Vampires, donuts, and free-range families

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by Katrina on October 5, 2010

I just got back from my sister’s wedding: a small, lovely ceremony on the beach in La Push, Washington, home of the Twilight vampires.

Luckily, (as you can see from this picture), the vampire threat levels were low. If something had gone wrong, half the wedding guests, who were trained firefighter-medics, would have known what to do.

But nothing went wrong. The weather was unseasonably sunny, the kids spent days playing tag and climbing giant pieces of driftwood, and my sister and her groom were surrounded by people who love them.

The day after the wedding, we celebrated with homemade, gluten-free, chocolate-filled donuts fried in bacon fat. (Yes, you read that right. They were fried in bacon fat. I ate two for breakfast on our last day and wasn’t hungry again until dinner.)

While I was gone, a blog reader sent me a link to this story. It’s about how she was losing her mind as a working mom, and then decided to quit her job and start her own business. It’s funny and sad and I hope you’ll read it because it has a very happy ending.

The story got me thinking…the happiest working parents I know are the ones who work for themselves. I include Brian and myself among them.

Of course, being self-employed is not perfect. It takes a while to get used to the unstable paychecks. Sometimes we work too hard. We still have bad days, or even bad months. But for many of us, self-employment is the best way to have both a challenging career and a real life outside of work.

You might think of us as free-range families.

People are simply not meant to be cooped up in offices all day, smashed into little cubicles under fluorescent lights, and force-fed cafeteria food. It makes us sick. It makes us crazy.

We need to be able to cut out at 3 pm to see our kid’s school play, or help once a week with the after school co-op, or get home in time to make a real dinner once in a while, or take a week off to go to our sister’s wedding and eat donuts (preferably fried in bacon fat).

I’m interested in hearing from other people who are self-employed. Would you consider yourself a free-range family? Do you know any free-range families? Has self-employment made your life better or worse?

Editorial note: After I wrote this post, I did a Google search for “free-range families” and found a lot of links to Lenore Skenazy’s “free-range kids,” which is based on the idea of raising children who can be self-reliant. While I think she has some interesting ideas, I am talking about something very different.

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

WorkingMomofTwo

Hi Katrina,

I would love, love, love to hear other readers’ responses of what it’s like to be self employed, and HOW they made the transition. A 1,2,3 guide – i have to imagine it takes a lot of gutts to become self employed, after working for ‘the man,’ and i’d love to hear how people have made the transition (was it scary? was it worth it?). As someone who is commuting/working for a company, and who’s just gone from working 80% to part time (50%), i really, really, really GET the value of flexibily…just don’t have the nerve to make that next leap to self employment. Thanks for your great blog. I devour every one (just like a bacon grease fried donut).

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Rachael

From the decision to leave the company I was working for at the time to my actual last day with the company, it took me eight months to transition to self-employment. I used that time to examine our financial situation and do lots of informational interviews both with other freelancers and with potential clients. Yes, it was scary, but what made it so much less scary is that I was already set up with my first two clients by the time I quit my job. And yes, it was worth it. When I was working for “the man,” I spent a lot of time questioning what I should be doing with my life. All those questions dissolved once I started working for myself.

I should say, too: I was self-employed BEFORE I became a mother. Don’t know what the difference might be for those who are already parents.

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Nadav Savio

Having experienced both, this makes so very much sense to me. When my wife and I were both self-employed, it seemed so natural that when something came up (sick kid, co-op duties, whatever) we could just rearrange our workday and make it happen. Now that I work in an office, things are different. I’m very fortunate that my company/boss/peers don’t blink if I need to stay home randomly when one of the boys has a fever, but it’s still a strain. And, of course, most of that falls on my wife who is the one with the more flexible schedule.

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meagan

I decided to work for myself this year after realizing that I want to spend my daughter’s early years with her as much as possible, and that it just isn’t possible at a traditional firm (I am an attorney). My husband is a freelance artist, so it was definitely a financial risk. We both work part time and take care of our daughter when we’re not working. The first few months were difficult financially, but we lived like starving students, which was easy to do because we had recently finished school and weren’t accustomed to having a lot. We also have the huge luxury of having tons of supportive family around who helped (and still help) with childcare. We made the choice to leave New York City, which we loved, so that we could be closer to family. I don’t know if we could have made this work without them. We have some hard days. Sometimes going to “Music Time” in the morning and then doing legal work all afternoon makes me feel like my head is going to split in half. Sometimes I find it hard to focus on my daughter and not think about all my work. Sometimes I have to shield the speaker on my phone so clients don’t hear a crying baby. Mostly, though, I really enjoy my life and feel very lucky that I’m able to do this.

