Several of my friends have been talking about a story that appeared earlier this month in New York Magazine called “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting.”
Do parents hate parenting? According to the story, studies show that
- Parents are as happy or less happy than their non-parent counterparts everywhere except Denmark.
- Mothers are less happy than fathers. (Stayed tuned for the results of my “Who Clips the Nails?” survey for more on that topic.)
- Each successive child produces “diminishing returns” in their parents’ happiness level.
- Parents’ dissatisfaction grows worse at higher income levels. (In other words, rich parents are less happy.)
What is going on with us?
The article muses on various theories.
- The “perfect madness” theory. Once children were once considered an economic asset. Now they are “projects to be perfected.” The anxiety we feel to do everything perfectly could be making us unhappy.
- Parents neglect their own needs. Parent spend more time with their children compared to previous generations. This, despite the fact, that we work outside the home more hours than previous generations. Something has to give. In this case, it’s our leisure time.
- We feel the loss of freedom. Because many of us are having children in our 30s and 40s, we have a lot of time to experience our freedom as single adults. Then we have children and free time goes out the window.
- We lack support. In the U.S. in particular, we lack the things that make parenting manageable: maternity leave, sick leave, health care, and other kinds of support. This can make parenting an exercise in fear, isolation, and frustration.
According to the article, there is only one study showing parents are actually happier than non-parents:
One hates to invoke Scandinavia in stories about child-rearing, but it can’t be an accident that the one superbly designed study that said, unambiguously, that having kids makes you happier was done with Danish subjects. The researcher, Hans-Peter Kohler, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says he originally studied this question because he was intrigued by the declining fertility rates in Europe. One of the things he noticed is that countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children—and happier parents.
Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve.
There’s one other theory the article explores, and that is the very definition of happiness itself.
Is happiness something you experience? Or is it something you think?
We can feel happy experiencing the present moment, although for many of us, parenting does not lend itself to this type happiness. Personally, I find it difficult to enjoy the moment when I’m trying to buy groceries with two hungry kids hanging off the cart, or Jake is whining for a cartoon, or Martha wakes up with the stomach flu at 3 am, or Ruby wants to argue about how many bites of dinner she needs to earn her dessert. And I wish I enjoyed playing Sword Man or Candy Land, or reading “Green Eggs and Ham,” (again? really?) but often I do not.
Lucky for us, we get another kind of happiness from remembering the past. Parenting is great for this. The memory of the struggle is often our reward; it strengthens our sense of purpose. Many times Brian and I have paid a babysitter to watch the kids so we can escape for a few precious hours alone, only to find ourselves in a restaurant giggling about the funny things our kids did that day–the same kids we couldn’t wait to get away from an hour earlier.
We love our children. We adore them, in fact. When we’re not multitasking and negotiating and doubting our decisions, we can enjoy them.
Here’s what I want to know. Why can’t we have both kinds of happiness? Why can’t we enjoy more of the moments we spend with our children, and enjoy remembering them afterward, too?
What if you had enough time for yourself, time for your relationship, and time left over to be the parent you want to be for your kids? What if, like those Danish parents, you didn’t have to worry about paying for health care or your kids’ education? How would this affect your experience of parenting?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
60 minutes did a story that relates about Denmark having the “happiest people on earth.”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/14/60minutes/main3833797.shtml
I think the jist of it was that Denmark had more “down to earth” expectations for what life should be and therefore were less disappointed with life (happy). That could relate to why they perceive parenting as more enjoyable too. Perhaps growing up with Television and other media creating a false expectation of what parenting is contributes to why we feel like we’re not successful as parents.
I struggle with this myself, and I think it can be my internal perceptions and desire to control things that makes the “here and now” realities of parenting less pleasurable than the “memories” of parenting. Technology has increased our expectation that we can control our environment, and raising children requires a lot of room for the unpredictable.
I completely agree that having better health care and education would make parenting less stressful, but many Americans will believe European models are too socialized. Sadly, I think it is making families of more than one or two children a luxury– (another whole topic)!
