Many of the parents I know spend 99 percent of their time divided between working and taking care of their family. If you really love your job, maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. Work becomes your social outlet, your creative outlet, your intellectual challenge, etc.
But what if you hate what you do?
I received the following letter from a mom in Connecticut—we’ll call her Constance because she asked me not to use her real name—who’s having serious regrets about her choice of career.
From Constance:
…I just Googled, “how can I prevent my nervous breakdown,” and stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for sharing what you went through.
Currently, I’m a teacher. I live in Connecticut, so I make decent money at it. I mean, I live in a small cape and drive a used Prius. I’m not rolling in cash, but I’m able to live fairly well. I certainly don’t make what people with master’s degrees in other fields (such as business or economics) make.
The problem is, I sort of hate it. Teaching, that is. I majored in music (undergrad) and then didn’t know what to do afterward. I feel stupid for this, but I was 17 when I made that choice. After graduation, I was too scared to try and make it in New York City, so I moved home to Connecticut and got certified to teach.
When my job is rewarding, it can be amazing. However, when it is bad, it is worse than I feel I should have to accept.
I teach in an inner-city school where the majority of the children have tough home lives. I have almost no administrative support, and the children can be really mean. There is a point where feeling sorry for myself overrides feeling sorry for them. I feel foolish saying that it hurts me to be called a “whore” and to be told “I hope your baby dies,” while pregnant, when the people who said these things to me are 10 years old or younger. But it does hurt. A lot.
The worst part is that I’m not allowed to hate teaching. When I tell people what I do, the response is usually, “Oh, how nice!”
Teachers are villainized in the media. We make too much money (according to Donald Trump!). We have tons of vacation time! How can we complain?
For the record, I’d rather work every day and like what I do, or at least not hate it so much that I cry and break out in hives.
I want to just give up. The problem is, I can’t. I have a child. My husband works at a daycare center and doesn’t make very much money. Without my income, we’d lose our house. I can’t seem to find another job. I just spent half an hour scouring the internet to try and determine whether or not my medical insurance would cover a stint in a mental institution, because I can’t stand the thought of going back to work…
What do you do when you hate your job, but can’t afford to quit? Have any readers out there made a mid-life career change, after they became parents? How did you go about it?
Or have you thought about switching careers, but decided to reconcile yourself to what you do instead? How do you make peace with the choices you’ve made?
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
“Constance”,
I would first suggest you decide if you dislke teaching, or just teaching at the specific school where you work now. I’ve taught in a couple of different schools, and depending on the adminstrative support, students, parents, and basically the school culture, I’ve both loved it-really and truly looked forward to going to work each day, and hated it-dreaded it, been over-joyed when my contract was not renewed so I could collect unemployment.
I also have a friend who started out teaching, decided she didn’t like it, so went into administrative work, and is now doing educational research.
Good luck,
Stephanie
Stephanie,
You’re quite right–upon some reflection, I do think that part of my issue is the school itself, rather than simply the profession. Due to enrollment, I teach music at two different elementary schools. One of them is awesome and the principal is wonderful to work for–but I only get to be there one day a week. However, that one day at least lets me know that I needn’t necessarily throw in the towel completely.
On the other hand, the idea of doing educational research appeals to me. I’ve often thought that it would be nice to be paid to write a music curriculum! That could be something for me to look into.
Constance
If one hates their job so much that it is having such a negative impact then they should find ways to change it – it may be a small change or a drastic change, but it sounds like change is inevitable.
the people who you are talking to about your teaching experience dont understand what you are going through and are minimizing your experience. teaching in an inner city school that’s lacking resources, and where children are coming in from circumstances that you can’t imagine is not for the faint of heart (the media glorifies this, but the reality is not so!)
if you truly have a heart for the children and feel that you can make a difference, take some time to reflect and see how you can do so.
any how, your education and degree is not a waste; there are many ways to use the knowledge you have gained.
anything done simply for the money and not whether you really like it is not going to make you happy.
maybe life will intervene and you will be released from this job and in to something you like better..who knows?
you’re going through this time for a reason, perhaps to help you decide which path to take next.
I wish you well…I’ve been there and survived. I have a feeling, you will too!
Thanks for your kind words. I definitely feel that I am going through this for a reason, and I’m willing to bet that other opportunities will open to me the minute I’ve made peace with my current situation.
Constance
I agree with previous posters – find out if being a different school would work? Or even moving into administrative work within the overall school district.
I will put in a note of warning about switching careers entirely. The sad truth is that it will put you right back at square 1. I did a career switch and my job level and earning power is nowhere close to what others have who have worked in the same industry their entire adult lives. So that’s a huge factor to think about. If you were to move into corporate training, for example, you’d likely be brought it at the bottom with a likely pay cut to what you’re making now. It’s not a reason to skip a career switch – but it’s something to think about.
Had I stayed in my previous field I’d likely still be miserable but I’d be a miserable director-level employee.
Janet,
In reality, assuming I maintain my sanity, I will probably pursue an administrative degree as you’ve suggested. Maybe in the future when my husband finishes school, we can open our own business. These dreams get me through….
Thanks for your response.
Constance
At times I hate my job. And you know what, I’m one of those that Constance mentioned who are working in business. The grass sure ain’t greener. I often think I should have gone into teaching! Summers off, day ends by 3. Sounds like some of Constance’s students are real a55holes (can I say that about darling sweet children??) But I work some a55holes myself- they’re middle aged men with stay at home wives. They think I should be doing the same thing, so they disregard my intelligence, my opinion, my voice. I want to feel sorry for myself sometimes too, but I like to envision myself as a mother to a daughter (rather than two boys) and I try to stand with my shoulders high- to set a good example for that imaginary daughter. Interestingly, I often say “if I had a daughter I’d encourage her to be a teacher or a nurse. Those job fields are more friendly to women.” Maybe my grass isn’t so bad after all.
