we’ve come since having our first, huh?
I’m still working and having those panicked moments you mention; despite having a great support system including the world’s best husband (sorry ladies – he is the best); 2 healthy & sweet boys, and even a fabulous mom-in-law who lives with us.
Are we taught to strive for ‘it all’ and then to have some sort of breakdown and tell everyone professionally to shove it? What if we want to keep trying professionally, and personally?
Katrina,
Thank you for your honesty, compassion and passion! My heart aches reading this as I am in the midst of trying to do it all. Moments when I feel successful are like a drug high, and I want more of that stuff and forget to ask the cost. Moments when I feel like I am not successful, I have to keep the demons of self-hate at bay. I rarely have the clarity to realize I am attempting the impossible and the solution requires crafting a new life for myself that doesn’t buy the perfectionist-do-it-all-myself model. Would love to read about and hear from other single moms and dads!
Yes, single moms and dads, please chime in!
Katrina,
I’m not a mom but your voice echos what I hear from many working-mom friends that I’m going to pass this onto — many of them are in the UK but your points resonate with what they are saying, too.
Great blog, Katrina. So glad you started it. I grapple every day with the internal conflict of what it means to want both professional success and more time with my child. For my son’s first year and a half, I worked 50 hours a week, hating life, missing him. I’m now working 3 days a week on what many would see as an ideal schedule, and it’s still not enough time with my son. At the same time, I am fantasizing/being terrorized every day about the idea being home full time Now I’m 8 months pregnant with baby #2 and still facing all of the same anxieties, insecurities and fears about being a parent and a professional. It’s hard!
Hi Katrina! Thanks a lot for your blog! it’s so truthful and helpful! When I read so many topics about the same feelings as I have, it dawned upon me that I’m not bad mom, wife, employee, I’m simply very tired.
Lindsey, I have the same situation, but without the second baby. My spouse wants the second, but I’m afraid of my condition!
I’m from Russia and know English not very good, but having read posts I want to thank you all once more that you share your impressions. I think it help us.
I’ll take part in the blog if my english enable me to do it.
Katrina, Thanks for the thoughts and sharing. There is a wide range of insanity in being a parent in our times. It’s worth the discussion and conceiving of all the different ways we can do this.
This is so ‘me’ right now I’m embarassed to admit it. Lately I’m beset with one or another physical ailment and/or emotional problem practically every day. I’ve missed so much work that my manager suggested giving me ‘a gallon-container of hand sanitizer.’ Of course that wouldn’t help with the muscle spasms in my back or the insomnia or the guilt of disappointing her, my clients, and above all my children. Katrina, it is SO VALIDATING to read your description of the “psychic burden” that a mom bears, even with a fully-involved partner on board. Thank you for writing so honestly about your experiences.
Thank you, Ros. I think it’s so important that we’re honest about the toll this stuff takes. Otherwise, we think we’re crazy, which just makes the whole thing that much more unbearable. We’re not crazy. Expecting women to do everything in a 24/7 work culture and not break under the weight is what’s crazy.
Hi Katrina, I am so glad you are doing this. I’m definitely coming back for more discussion, but can’t linger at the moment because I promised myself I’d turn OFF the computer at 10 p.m. and sleep!
Katrina – it’s great to see this blog. I’m spreading the word!
I agree. I found this blog and it is just want I need. My neigborhood is filled with stay at home Mom’s. They complain about every little thing and they have no idea what it is like to do everything they do and work 11 hour days! I think if they lived one day of my life it would kill them.
When I started telling my bff that the best part of my day is when I go to bed because the work for the day is over I realized I needed to seek guidance on how to survive parenthood and being a VP in a mans world.
I look forward to reading how others keep their sanity.
Laura, I used to feel the same way, until I tried (briefly) being the stay at home mom, and realized I wasn’t cut out for it. That job for me came with a whole other set of difficulties that I hadn’t imagined—financial uncertainty and stress, living life on “kid time,” feeling isolated, not getting any of the self-esteem boosts I get from working with grownups, etc.
We need more options than the ALL option (work crazy hours, live like a rat in a maze) and the NOTHING option (meaning no job, or an underpaid, exploitative Mommy Track “job,” plus shouldering all the kid care).