I have to agree that a lot of this disatisfaction–personally–comes when my expectations are to high. And especially when my expectations of myself are too high. I can’t blame the media for me feeling like I constantly have to have my home perfect and meals home cooked when I am the one that buys into it.
I also think that we forget how mammalian we really our. (Most) Humans are social animals. Parenting is the most isolating job I’ve ever had. I remember my grandparents taking a very active role in my childhood, but for many reasons that is not the case for my family or my friends’ families now. So my partner and I have our “extended family” of non-blood relations. Without these people we’d be lost! We watch eachothers kids, eat eachothers meals, share frustrations. And not all these friends have children. Aunties and Uncles play a crucial role in my kids lives, and this is healthy and good for them. For all of us really.
I think it boils down to unrealistic expectations that the nuclear family can do it all alone which is setting us up for failure, or more accurately the illusion of failure.
So take an hour with people you love. Sit. Watch the laundry remain dirty (in my twelve years of parenting I’ve only once seen it actually get DIRTIER–that’s another story). Watch your kids play with mud (if I could come up with a way to wash the children WITH the laundry I’d be s millionaire–after all they get dirty together, why not clean together too?).
I don’t mean to preach this. I had to make myself take a “nothing” break with my kids yesterday. I expect too much from me most days. But if we can all keep reminding eachother that we are doing good enough….better in fact, that can go a long way.
@David So glad you brought up the 60 Minutes story. I saw it years ago and forgot about it. This is a very Buddhist idea–just being where you are instead of expecting life to be different. And yet, I see so many ways that it could be different if only we all had a little more time, a little less financial worry, etc…
@Holly If you figure out how to wash the dirty kids WITH the dirty clothes, I will invest in your business!
Today was “Pajama Day” at preschool and Jake went to school in his pjs. It was a lovely little time saver.
Two comments. First of all, I know from first hand experience that parenting really is easier in the Nordic countries, the burn-out that so many parents here experience is much less common there. This is not to say that everything is perfect there, but things like 9-13 months of parental leave (shared between the two parents), free health care and education, affordable childcare, and for most people, more support from grandparents and extended family, really do make a difference. It never ceases to puzzle me that here in the US the people who talk the loudest about family values are also the ones that tend to be against measures that would significantly help families with (young) children – but that is a whole other issue…
The second comment is that I am not sure that we are interpreting these so called happiness studies correctly. I haven’t chased down any of the original studies and their questions and analysis methods so I can not fully comment on it but in general it is really important to compare apples to apples, not apples to oranges. When we compare people who have children to people who do not have children we have to split the childless group into two depending on whether they are childless by choice or not. Those who are childless by choice presumably have different values and make different choices in life, than those who have families, so even if they get higher scores on a happiness scale we can not conclude that it is the fact that they do not have children that makes them happier. Perhaps they chose to be childless because their career or freedom to travel is more important to them than anything else and succeeding there makes them fulfilled and thus happy? Imagine a parallel universe where those of us who have children were all of a sudden childless – would we become as happy as the childless people? Or would we be unfulfilled and yearning to have a family? Or rather, are those who are childless despite wanting children more or less happy than those who are childless by choice? It is also important to break down the results by age. Perhaps it is true that at age 35-45 people who have children have higher stress levels and thus lower happiness scores, but what about, say, at age 50-70? Do those who have children and perhaps grandchildren report higher or lower satisfaction with their lives than those who are childless?
Great questions. If you look at the NY Mag article, at the end they talk about regrets. Some of the non-parents report having regrets later in life about choosing to NOT have children, while none of the parents regret every having their children.
This goes back to the idea of different kinds of happiness. Happiness in the moment is not the same as the happiness that comes from a sense of purpose, or the happiness we experience looking back at our choices.
