In the last few months I’ve gotten several emails from women (and men) who found the blog and wrote in with their own stories. I love reading these stories but rarely share them. This one from a woman named Tammy in Tennessee was particularly touching to me. I decided to share it with you (with the author’s permission), because it so eloquently expresses the dilemma many of us find ourselves in when there’s just too much to do.
From Tammy:
I cannot tell you how finding your website has affected me. It’s 10:33 pm and in a flash of despair before heading off to bed I googled “making sense out of life.” From there I stumbled across your website and began to read. I am a 37-year-old working mom with 3 children, 15, 13 and 6. I debated about posting this to the blog and opted to contact you privately. I don’t know why I chose to email you directly but I hope you might find time to read this. For me its as though I was directed to your blog because I, too, am a woman dangerously close to falling off the edge, looking for some kind of direction, hope, help, something.
I have been married to a wonderful man 20 years this fall. He’s my high school sweetheart and my Rock of Gibraltar. I worked before we had children, stayed home for 9 months after our first was born, then came back home after our second was born 2 years later. I stayed at home for almost 10 years during which time I obtained a degree at a local community college and had our third child. When he turned 2 we built a lovely home next door to my in-laws. Unfortunately, I was forced back into the workforce – the house got too far over budget. Amazingly a wonderful job landed in my lap and I have been there for the past 4.5 years.
I say all of that to say this – I feel like I am on the verge of a constant breakdown. The first two years were ok, but the busier our teens get, the worse it’s getting for me. I am never home, yet I am somehow supposed to be the homemaker and oversee the efficient running of the household. My husband has been working 7 days a week for months (for which we are thankful) but that leaves me to shoulder most all of the responsibilities with our children. Not to mention household errands, personal goals (exercise), family relationships, friends, work, church, etc. After reading your blog, I know you completely know what I mean.
About 6 days ago, I called my mother and crying (again) asked her about maybe getting on medication – I’ve been having panic and anxiety attacks as well as crying spells, anger and just feeling out of control. I feel like such a failure and yet we have a GOOD life. It’s like saying, “I can’t cope with normal life.” And why is medication always the primary option doctors offer? Sometimes I think it’s a crutch that helps us get through but doesn’t really address the core issue which is a need for change in our society and its expectations.
The really depressing thing is, I have been compulsively googling solutions to why I feel so overwhelmed and out of control. I came across another blog and it was so sad to me. The owner posted a question for her readers. It said something like “What DON’T you do?” Mother after mother posted how she doesn’t iron, cook, clean the bathrooms or bathe her children. Some talked about not baking cakes for birthdays or spending time with their spouse. They talked about how they had to lower their homemaking standards and expectations JUST TO SURVIVE! Why do we only have to survive? Where’s the happiness and joy in that? Do we only get to find peace after our kids are grown?
I love my role as a mom, wife and homemaker. I have gotten much fulfillment from my job also but my heart is to be home with my family. Maybe because I know the kids will be gone all too soon. I feel trapped and many times, hopeless. I want to quit work and come back home but it’s just not an option now. My kids wish for it, my husband too. I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom. It was fulfilling and I loved having the mental energy I needed to face family life.
This is way longer than I meant to be but its very comforting to reach out to someone who seems to understand my questions…Why do women do this? Why are we killing ourselves trying to be everything to everyone? How do we resolve this?