I just stumbled across this blog and am so glad to read it. I have known since I was pregnant that I could not work full time and raise my child. I know there are people who can and I think that’s fine, but I want to be the primary caretaker of my child. My husband is underemployed and we’re both working part time and caring for our daughter. We have the huge luxury of working from home, but we are barely making ends meet. It angers me that, as mothers, our options are to have a wealthy partner who works while we care for our children, to work full-time ourselves and pay someone else to care for our children, or to cobble together a self-made solution that will often mean we struggle financially. I don’t know what the solution is, but I imagine there has to be a better option.
Well said, Meagan.
Meagan, I ABSOLUTELY agree with your point. My husband’s work is seasonal, more often than not, and I had no other choice but to go back to work full-time in order to have some kind of steady income and health benefits streaming in. My son is 8 months old now and I have been back to work since he was barely 4 months old. Just last month, however, I had to scale back my hours from 40/week to 32/week. I just was getting terribly burned out. And I don’t feel out of the woods yet. The lack of sleep, financial stress and guilt I feel about not spending the kind of time I would like to with my kid all contribute to making me feel like an ogre most of the time.
My husband stays home with our son; otherwise it would cost us an average of $1100/mo. for daycare. Even combined our incomes do not justify this amount – one of us would just basically be working in order to pay someone else to raise our child.
Katrina, thank you! Thank you for starting a blog regarding an issue that many of us may have thought we were the only ones dealing with.
hi katrina,
i’ve worked just off and on,also was fortunate to have my mom -in-law with me so raising my girls was hardly any pressure.but i do admire women who are able to manage home n work all by themselves.i do have my thoughts on that…..and will be glad if you visit my blog.doing anything against nature surely has its demerits too.all cannot be super-women right!
OMG Thank you. I just stumbled on your story and your site. In fact, not long ago, I left my job. My very good, actually not too difficult, good for rubbing elbows, nice benefits, chances to travel, they let me work from home when we moved job. Why? something had to give.
When my daughter turned one, my wife went back to work after taking the year off to get our daughter off to a good start. I had been doing interactive design from home, which worked out great in that first year. I have precious video of us from that euphoric time. When my wife went back to work, she went into aggressive “career” mode, and I became part-time, because as you discovered, it’s extremely difficult to give the love every child needs, while meeting the demands of American work life.
I went through many of the same struggles that women go through, the same bouts of anxiety and depression, medication, and then the medication causing more problems. Antidepressants made me feel really weird, and getting off them created incredible anxiety. I just recently weened myself off Ambien after being dependent on it for two years.
So yes, I’ve been there in a slightly different way–in my case, it was more struggling with the expectations of being a traditional male breadwinner in a situation where I had taken on the role of stay at home dad and part time worker. I think I would have been fine with that perception, except that my wife was not supportive at all. She failed to recognize that the contribution I was making gave her the flexibility to go on business trips and work late and allow her career to take off. Ironically, she seemed to embrace the old male perspective of entitlement in being the “provider” and didn’t see equal value in our switched roles.
So my daughter is nine and I’m putting my life back together, now that I understand what was happening to me. Thanks for sharing your experiences! I look forward to hearing about how you strike a balance and where life takes you..
I just found your blog through Working Moms Against Guilt. You are absolutely right! The pressures we put on ourselves are just crazy. I think a lot of people do think they can handle it all and it’s just too much to handle. Juggling is tough. Glad I found your blog!
I also just found your blog through Working Moms Against Guilt. This is so true and refreshing to hear. I have a 4 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I work full time, as does my husband. Sometimes I think that I am working JUST to pay for childcare! On the otherhand, we could never afford to live on one salary. Between dropping off, going to work and actually focusing, picking up, cooking the non-existent magical dinner, homework (in Kindergarten?!), bath, and bedtime…you’re exhausted by 8:30! Hahaha then I slowly glance around my upsidedown house and full sink of dishes and just pour a glass of wine. 🙂 It’s an insane time and it’s so nice to know that others are out there. I find that I have insomnia every Sunday night and am a total ZOMBIE on Monday morning. I think it’s knowing that we have to start all over again. LOL
yes… as I enjoy my beer. Misery loves company!??