Life would be so much better if I didn’t have to worry about healthcare (and thank god we are all healthy!). If my husband could provide for us by working only 40 hours a week instead of the 70-80 he does (I only work part-time, and at a job where my kids come with me- not quite a “career”….). If we weren’t drowning in debt. If the possibility of owning our own home was even feasible…. My children are great, I love to be with them and love to do things with them, I just wish there wasn’t so much pressure, so much anxiety about success and progress and, well, it seems from my point of view, money. I have the nagging feeling at the back of my head that no matter how many cupcakes I bake to bring to class to share, no matter how many playdates I arrange, no matter how many special trips to the library, pool, park, zoo I plan, no matter how hard I try, my children will soon realize that I am a failure as a grown-up (no “real” job, no house, no financial security) and be disappointed.
I would be a better parent I think if I could just let go of all that junk.
Statistics schmistics, I’m not buying it. I recently read this article http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704289504575313201221533826.html
This basically goes over the same material, but comes to the conclusion that the statistics aren’t saying that much in terms of who’s really happier and parenting isn’t as bad as everyone is making it out to be. I can’t say I totally agree with everything he comes off saying either, like his claim that as parents have little influence on how our kids turn out, but he does provide a nice alternative view to the grim picture painted in “All Joy. . .”
Thanks for the link, Logan. I just skimmed it. Had the same reaction that you did about parents not having much influence. From what I’ve read, parents can’t change kids’ personalities (nor should we try!) but boy can we mess things up for them if we don’t give them the basics (ie emotional stability).
Hi Katrina – great post! I’ve been thinking a lot about your last bullet: “Parents’ dissatisfaction grows worse at higher income levels. (In other words, rich parents are less happy.)”. I think one of the challenges with where all adults in the household are working is that we are working so hard to keep our heads above water, we don’t have the time to be available to others (neighbors, friends, community), and therefore we stop asking them for help (b/c we don’t have time/energy to reciprocate). That’s sad & isolating. I’ve been reading a book you recommended on a prior post – “Radical Homemakers” (by Shannon Hayes) – which also talks about the fact that we don’t get happier as we get richer – instead we become more isolated as we depend less on our community. I don’t know what the answer is, but i know this weekend we left our 1.5 year old and 3.5 year old w/ a daycare friend/family and headed out for a 24 hour getaway and it was LIBERATING – both to get away, to ask a friend for help (and for them to be thrilled that we asked), and for our kids to bond w/ other adults. Maybe the answer’s around creating community & connecting…
On a personal level, what was most interesting to me was the finding that having more children produces more unhappiness, since my partner and I are in the throes of deciding whether to have a second child. And I think the issue of how to define happiness — is it pleasure? is it the absence of regret? is it something else?– is important to think about in light of study after study showing that parents are less “happy” than the childless. This issue certainly got me thinking.
However, for me the take home of this roundup of studies on parenthood and happiness is a point that Katrina makes in her writing: the problem of combining work and family is largely a structural one, with a structural solution. Sure, we should try to live-in-the-moment more, set reasonable expectations for our daily lives, reach out to break the isolation of parenthood. But study after study shows that in countries that take our most basic parenting needs (and other needs) off the table, people have a better quality of life. This should set our policy goals.
On another note entirely, one thing that popped into my head while reading the article was that many of the babies born in this country (maybe the majority? I don’t have the data on this at hand) were born as the result of an unplanned pregnancy. It would be interesting to see if countries that have more comprehensive sex education and less stigma around abortion (and lower birth rates, most likely) have higher rates of parental happiness because babies are more likely to be planned.
@WorkingMomofTwo – I love that you asked for help and took the time away.
The take-home messages I got from the NYM article were:
– stop accumulating stuff NOW, and
– create happy memories every day, rather than waiting for the payoff of nostalgic fantasy later
Despite the obvious subjectivity of any happiness study, I do appreciate that these studies are raising questions around our “I need more” mentality. Whether it is in the area of parenting (Hayes) or personal finance (folks like Bob Sullivan), it seems that there is a movement toward simplifying your life in service of your day-to-day peace of mind.
