Mother Superior

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by Katrina on January 15, 2011

There’s a provocative essay in last week’s Wall Street Journal called “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”

The author, Amy Chua, describes her strict parenting style: no play dates, no school plays, no grades lower than an A, calling her daughter “garbage” when she is very disrespectful or “fatty” to shame her into losing weight.

This, of course, is in stark contrast to the stereotypical Western “permissive” parenting style: play dates, TV (within limits), school plays, no overt attempts at shame. Then she attempts to explain why her way is better.

The author is a Yale Law School professor—a model of the kind of success she’s trying to hammer into her children. I think she made some interesting points about Western parents and guilt—there is such a thing as overly permissive parenting—but overall, I found the essay APPALLING.

Academic success is great, sure, is it more important than raising happy children? Why do we want our kids to be academically successful anyway? So they can show off how much better they are than other people? No, of course not.

Our hope is that academic success will open doors for our children. We want them to have their choice of careers. We want them to be free of financial worries. We want them to feel they are making a valuable contribution to the world. We want them to feel the satisfaction that comes with realizing their own potential. In other words, we want our children to be happy. But beating success into them by denying them play, denying them fun, and shaming them does not sound like the road to happiness.

Luckily, happy kids are more likely to be “successful” in their careers and in their lives as adults. (You can read all about the science behind that statement in Christine Carter’s wonderful book, Raising Happiness.)

If you’re feeling down on your parenting, I recommend you read the WSJ essay. All I could think was, Thank God that woman isn’t my mother.

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For insight on the role of shame and vulnerability in our lives, watch this talk by Brene Brown.

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenny

But the WSJ pieced together the most controversial aspects of the book, which, as I understand it, is not a treatise on parenting but a self-reckoning for Chua. It’s a memoir and is much more about her journey, experiences and having to change. I think it’s also supposed to be somewhat funny.

Whatever it is, it causes pause and thinking.

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Katrina

I’d be curious to know what people think of the book. The WSJ piece may not reflect the tone of the book, but I found it more anger-provoking than thought-provoking. Which was probably a smart marketing strategy, because the story has had THOUSANDS of comments and that woman is going to sell a TON of books.

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Cynthia

I, too, found this article disturbing; especially when she doesn’t let her daughter take a bathroom break while learning a new piano piece. I’m sorry, that’s akin to child abuse. I also think she is not necessarily preparing her daughters for American culture. As an ESL teacher, I have worked with Asian students for more than 10 years. They are polite, hard-working and do great at memorizing. However, writing and defending a thesis statement, preparing an opinion piece, or even problem-solving, without a formula is difficult for them. These are skills that we generally expect our high students to be able to do and often the Asian students cannot. I also found it interesting that she wouldn’t let her daughters play, when we now realize how important that is. Bottom line, I think she’s doing a great job of preparing her girls for Communist China, but not the Unites States.

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Leanne

This strict parenting style is alive and well in conservative fundamentalist protestant families in the U.S. — “dare to discipline” by James Dobson, essentially reads like an SM manual and is (or was) extremely popular. It’s not just an Asian parenting style.

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Hima

Apparently the book is about Amy Chua’s journey in parenting and how she actually ends up retracting on / adjusting her strict parenting style later. The excerpts in thee article are from the beginning. Also I think she was going for a tongue-in-cheek tone.

I didn’t find it funny though. My parents had a similar attitude – although they were not that hard on us – we would have definitely got a bathroom break! It’s never black and white — there was definitely lots of love and happiness mixed in with the discipline, and one always was aware that their ultimate intent was for us to succeed and have a better life. However the stress and anxiety of needing to be perfect and meeting high expectations has stuck with me throughout my life and has been crippling in the long term. If you want to follow that king of parenting style then start a therapy fund for your kids in addition to the Ivy League fund!

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Hima

By the way, labels like “fatty” are used with complete abandon in my family and with most Indian families / friends I know. A lot of the time, it’s said in a lighthearted manner and not intended for “shaming”. Not saying that it is acceptable, just that it’s quite common. My sister heard it all the time and she never learnt to ignore it or not let it annoy her. I used to get comments on being too skinny. It may be shocking if you are not used to it, I guess.

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Katrina

I know what you mean. I lived in Chile for a year when I was 19. At first, I was scandalized by how people called each other “gorda” (fatty) or “flaca” (skinny). Then I realized it didn’t have the same judgment associated with it that it has for Americans.

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Jenny

It’s brilliant PR. I just bought the book.

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Katrina

Ha! She gotcha. Come back and tell us what you think after you read it.

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Logan

See, I just read this article too and I thought it was hilarious. It seemed very tongue in cheek at times. I certainly didn’t agree with her methods, but still, I thought that she articulated some genuinely important points like perhaps when you are telling you child that it’s o.k. if they can’t do something it’s like saying you don’t believe in them. And how is that good for their confidence? I found this often when I used to coach gymnastics that there was a fine line between pushing people and acknowledging real weaknesses.

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Alison A W

As an educator and a mom, I liked David Brooks’ response in a NY Times opinion piece: “http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/opinion/18brooks.html?_r=1&WT.mc_id=OP-SM-E-FB-SM-LIN-ACI-011811-NYT-NA&WT.mc_ev=click

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Lisa

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments on Amy Chua’s article– I too found it appalling.

I especially appreciate your recommendation of the Christine Carter book. I think it’s always valuable not just to critique a given perspective, but to provide a positive alternative.

Chua’s view of human nature is terribly sad– chilling, in fact. From the very outset, her implicit (explicit?) equation of “happiness” with “success” is an all-too-common mistake, regardless of culture– and testimony to how much fear can trump intellect.

Achua’s perspective strikes me as an updated version of footbinding, a torture inflicted by the most loving Chinese mothers because they truly believed they had their daughters’ best interest at heart. (Footbinding was considered essential to a girl’s marriageability, which in turn dictated her life’s circumstances.)

Please understand, my intent in drawing this comparison is not to equate physical abuse with emotional abuse (though both are damaging). Rather, my intent is to put Chua’s argument into cultural context, and by doing so, to avoid the mistake of “individualizing” or vilifying her perspective. (And you too did not vilify her at all, which is rare and which I appreciate tremendously.)

As I said, I too was appalled by the article. At the same time, as a mother, a daughter, a feminist, a human, I will do my best to hold compassion for Chua and all the mothers and children who feel as she does or who have suffered the kind of childhood she endorses.

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