I am a working mom, in school (working on my masters degree). Too tired to say much more…
I just found this blog from reading another blog.
I can relate…
I had three children while attempting to climb the corporate ladder and I was a hot mess most of that time – tired, depressed (but not acknowledging it), trying to do everything and just tired. I have a supportive husband, but somehow we women seem to ptu this undue stress on ourselves…
And then I had baby # 4…10 years later.
With baby # 4 – the clarity I was craving for was complete: I cant do everything all at once all the time, something’s got to give and its not the family, and its OK if I never become a corporate exec.
Baby # 4 is now seven and the older children are in college; the husband is even more supportive; and then I had another realization – life’s too short and it goes in stages. Everything can be done – just not all at the same time.
Just left my “thriving” law career. It was thriving until about 18 months ago when I completely lost interest, couldn’t focus, couldn’t seem to get anything done. With 4 kids (2 of mine are stepkids too), my husband’s business to oversee, our household to run, AND my job on top of everything else, I just couldn’t do it anymore. But I was too chicken to leave my law partner job. At 47 I don’t feel I have many other career options. But the situation finally came to a head in the past two weeks where my dear employer and I both agreed it wasn’t working anymore and I needed to go. I’m still dealing with horrible guilt over that, and feeling like I screwed it all up, but at the same time loving the euphoria of being free of something I only did for the money and not because I liked it. I have fought the firm for a small severance — nearly 19 years of toil there and they can barely be bothered to recognize the contribution I made — and am taking a much needed mental break for a while before I go back to searching for the perfect job. I’m also helping my husband in his business and maybe that will become my full time job now. I’m totally burned out and ready to spend some time walking the dog and waiting for the kids to get home from school! That sounds about just right now for at least the short- term future.
“…I’m still dealing with horrible guilt over that, and feeling like I screwed it all up…”
This is like salt in the wound. It sucks to have to accept your own limitations, which we all have. It’s double-sucks when you feel BAD about them. I hope, when the dust settles, you can enjoy this time and get much needed rest.
@ alison, While I’m not a lawyer and have in no way stashed enough money from a job like yours, I feel that I am in some way similar to you (age-wise at least!) I had the BEST job of my career (marketing/advertising) but the company that I worked for got divested from its HUGE parent company (even tho it was profitable!. argh) It had basically everything that I’ve always wanted out of a job (since kids), i.e. a great OLDER boss whom I respected, 9-5 hours (it was a professional place and we all seemed to get our work done), hence, a work-life balance, and full of other smart people. It was also a short drive from my home. Now, after a year out of work (although I was/am helping my husband’s business with its marketing) I am needing to find another full-time job for financial reasons. The hardest part is, I really don’t want to. I am trying to stay positive about it, but I know that I might fall into the author’s demise from it. I am also fearing having to eat government cheese in retirement as I will turn 47 next week and do not have what I consider enough in my funds after 2008’s fiasco. (My last job was convincing old white CEOs that THEY didn’t have enough. ha!)
I seriously have no idea how others have the strength to survive out there with less.
Hi everyone,
I am a mom of two daughters, 6 and 7 years old, and I tried to be the superwoman too, people admired me for it and often encouraged me, ended up in a really bad place, broke down and had to take a 6 months leave from work, big burn out.Since my first child, I completed 2 bachelors in university and launched a career in communications (full time) and had to keep my full time job just to make ends meet, get experience, my husband developped his business and it was risky, so we had many challenges, especially financially. I am so happy to find this blog, I really felt alone, but we are not alone, we are just ashamed to say the truth to one another: we feel like unfit at everything we do, overwhelmed, overly tired, irritated, maniacs about to do lists that never end or seem to get longer everytime we look at them to cross something off…women, let’s be honest, this society is insane to think that we can do it all, it’s killing us! And how are we suppose to pay for the house, the car, the bills, food, etc with one salary these days? I want a auto-sufficient house in the woods (no bills to pay) for goodness sake!! and I am not even a big fan of the woods either, I just want out of this rat race!
I want a auto-sufficient house in the woods (no bills to pay) for goodness sake!! and I am not even a big fan of the woods either, I just want out of this rat race!