***
Have a story to share about this modern day mess of working and raising kids? We welcome your war stories, happy stories, opinions, crazy ideas, questions, and brilliant solutions. Leave a comment on the blog, or email me at katrina@workingmomsbreak.com.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I wonder sometimes what would happened if we stopped. I think mother’s are on the frontline of this plague of affluenza (see pbs for more on that!). We’re slaves (our husbands too) because of the societal expectations of materialism. I spent some time living “off the grid” which, I have to tell you, can be mighty cheap. While I wouldn’t want to do that again now with kids, I am looking for ways to scale back – not only because of the economy, but to change our lifestyle – to get some of my power and mojo back…not just for me but for my husband too. We have to make choices about the value of our TIME. SO…we’re looking for a less expensive house. We by all our cloths (except undies) at the thrift store. We are aiming for vacations that are closer to home and make use of the park system. We live near town so I’m going to start walking to work. We’re keeping ice cream :-). I just feel like it’s a balance and that it starts with our society realizing that it’s not realistic to “have it all”, or at the very least, we need to redefine what having it all means. Moms are on the frontlines and we may be the ones that have to show everyone else how this is done (a la Rosie the Riveter).
If I was Tammy in Tennessee, I would sell that lovely home and buy a less expensive house that allowed me to stay home with my family. I think she would be so much happier and less stressed. No lovely home is worth your health and happiness.
Hi Julie. I think you make a good point in general (choosing quality of life over quality of house, choosing time over money, etc.)
Unfortunately just selling the nice house is one of those things that sounds easy in the abstract, but isn’t always so easy to follow through on. Housing values are still way down. Lots of people are under water on their houses, and even if they’re not, selling can take time. And when you’re in crisis just trying to manage the day-to-day, taking on a huge new project like selling can feel insurmountable. Plus, you add in the burden of moving away from in-laws (she says right now they live next door) which could be an added stress.
I wish I knew a quick easy answer for Tammy’s situation, but I don’t.
Hi Julie,
I am the notorious Tammy in TN. I understand your point about selling the home and in another situation I would completely agree, however, our home is built on family land which obligates us to stay there. So, in this instance, selling is not an option but I totally agree that alot of us trap ourselves into a lifestyle that is hard to compromise. Thanks for your input.
I wanted to weigh in again on the issue I brought up with the house. The main reason I was thinking in that direction was because of my own situation. We have become exhausted with the constant bills, maintenance, and high taxes/insurance for our home. Which is a dream home for us. And we send our daughter to private school because the local public schools are not good. At all. But in order to do that we have to pay high tuition rates for private school.
I think I am at the point in my life where I want to just step off the treadmill of all this consumerism and constant working to keep it all up. My husband and I made the decision over the weekend to sell our house and move to my hometown in Mississippi where you can still buy beautiful houses for amazingly cheap. And luckily we live in Texas where the housing market is still very good.
My job is such that I can work from anywhere as long as I have a high-speed internet connection. My husband’s job is crazy though. He typically works 7 days a week. But then he gets off for long-ish stretches of time. But his job will still be along the coasts of Texas and Louisiana.
So we are just going to make this move work somehow. And we will be surrounded by family who can help us and we can help them.
Actually, it sounds to me like Tammy is depressed and perhaps could benefit from medication or therapy. It also sounds like her husband perhaps needs to find a way to work a little less so Tammy isn’t shouldering the entire burden of running the household by herself. And since her kids are teenagers, perhaps they can help out too. Lowering one’s homemaking standards doesn’t seem to me to be so horrible – for so many years women were trapped by mundane tasks that aren’t really all that necessary. (I’m not talking about cooking nutritious meals but ironing?) I’m not saying that life isn’t stressful but Tammy’s letter seems to be an overreaction.
I’m with you on letting go of ironing–my iron and I aren’t actually on speaking terms at the moment. But you lost me on the “overreaction.”
Saying someone who is depressed and having panic attacks is “overreacting” is like saying someone with a broken arm is “overreacting.” It doesn’t make sense. Pain is just pain. It’s not logical. It doesn’t follow orders. You can’t argue with it. You have to listen to it. It’s there for a reason. It’s trying to tell us something.
I can’t speak for Tammy, but having been through something very similar to what she describes, I can say that for me, the message behind the pain was “You’re living the wrong life.” Being chronically overworked, being a slave to my to-do list, was a big part of my depression, and when I was able to change my life, it went away.
{ 1 trackback }