This is a continuation of yesterday’s post. If you haven’t read it yet, start here.
And now I give you four more amazing, successful, competent women, inside and out.*
‘O’—Stay-at-home mom “by choice”
Outside: O. is the mother many of us hoped we would be. She takes great pleasure making beautiful things for others to enjoy. Inventive desserts that would make Martha Stewart drool. Delicate, handmade earrings of origami cranes. She organizes elaborate art projects and tea parties for her daughter and friends. She is generous with her time, volunteering in her older daughter’s school, even though she has her 1-year-old with her all the time. She’s one of the younger mothers I know, but wise beyond her years. She has clear priorities, and seems very sure about her decision to stay home with her kids.
Inside:
I never know what to say when people ask me “are you a stay at home mom?” To me, that implies that one parent works (and is able to support the entire family) and one parent agreed to not work and happily does all the home stuff…Which I guess is me, but I don’t remember “agreeing” to this arrangement at any time.
No, I do not have a 9-5 day job, nor did I leave one to become a mom. I do work some though. I have a small business I am trying to start and I teach a couple of classes a week, on top of all the housework, all the pick/up drop offs, all the shopping, all the bill paying, all the everything.
My husband operates like a separate entity, coming and going when he wants, working 60-90 hours a week at several jobs, hardly having a meal with us, doing none of the hands-on parenting. We just squeak by every month. We have good food on the table, our children are clean and clothed, but we are broke. Not just broke, but $30,000 plus in debt. Screw family vacations or a new flat screen TV ’cause it ain’t happening anytime soon over here. Home ownership? Not for us. We are so broke that we qualify for free lunch at my daughter’s school and both girls are signed up for Medi-Cal for when my husband’s benefits lapse. (He is on an hour bank plan and only gets benefits if he works enough).
Most of the time I am crushed with the weight of the financial debt. I feel helpless and angry that I can’t make more money myself to pay it down. I feel stupid and childish that I am 33 and have no savings, no investments, no 401K, nothing. I have ideas, goals, dreams that seem so unrealistic in my day-to-day life that it feels like they will never happen.
I know it is temporary situation. I know my children will grow up fast, faster than I want them to. I know that I will have time to sort it out later, but that doesn’t help the wanting to go away or the situation to seem any less debilitating.
‘K’ Gregarious former model mama
Outside: You can’t miss her—strikingly tall and blond, with that infectious laugh. She seems to have about 1,000 close friends. She had the easiest pregnancy of any woman I know, and has been the most successful at integrating her pre-child and post-child lives. She obviously loves her daughter, and seems to be immune to the mother-anxiety so many of us feel, taking business trips as needed and often going out with friends in the evening.
Inside:
What people might not see about me:
Being a mother is one of the greatest and one of the most frightening things I have ever done with my life.
I never got a college degree. I’ve had to work really hard to get where I am. And I don’t want to stop.
I’m constantly worrying about money. I never learned how to be really good at saving and it pains me I’m still learning in my 40’s.
I am never going to be thin enough (I’m sure I’m the only one who feels this way too…Ha!)
I am judgmental and often not very forgiving. I hold grudges well.
I love my husband and we’ve worked through a lot, but I worry that at some point it may end.
I am truly grateful for everything in my life and am constantly reminding myself on a daily basis that I could lose it all at any moment. Because of this, I hold a weird level of optimism and anxiety, which works a bit like oil and vinegar.
‘S’—Clear priorities around work and home
Outside: S. has made the perfect compromise between keeping a career she cares about, without letting it swamp her life. She has a 3-day-a-week schedule, spending the off days with her daughter. Happy marriage. Cool non-profit job in her chosen field. Gorgeous apartment in coveted Berkeley neighborhood. It’s what we all want, isn’t it?
Inside:
Being a mother isn’t satisfying the way I expected it to be. I tried so hard to become a mama, and sometimes I think that I lost sight of why I wanted to have a child, what my motivations and expectations were. My daughter is amazing—healthy, happy, energetic. It’s just that spending time with her is often not as gratifying and enjoyable as I once believed it would be.
Sometimes I feel guilty about not wanting to have another child—like people think I’m cheating my daughter, or I’m not truly part of the two kids’ “Mommy Club.” I do feel determined not to be pressured into having another child and to go with what my heart is telling me. Enjoy what you have now.
