One of the great things about losing my mind is that I have more time to volunteer in my daughter’s classroom.
When I was working, I felt tremendously guilty for not being “involved enough” in my kids’ daycare and school. (I’m putting that in quotes because “involved enough” is extremely subjective and can be a hot-button issue. Who gets to decide what “involved enough” means?)
Ruby healing a goat on fieldtrip to Ardenwood Farm
After years of feeling like the slacker mom, I can report with great pride that I chaperoned three out of four field trips this winter, participated in some way in every school fundraiser, and never missed a meeting at Jake’s preschool, which take place during what used to be my afternoon commute.
One morning recently I spent a pleasant hour in Ruby’s class taping name cards to desks and then working one-on-one with Ruby and her buddies as they tried to sound their way through words like “right” and “school” and “vacation.” (When you have an emerging reader in the household you realize how little sense the English language makes.)
When it was time for me to leave, Ruby ran up to her teacher and said, “Mrs. Thomas, can my mom stay for snack?”
“Sure…but I don’t know if she has time. She might have to get to work.” Very diplomatic, that Mrs. Thomas.
“Oh, she doesn’t have to go to work,” Ruby beamed mischievously. “My mommy doesn’t have a job!”
Technically this was true. I didn’t, and don’t, have a job. Although I’m doing a lot of writing these days, I have no paycheck, no office where people monitor my comings and goings, no coworkers to gossip with or about. This is a choice I made, or was sort of forced into, depending on how you look at it.
However, as soon as Ruby made that declaration, I felt a horrible wave of embarrassment. Like she had just told everyone her mom was a bum who sits on the couch all day watching Oprah and eating chocolate caramels. (The best ones, by the way, are sold at that little chocolate shop on Solano Ave. in Albany. Delicious!)
“All mommies have a job,” said the ever respectful Mrs. Thomas.
I smiled at her bravely, and then agreed to accompany the class outside to snack.
I have spent most of my adult life working for other people and far, far too much of my self-esteem has been wrapped up in what I do for a living. At work, I got a lot of “atta-girls” when I gave a great presentation or helped win a new project or resolved a particularly gnarly personnel problem. Since I’ve stopped, my self-esteem has been on a roller coaster ride.
I’m also doing the lion’s share of the household chores and much of the kid care in the evenings, something my husband and I used to split evenly when I worked. I know my husband and kids love me and appreciate me and would never outsource my job, but there’s no public recognition for being the person who does the taxes or folds the laundry or remembers to pick up the dry cleaning. Stay-at-home moms and dads know this. I can’t even say I’m a stay-at-home mom since my youngest child is now in preschool. I’m staying at home; he’s not.
Although I was desperate to get out of the crazy rat race I was in, something smells suspiciously anti-feminist about my role now. And yet, I’m profoundly grateful to have this time to slow down and focus on what’s important. It’s confusing.
This whole experience has given me a newfound respect for the women and men I know who choose to be stay-at-home parents. Basically they’re choosing to accept a full-time–who are we kidding? it’s way more than full time–unpaid caregiving role, one that earns them no paid vacation time, no 401K plan, and nothing to put on the resume five or ten years from now if they decide to look for a paying job.
If you’re a stay-at-home parent, take a moment to give yourself an “atta-girl.” You deserve it.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe “feminism” needs to be redefined to encompass choices–all kinds of choices.
I LOVE Ruby’s picture.
I can do a pretty good job at work and as a mom. But I’m not always a great partner, and I don’t have time to volunteer in the classroom- always thought I’d be way more involved- or to really take care of myself. It’s distressing to think about– what is the meaning of balance when there is too much?? Simply too much. I have no choice about working and parenting (I’m already a mom, and can’t afford not to work). The other stuff suffers.
Feeling sorry for me today, even though I know it’s typical.
As someone who’s seen you both at work and at home, I have to give you a big ole virtual hug and tell you that your choice to stay home to take care of your kids EXEMPLIFIES feminism.
To me, feminism is about working towards freedom to do what one chooses, rather than be bound by traditional gender roles. You worked very hard, for a very long time, to establish your career in a way that supported your motherhood as well. You helped nurture a culture at a [your last company] that is not just parent-friendly, but life choice-supportive.
Your family responsibilities while you were working helped drive a work environment that allows everyone’s life choices to be respected and engaged, whether its someone who needs to work from home one day a week to spend more time with her kids or to allow employees contractors to not be rigidly tied to a 9-5 schedule. Your parenthood contributed mightily to a culture where dozens of people are empowered to make their own choices about how they want to balance life and work.
And that is a *beautifully* infectiousness legacy you’ve left: the more people get to experience life-supportive work environments, the more they will want, demand, and nurture them elsewhere.
So now you’ve decided to give yourself, your husband, and your three kids the same kind of attention and energy that you’ve given to employers all those years. I know there were many factors involved that might make you feel as if you didn’t have a choice, but the net-net is that you *did* exercise your hard-won freedom of choice to set your priorities as you see fit, and you are in the very lucky position of being able to take a break from working to do so.
I say: ROCK ON, SISTER!
Thank you, Nicole. I’m blushing.
I wonder what a “life-supportive work environment” really is. I love that phrase.
Joan Blades is writing a book about this right now. She just announced it on momsrising.org.
Ironically, I think I was lucky to work for a small company that believed in this idea. But I think it’s very hard to compete in a business environment that holds relentless profit-seeking above all, without getting hit with some of the less “life-supportive” work environments that dominate most corporations in America.
Oh, and one thing I should clarify. My “choice” to stay home right now had less to do with taking care of my kids, and far more to do with taking care of myself. I think it’s much easier to tell people you “chose” your kids over a job. The truth of the matter is, my kids were doing OK–I made sure of that–but I was suffering horribly. I just don’t want to send a message to parents who “choose” (it’s often an economic necessary, debatable how much choice is involved) to work full time that they’re doing their kids a disservice. This is an incredibly personal choice, and I think most of us are just doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
“As someone who’s seen you both at work and at home, I have to give you a big ole virtual hug and tell you that your choice to stay home to take care of your kids EXEMPLIFIES feminism.”
Yes Nicole! Thank you!
Thank you also Katrina for making a place in this story for stay at home moms. So often the choice to stay at home is seen as such a luxury. The reality is the sacrifices involved for many of us are HUGE. Often living this value means living on poverty’s razor edge. The work/family balance means something to us too. So again – thank you!
Don’t use your daughter as an excuse for your lazy ass
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