A slightly off-topic post to give you something to think about besides the fate of health care in America…
Recently my daughter’s school hosted a parent education night focused on issues of gender and sexual identity. We talked about the different ways kids are teased, and discussed how we would handle different scenarios.
What would you do if, for example, your child wanted to buy a doll for a boy as a birthday present?
What would you do if you heard that some girls in your child’s class wouldn’t let another girl into the bathroom because they said she dresses like a boy?
The world would be a better place if all schools had meetings like this. And yet, I kept thinking, but I already know the answers. Buy the boy the doll (if that’s what he really wants). Tell your child girls can wear anything they want and still be girls. The better answers, of course, were much more nuanced and involved asking a lot of questions, and engaging your child in problem-solving. Things that I, in my impatience, have a tendency to forget.
Ruby with her brother Jake, the "ballerino"
Frankly, I found myself feeling a little self-conscious. I have a boy and a girl (plus, as an added data point, a stepdaughter), and while I might not be quite as on top of these things as some of the progressive Oakland/Berkeley moms I know, I do try to make sure our kids have equal access to fairy wands and toy trucks, and when Martha puts Jake’s hair in pony tails or Ruby dresses him in a princess dress, everyone (including Jake, for the first five minutes, anyway) thinks it’s cool.
But Jake still gravitates to the trucks, balls, and tools and because we won’t buy him a toy gun of his own, he makes them out of Legos. Or a stick. Or his finger. Whereas Ruby and Martha, until recently, lived in Princess Central and a lot of their imagination play still involves fairies (that is, when they’re not getting Jake to pretend to be their pet cat).
Have we failed in our gender-neutral conditioning? Are they simply hard-wired to choose pink chiffon over electric drills, and vice versa?
As you ponder this age-old question, I will leave you with two short videos to consider:
My daughter playing guitar:
My son playing guitar:
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Love the videos! The differences are fascinating to watch. Mostly I’m amazed at the level of creativity that will go into making objects what they want them to be. Chicken nuggets are cars, crayons are cars, a large piece of lint, you name it. And my daughter employed the same level of creativity when it came to princesses. The work that went into creating ambience was incredible. Still, a phase I don’t miss. It’ the energy and emotion behind the play that wows me. In my son it seems like this pent up energy that forces him to jump off of things, run at all times and crash things together as loudly as possible. There’s a ferocity to it I love to watch.
My son was hard-wired to LOVE trucks, fire engines, red rubber boots, and red helmets!
Love the videos!
Parenting that resists gender normativity doesn’t need to expunge the infinite combination of traits and toys that make up masculinity and femininity. As Kim said, even an androgynous toy box of purple, green and yellow blocks can easily be transformed into a demolition derby or bridal shop by the creative minds of children.
Though our hormonal juices and the anatomy we are born with certainly play a part in whether we develop into meticulous divas or foul mouthed rock stars (did Jake say *dumb ass*?!), I appreciate the concept of making “sure our kids have equal access to fairy wands and toy trucks.” I’ve been to too many baby showers where the poor unborn soul is smothered in blue sports equipment or pink glitter before it even take its first breath.
I was reading through the comments on the last few posts and thinking how lucky I am to be in touch with so many interesting, thinking people. Some of you are pre-blog friends, but some I’ve never met. Thank you, everyone who is jumping into these discussions.
And no, I’m sure Jake didn’t say “dumb ass” (!) But he was definitely making up his own lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle.
What a fabulous parent ed night! I’ve never believed there’s much difference between boys and girls and that society/culture just makes it up. I’m pretty sure my 5 1/2 year old daughter has been much more influenced in gender issues by her peers and teachers (and that Houghton Mifflin curriculum in public school with gender stereotypes harkening from the 1950’s) … and less influenced by her fairly androgynous parents. She holds most gender stereotypes for play and toys, playing with any/everything, while preferring twirly skirts and the company of girls, and she’s highly swayed by what her peers want to do. I was curious about how she holds onto both the so-called “masculine” and “feminine” in play and toys and then read Pink Brain Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps by Lise Eliot and enjoyed that book’s theses – probably because they re-affirmed what I already believe. If you ask our daughter if her parents are men or women she’ll tell you that her two moms are both a bit of each and I swear she made that up on her own (she was a flower girl at our wedding where we both wore long gowns and she still thinks neither of us are exactly female or male)
It was a fabulous parent night.
I hear what you’re saying about boys and girls, Leanne. And of course, every child is different. I wonder if you would feel the same way if you had a boy. For me it was having a boy made me think that we’re hard-wired differently.
I know there are influences on my kids that I’m not aware of, but…the guns! I don’t think either of the girls ever once showed an interest in a gun. This is in the super-progressive Berkeley/Oakland area where NO ONE has toy guns–not at preschool, not at home. And yet, my son and all his little boy buddies are very interested in gun play. (My son also likes to push dolls in the baby stroller, pretend to be a cat, draw, read, and plenty of non-gun things…)
Remember all those women’s studies books we read in college that insisted gender was socially constructed? Well, those writers apparently NEVER HAD KIDS. After having a boy, it quickly became obvious to me that ON AVERAGE boys are different from girls, in all the ways people have mentioned. Only a couple of years of motherhood has made me throw away almost everything I learned about gender identity in college.
I think the key is to listen to your child as an individual and not try to get hung up on social expectations — whether it’s traditional gender roles OR the opposite modern pressure that thinks boys should be as calm, gentle, nurturing and emotionally aware as girls are expected to be.