I just want to live in a shack in Hawaii!
Me too! 😀
I totally agree! I have everything going for me; great husband, 2 healthy boys, great career and we are surrounded by our family members. Then why am I so overwhelmed and full of anxiety. Why do we strive to be the best at all of our roles. Why can’t we accept “it is what it is”. Also I feel we are our worst enemies. There is no one harder on myself than myself. I have decided to work 80% next year as a school teacher. And I feel this is a step for trying to find peace and happiness in my life. I have a long road ahead but I will get that balance in my life. I also believe Less is More!!! Thanks for openning this discussion and making my level of anxiety decress because I see I am not alone.
This is why I started a practice as a life coach for parents. I have one child so far and have been astounded by how difficult it all is. Thanks for your posts. Please check out my website and let me know how I can make my services available to your readership.
Greetings! I know this is kinda off topic but I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa? My website covers a lot of the same subjects as yours and I think we could greatly benefit from each other. If you are interested feel free to send me an email. I look forward to hearing from you! Awesome blog by the way!
Burnout describes EVERY mom I know. Maybe we are all drawn to eachother by our mutual looks of “I’m about to lose it”. Even when I was able to be a stay home mom involved with a large group of other stay home moms, I don’t recall anyone being blissful. If they were, all the other moms would describe them as the “medicated moms”. After my divorce last year I had to make the jump to full time working mother of one 12 year old son. I work 40 hours a week, take care of a one acre property (mowing,etc,) pool upkeep (can’t afford a service), housekeeping, homework, shopping, cooking, you name it. I have had to change my attitude and my expectations. The pool is green? Well, just don’t go in it this week. The toilets need scrubbing and the laundry is overflowing? Well, we will get to it. Instead of waiting for a ball to drop (because I’m a terrible juggler), I just let them fall and deal with it. I fantasize about taking a year off, just to breathe again, figure out my life, come out of my cocoon. This is not possible for financial reasons but I think about it everyday!
I am starting a new job on Monday. Less hours, more flexibility and some sanity. I think this could save my sanity
When I started having my own children, I had already raised 3 stepsons. I was a ‘mature’ mom (they told me). We survived the first round of 3 children and 2 working parents, but barely. By the time we started the ‘second’ family, we had made a few discoveries about what we would need to do differently. We survived the early years of the next 2 children, but decided very early on that one of us would become a stay-at-home parent when our daughter got to middle school. We found middle school years the most difficult for the first 3 children and felt we could do better if one parent was stay at home.
Well, that was our goal and the bad economy helped us make the move. My husband became a stay-at-home dad the summer before our oldest daughter entered 6th grade. This move to a single wage earner family was in the planning stage for years. We passed up opportunities in the housing market to move to a large home figuring we’d need the flexibility our small mortgage would give us later on. That helped a lot!
Both girls have THRIVED in the new arrangement. Grades are up, extra curriculars are up, our diets are improved (now that we cook most meals at home), and I still can’t imagine how we both worked and raised 3 kids for 16 years before we figured something had to give.
I don’t know who this arrangement is harder on, me or my husband. I have the added stress of being the sole wage earner and he has to figure out how to keep his brain active when day time television is barely intellectual enough for a 2 year old. What I do know is that the girls are thriving and would NEVER, EVER, EVER choose to have us both working.
So I am sitting her (at work) thinking about how school is almost over and I am so upset that another summer is coming up and I will be stuck inside at work again while all (well not ALL) the mom’s are out at the pool or wherever with their kids having a great time. It is depressing me. So I decide to Google ‘Working Moms’ in hopes that I find some other moms in my situations. Of course I do! I just read this and WOW – you sound just like me. Earlier this year, I got super sick. I never get sick. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Of course after the gazillion tests and everything, I realized I was at my breaking point as well. My anxiety has been through the roof. I am always trying to please everyone. Do my best at work, be there for my husband, kids and home. I just cannot do it anymore. Well, I don’t have a choice. So far, I have hired a house keeper. We’ll see how that works. What I would love is a break. Although I know that won’t happen, I am doing my best by trying to take it easy, trying to relax….breathe.