I think this is something most of us can sign on for when it comes to cleaning out the closet. However, when it comes to a big decision like selling your house because you really can’t afford it or not having a first, second or third child, there are actually few of us who are willing to give up our big dreams. We have convinced ourselves these things will make us happy and have tied the labels of “home-owner” or “parent” with our identity. To compound the issue, if we chose not to pursue these standards of success, we face both internal and external judgment that we are “failures as a grown-up” (see pandasmom comment above).
I am working on living the truly radical notion that less is more.
@Kat: That’s awesome. And certainly kids teach us again and again that less is more — hence all those anecdotes about kids getting an expensive gift and spending all afternoon playing in the box it came in.
I’d enjoy parenting more if my child had fewer tantrums. Why aren’t we holding the 6 year olds more accountable????
kidding.
Hi Katrina,
It’s great to catch up with you and read your blog. I have been thinking about this since I began reading it (from the beginning). I have 2 kids, ages 1 and 4 and while I find it challenging at times, I really don’t feel overwhelmed and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Reading your latest post has given me some ideas. #1-I’m a teacher and while it can bee tough and draining, I never get a dinner time call from my boss or a weekend e-mail demanding that I work. While I do take work home, I decide when and how much. Points #2 and #3 relate to the Denmark article. My commute is a 15 minute walk. I love it-I get outside, get some exercise an fresh air. I arrive at work relaxed (and I get some of my best ideas then), not stressed out from battling traffic. I don’t know about commute times in Denmark, but I know from personal experience, that in Holland, for example, the majority of the population commutes on bike. That’s got to be healthier and more pleasant than driving. Most Americans need to drive to work though. Finally, the vacations. Yes, teachers have it easy in the summer. Even though I had 2 back to back trainings this summer, the rest of my time is free. I can sleep, hang out with my kids, do projects. I don’t know why vacation is a dirty word in America. I think productivity would increase if people had more time to recharge their batteries. Anyway, these are my thoughts. I look forward to more posts from you. -Cynthia Kemp
Thanks for sharing that, Cynthia. It’s amazing how the little things (walking to work, summer downtime) make a big difference.
I’ve been thinking about this recently and have enjoyed your blog. I think much of what leaves us frazzled as parents (and especially as working parents) is the disconnect between expectations/entitlement and reality. I think rare has been the time or place in human history that the years of parenting small children wasn’t hard. I recently posted to Facebook that I am “starting to make peace with the realization that I can do no more than one thing apart from job and keeping us fed and clothed — exercise OR read books OR knit OR etc. Doing two never seems to work”. After I posted it I thought that actually, being able to do anything besides my part-time job and keep the family functioning was exceedingly lucky. I lived in a West African village as a Peace Corps volunteer for two years. I think it’s safe to assume that my current life — a husband who respects me and treats me well, two healthy children I can send through high school and beyond, enough to eat, and watertight housing with a sanitary place to poop — would be far more than enough for most mothers there, whether or not they had time for leisure activities on top of it. Their advantage is that socializing wasn’t a leisure activity — it was done while walking out to the cornfield for the day, sifting beans for rocks, selling from their stall in the market, etc.
When I posted to FB, I was trying to move past the sense of being entitled to all of it at once. Now I’m trying to take several steps further back, and put my life and desires not just in the context of people around me, but the human experience overall. The saying that “happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you’ve got” applies not only to material things but also to the structure of our lives. On a societal level, the US is very family-hostile and there are doubtless many things we can and should do to make parenting easier. But on an individual level, we’re here today and we have to do what we can to make our lives tolerable. And I think fighting the fundamental human urge to want just a little more than we’ve got (be it a bigger house or a husband who takes more responsibility), and instead to recognize the bounty of what we have is a huge step in that direction.
That was so long maybe I need to start my own blog — but then of course I wouldn’t have time to exercise or read books!
Aaah, irony upon irony.
First I’ll say that my husband clips the nails. He is fantastic.
Second, I went to Denmark this year with my children (as a huge leap back toward our former/current/dying passion of international travel) and came to the conclusion that the Danes really and truly have the support systems in place to make parenting a pleasure and that “America hates children” so maybe it’s not that parents hate parenting as much as that.