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Jen

It’s funny because my dad was self-employed growing up and as a kid I kind of hated it. I hated the unstable paychecks and how there always seemed to be this constant stress of whether there was enough money. I hated how he couldn’t ever be “off the clock” and some weekends he’d spend the whole time in his office or some nights I’d hear him typing until midnight. I hated how he had to travel a lot. A recession hit when I was in college and his work dried up and I had to take out a LOT more loans which I’m still paying for.

It wasn’t until I graduated and started working in an office I started to appreciate the stability. The constant steady paycheck with the exact same amount every other week. The stable 401k I could easily contribute to. The exact start and exact stop time of the day. Now that I have a child I value the health coverage. For me the blessing has been finding a somewhat family friendly workplace. I go in at 8:30 and leave at 4:30 with no overtime. I can work from home if kiddo is sick–I have a laptop and a blackberry to make that easier. I never have to travel. I think it’s a trade off. I don’t really relish the florescent lights and the cube but I like knowing exactly how much I can get each month. There are positives and negatives to both. I guess it’s just a matter of weighing which ones work best for your family.

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Katrina

Thanks for adding a different perspective, Jen. You perfectly described the potential downside of self-employment.

I think WHAT you do probably makes a big difference. With web consulting, there’s a ton of work, even in this recession, so being self-employed hasn’t been risky for us. The only downside is that sometimes its very, very hard to control the hours, and you do end up working nights and weekends.

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Leanne

i’ve been running my own small consulting company for 13 years. when my daughter was born (my wife bore her) i felt like i’d like a more stable income job. our daughter is 6 now and the flexibility of my hours helps with dropoff/pickup/daysoff/foldinglaundry while my wife’s job with a large company provides the necessary insurance and other benefits (though she gets federally taxed on my health insurance since the fed gov’t considers us to be legal strangers who happen to share parenting rights to a kid -grrrr). it’s a decent, though not excellent, balance for us. we couldn’t get nearly the insurance we have if we were both selfemployed — and also couldn’t get the fsa and retirement and other benefits that a big company job provides. even after 13yrs of owning my company, i’m not convinced that selfemployment is necessarily a great option, though i’m not planning to change it anytime soon.

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Angie

I am a mom of a 3 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old and have been looking for that “balance” for the past 3 1/2 years. When my oldest son was 1, I took a long term consulting gig. I am in marketing and client service and with a husband who gets benefits from his job, it allowed me to work a more reasonable work week and make a higher salary. I was not bound to PTO balances or other restrictions, but when I stayed home with a sick kid I didn’t get paid, so there was a trade off. My consulting gig has since ended and I am now working full time for the same company, though I am looking for another consulting position. My master plan – work a year, take 6 months off or start taking summers off, something like that. We are a two income family by necessity so not working is not an option, plus I’d like to keep my career moving (even at a snail’s pace). I think if I stick with it, I should be able to earn enough as a consultant to allow for extended periods of time off so I can spend my days at the playground with my two wild boys.

Love this blog, provides inspiration daily! Thanks.

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Katrina

Really appreciate all the comments about working for yourself vs. working for The Man. This is a topic I want to explore more on the blog.

A lot of readers have told me this whole slaving away at a job and trying to raise kids sucks, but WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT? Well, besides starting a revolution in the U.S., working for yourself is one thing you can do, but it has it’s downside and it’s not for everyone.

@Meagan 2 parents working part time is my ideal.
@Leanne Grrr is right.
@Angie I love your master plan.

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Heather

Katrina,

Love this post. I feel like I have a great situation but I still need more family time. Just alittle. My husband and I work opposite shifts. He’s got alot of flexibility (union job/20 years/plenty of sick & vacation time) so that really helps. I’m tethered to my chair 8-5 at an office in L.A. that is a 20 min drive from my house. I really have it pretty good until I think about when my son is in Kindergarten. I want to work but not until 5PM everyday. It’s such an arbitrary hour. I’ve been brainstorming business ideas so that I can make a switch one day but that dependable paycheck does bring a level of comfort.