I’m having one of those panic attacks that you’re talking about right now…while I’m at work. My husband stays home with our son (3, who has Asperger’s) and I’m the sole provider. I want to walk out of my job right now, but I know I can’t. I think I’m going to end up in a hospital somewhere…I’m losing my mind! My heart is racing, I’m shaking very badly. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. And I’m so tired. I just want to crawl up in bed and stay there for a couple of weeks. How do you get through this?
Tell yourself “This feeling will pass and I’ll still be here.” It’s just a feeling. Focus on making your out breath longer than your in breath. 4 counts in, 8 counts out…
I can’t agree with the rest of the moms more. I’m an aerospace engineer working 30 hrs/wk. I have two kids ages 1 and 4. Being in a male dominated field, I have hardly any sympathy or understanding from anyone. Im constantly being harassed about going full time and they are purposely holding back opportunities from me until I go full time.
Between the housework, work, kids, and the marriage, I can barely keep afloat. Just yesterday my boys were behaving terribly, the crying screaming and fighting wouldnt stop. I literally wanted to leave the house and escape away from everything teetering between sanity and insanity. What I would do for 1/2 day to myself….. what a dream.
I recently started having anxiety attacks. I almost landed up in hospital thinking I have some serious neurological problems, perhaps a life threatening disease. When I closely watched my symptoms (ofcourse this is after I got tired of getting medical tests done), I learnt I started feeling anxiety right after work, when I was getting ready to go home. My hands shook as I drove my car. I felt lonely, helpless and guilty about feeling that ways. Most women look forward to being with their family end of their work day, don’t they? I accidently came across your posts and oh what a relief to learn I am not alone after all!
You said: “…I started feeling anxiety right after work, when I was getting ready to go home.”
Don’t feel guilty. Actually, Zena, I think this is really common. When we have too much to do, and no time to ourselves, being with the kids can be oppressive, even though we love them to bits.
As Therese said below, this anxiety may just be your “snap back to reality.”
Wow I just looked at the date on this and it was just 2 years ago that you started this blog. I completely understand that breaking down feeling. It happened to me before getting married and before having my son. I was 24 years old going through a midlife crisis.
I had a job most people would kill for and I was not eating or sleeping trying to keep it. I missed a few holidays, but it was my parents and aunts, uncles and cousins so the complaints did not bother me all that much. I just did not want to be that cruel in my way of thinking, because eventually I would be missing things with my own child.
It (The Break, my name for it) is a result of the noise, the constant complaints. It is the layers of crap we tell ourselves to hold on to things that just don’t matter. The Break was your snap back to reality I guess at least it was for me. You can do it all. But why would you really want to?
I want to wake up on a tuesday afternoon and stay in bed with my son and my husband. Oh wait I do wake up at random times and chill in bed for hours I work from home and I set my own hours. That is what you needed. That is what we all need.
I work full time, have 4 children ages 3,4,5,15. I have a home and husband, very blessed but very stressed 🙁
I want to run away to Florida.
Mother of 3, mommy in burnout.
I tell them I am exhausted.
My health is being affected because I can’t get enough rest.
Everyone just asks me to do more and be more.
Telling me constantly that I must be a bad person and a bad mother for being overwhelmed and not being able to keep up.
Between the kid’s needs, my parents/siblings always needing to be rescued, the hardest-to-please-boss, and me always being on call for work, I cringe every time my phone rings.
If my employer wasn’t paying my phone payment, I would throw my entire phone out the window.
It is always someone asking for something else that I am too tired to give.
Meanwhile, my partner says he can’t be intimate or have fun with me now because he is a dad.
He just calls me ‘momma’ now. If I complain, he says my mommy duty is 90+% of my identity and I am not allowed to complain about it.
I’m quite sure he has forgotten my name or even who I am since baby came 4 months ago.
Feels like I my best friend died.
This is so sad. These feelings you have are completely natural, the feelings your partner has towards you isn’t. In my opinion raising children is about supporting each other and taking on equal loads, it isn’t about your gender or your identity, it’s about two people creating new and important lives together and doing it as a family.
I hope that by now your best friend has discovered how much you mean to him and how much he once loved you and hopefully still does. Don’t let today get you down, tomorrow is a new day.
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