I’m content with the kind of work that I do, but the daily grind of parenting and working outside of the home often overwhelms and bores me at the same time.
Career advancement is on hold since I only work part time. I thought I would be fine with this but I feel torn between spending enough time with my daughter and putting enough energy into work to satisfy my employers and my patients. There are times when I really do come home feeling fulfilled after a good day at the clinic and have energy to play with my daughter and appreciate her accomplishments. However, there are times when I wonder how I can keep working at my job without losing my mind and how I can keep myself together to be a good mother to my daughter and not damage her with my unhappiness. Why can’t I feel content doing an adequate job at both?
‘M’—Social butterfly pregnant with #2
Outside: Despite the fact that she works full time, ‘M’ has a rockin’ life outside of work. She always seems to be attending interesting parties or throwing events like her annual chili making contest or working on her next novel. Having a toddler hasn’t seemed to slow her down one bit, and there’s no reason to think baby #2 will, either. Firm handshake, easy smile, direct eye contact—her confidence is to be admired.
Inside:
We had just decided to hold off on having baby number two, when I found out I was already pregnant. I have never been more depressed. I’m not sleeping at night, worrying about work details. I’m terrified of giving birth again. Haven’t made it to a prenatal yoga class once. (Have not done one Kegel!) When people ask how the pregnancy is going, I want to say, “It’s just another thing I can’t possibly do, but I’m doing it.”
* I’m using only initials, not full names.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for writing this series of posts.
It is as if you have just ripped that unhealthy motherhood mask right off! I am a life coach for moms who is priviledged enough to hear these stories from my clients first hand. But for some of them, it is the first time they have ever spoken the truth about what they are feeling in the inside. So many of us go around with this plastic smile, thinking we have to hold it all together-that somehow if we admit that we aren’t enjoying being a mom, are about to fall apart or are overwhelmed with guilt…that we have in some way failed as a mother and woman. I wish we felt more comfortable talking about our fears and insecurities with each other. If we were more honest and open, we may feel a little less alone and a lot more supported. Thank you for this powerful post!
Heather
I feel so much better. I am a choice mom. I cannot remember the last time I saw a 40 hour week (40 hours is a vacation to me) or more than 7 hours of sleep. I have a long-ish commute across a bridge. I elected to put my son in daycare near work so that if the “big one” hits I don’t have to worry about him being far away. The commute this morning was terrible, no idea why, it just was. I wanted quit, I wanted to cry. I felt like I was robbing my son of his childhood making him ride in the car everyday. I feel so much better after reading your post. I am normal! I may feel like a failure from time to time, but so does everyone else. That is oddly reassuring.
Weird. I seem to only remember the “outside” stories. I really have it bad.
Love the posts and its so true how we assume everyone else has it together because they seem so together on the outside. But am I the only one who doesn’t find as much comfort in knowing other moms feel the same? I want to see real change in our culture. I’m frustrated talking to my friends about how miserable we all are. Its so discouraging – feeling like you’re trapped by ideals and expectations that put so much pressure on women that no matter which way they go the are failing someone or neglecting themselves.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
sniffle, sniffle
great post! really great reminder that parenting shouldn’t be a competitive sport. comparing just never really ends up making me feel better.
katrina – thanks for this post. it’s somehow really comforting to know that we’re all dealing with similar themes here.
Thank goodness my life has settled down, I raised the child with serious medical issues, dealt with most and taught her to be her own advocate. She has a wonderful job, lives independently and is working towards a second degree. Son will graduate May 2011, engineering and he’s okay.
Still I worry, about the job market, savings, 401k, health issues, and surviving being the sandwich generation. To all of those suffering from the fear and concern, right now and for the future, hang in there. The stress is tough but you will find a way to deal with it. You will survive and so will your partners and your children. It’s easier now for me, but I still have days of concern and worry. I now have the time and energy to deal with those days productively, because I have learned how to do it.
Thank you for writing this — perversely made me feel better. Balance is like compromise — intrinsically, it means that you never get 100% of what you want. It is too bad that we can’t bring ourselves (myself included) to accept that.
–R
wow! great 2 part post! It is really amazing how much self-judgment is going on inside. I don’t work a paid job at this point and though it is the best thing for me and my family, I feel guilty I don’t contribute financially. Luckily I have the greatest partner who always says to me that I what I do for our family is invaluable!
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