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Anne

My husband and I are both self-employed. He quit his office gig seven years ago– a financial risk, but he was grossly underpaid and overworked at the office, so really, they were asking for it :). His business grew and grew until it became clear that I was working to pay for health insurance, taxes, and day care. My job was boring and the commute was long. Then my company started cutting our benefits to the point that getting private health insurance made sense. So I quit. My employer hired me back as a contractor to work from home part time. We are both very lucky to be in this situation.

That said, I worry about not contributing to a retirement fund or saving for the kids’ colleges. But my mom didn’t have a college fund for us and we survived. And my mom slaved away long hours at the office from the time I was in first grade onward, and I really missed having her around. The people I know who work full time in an office still worry about money, and worry a lot about losing their jobs in this economy. So there is no “safe” path. You just have to decide what level of risk and ambiguity you can tolerate.

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Rachael

Thanks for this post, because I often dwell on the downside of being a WAHM: working nights, working weekends, working in our home that feels like it is in shambles, and so on. Also, I really wish that working at home meant that I could work less. Instead, I’m using the flexibility afforded me as a freelancer to slowly transition to doing work that matters to me more. Meanwhile, I have Mondays and Thursdays with the Critter: I don’t think I’d be willing to give that up, even if it meant less work at night.

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Tiffany

hi Katrina,

fellow Peralta parent here! i just happened upon your blog–it’s wonderful! thank you.

i recently made the move to self-employment–left my day job editing travel guides to start an editing business, Two Birds Editing. my main reasons were: 1) more time for my own writing; 2) more time with my son; and 3) more money (eventually, hopefully).

two months in, i don’t regret my decision–despite the fact that i have an increased workload (on the days i work), increased stress level (where is the work going to come from, and what if it doesn’t?), and increased responsibilities (i am building a business, which takes time and energy). i’ve actually had less time for my own creative work, but lots more time with my son. (i can actually pick him up from school now, two days a week, and volunteer at his school.)

despite the stress, every once in a while i remember (or remind myself) that i don’t have to go into the office, and i feel very lucky indeed. i just feel a lot more healthy. the desk job was draining me on a spiritual, psychic level–it was truly soul-sucking to be compromising so much of my time and energy to something i didn’t even believe in.

it may be a struggle to carve out time for myself (my writing needs to become my first priority, instead of my last; and yoga/meditation/reading/playing need to be prioritized too). but i think i will be able to figure that part out, with time, because i know how important it all is for my long-term sanity. it’s just not really possible to put yourself first when you’re a mama (much less a single mama). this is maddening, but (for the next ten years, anyway) it’s a simple fact. sometimes this upsets me–it doesn’t feel very feminist–but then i imagine being someone who would put her needs before her kid’s, and i don’t want to be that person. maybe those parents are out there, and maybe their kids are thriving…and maybe we need to see more pictures of what that looks like.

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Katrina

Nice to hear from a Peralta parent! Good luck with the editing business. A single mom who has time to make a living, volunteer at her kid’s school, and still do some creative work on the side–sounds like you made a good decision.

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L. A.

I too suffered a type of breakdown from the pressures of the office and the accompanying politics. After trying a lower stress career (still working for others, tho not in an office) I became a freelancer. I loved it but after our daughter reached age 2 and the economy tanked I put it aside (tho hopefully temporarily). My husband has a great full-time job with a family-friendly company and benefits so he has some flexibility. I am responsible for all the day to day stuff including finances, cleaning, activities for our daughter, etc. But my husband does the cooking and the morning duties with our daughter. We pull off the 1 income mainly because we chose not to buy a house, joined a babysit co-op, don’t take extravagant vacations, our preschool is reasonably priced and we plan to send our daughter to public school. I can’t imagine working full time in an office ever again and though I hope to start freelancing again, my life is very full without it. We have a great life, get time to spend with out kid and friends, travel, and eat well. Reducing the need for 2 incomes is the best way to get out of the trap in my opinion…and my mental health has never been better!

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Katrina

I completely agree about doing what you can to get money pressures down. I’m curious what the “pressures of the office” were for you. This is something I want to explore more, but haven’t dug into yet. Why are so many work environments so toxic? What makes them toxic?

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