Constance, the reason you are upset when a student is mean to you is because you care about your students’ opinions and value their thoughts-regardless of their age. Unfortunately, this means your hurt feelings. Fortunately, this is what makes you a good teacher.
Oh, Adrienne! I have been there, too! I was once a receptionist at an insurance company and it was the WORST. JOB. EVER. I mean, being a receptionist isn’t the same as being a business woman who actually has a degree in that field–but it sounds as though the surroundings were identical. I do have to remind myself sometimes that I used to feel much worse! Good for you for sticking with it and showing your colleagues that women have every right to be in the business field.
Thank you for what you said about my sensitivity making me a good teacher. Sometimes when things are tough, it’s easy to forget what being sensitive is good for!
Constance
Keep looking for another job, I’m sure something will turn up. Meanwhile, talk to your doctor about how you feel. My insurance offers a free mental health hotline type thing, and I know counseling services are covered under the insurance. Also, you may want to create your own job tutoring students (or based on other skills you have) while you look for more permanent work. Have your husband job search as well, maybe he can find something that pays a little better so that you guys will be okay even if you end up taking a pay cut.
Tricia,
You’re right; it’s been too long since I’ve spoken with my therapist. It’s likely that even just making an appointment for a massage would help me. I need to relax!
I definitely am hoping and praying that my husband finds better work. I feel guilty for saying so because he’s a good husband and he works hard, but he really hasn’t ever been able to find a job for which he’s been reasonably compensated, at least not for someone his age with his level of education. It makes me sad for him.
Constance
Oh Constance. This is a tough spot to be in. Though there’s lots to say about this, I’ll focus on a small part. It sounds like some of your angst comes from the place where you’re X years into a Plan B career with a creeping feeling that you didn’t ever fully pursue Plan A. It’s hard when this happens. Super hard. Esp. when you have kids. And a mortgage. And health insurance you need to keep. My advice? See if there’s a way to merge Plan A & Plan B. Start teaching private music lessons on the side (I know, there is no side with a job and a young kid, but…). Create a summer music camp or programs for group music lessons/training. I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is trying to create another career from thin air. But something interesting may come out of the exploration that you don’t expect. Oh, and also! If music has fallen out of your life in a personal passion way, do a tiny thing to get it back in, even if it’s taking yourself out to see a show: change of scenery + reminder of your passion = a tad more breathing room. Good luck, Constance…
Laura,
Believe it or not, I do these things, and you’re right–they are very important to me. I have been phasing out teaching lessons on the side because it’s hard to offer lessons at times that are convenient for others while also having time with my own family–but I am in an a cappella singing group, a professional choir, and frequently perform in musicals at a local theater. I also tried starting my own theater group last year. We did one performance, but it was a LOT of work and a substantial amount of money to make it work. I’m not going to give up on it, but I’m going to need to find more people to help me out in order to keep it going. In a perfect world, that could be my “real” job!
Constance
I’m sitting here in my classroom at the end of a long day, reading this e-mail, crying, and nodding. I’m so there. I can think of a million things I could do year-round that would, if you averaged out my average exhaustion level over the course of the year, be “less work” than teaching. Eight hours of teaching is NOT the same as eight hours in an office job. I’ve done both.
Constance… you’re not alone.
Sara,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling miserable! All of the advice here certainly applies to you as well, and to anyone else who’s frustrated and depressed in a teaching career. I certainly don’t have all the answers or I wouldn’t have written this letter in the first place, but I can say that taking time to do things for myself does help. It was also very encouraging to me to read the posts from people who said that my sensitivity probably makes me a good teacher. This is true for both of us.
So far, this year I’ve managed to feel better and more in control by being VERY STRICT with my classroom rules and expectations. It’s aggravating because it does take a lot of instructional time away when I have to frequently stop and redirect behaviors, but it’s prevented me from feeling as if I’ve lost my audience. It also doesn’t come naturally to me to be that firm. However, I’ve found that the students still think I’m nice, and I’ve hardly had to raise my voice because situations haven’t escalated to the point that I’ve needed to be loud in order to regain the students’ attention.
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only teacher out there who feels dismayed sometimes!
Good luck!
Constance
And by e-mail, of course, I meant “blog post.”
It HAS been a long day.
My two thoughts to share (some of which have been already stated) are 1) I know musicians who make money teaching private music lessons. This is obviously not a FT gig and has no insurance, but you can make good money ($50+ an hour and very little overhead). 2) When people tell me they can’t do what I did (quit my job and move to one income, my husband’s), I feel like saying, “No, not if you want the exact life you already have.” But there ARE places where you can live on one income, if you are willing to cut some costs here and there (we probably will not continue to send our kids to private school, can’t afford the car we want, are keeping our heat off until it gets REALLY cold, etc.) And the big thing is the willingness or ability to move someplace with a lower cost of living. My husband works from home, so we had flexibility that way (somewhat). It seems an experienced daycare worker would have a lot of flexibility, too.
And maybe this woman would even like teaching if it was in a different kind of school environment? Not every school has hurtful students like this.
Hi Arielle,
Unfortunately, moving somewhere with a lower cost of living is out of the question. My husband and I are both extremely close to our families, and they all live within 20 minutes from us. I’m an only child and I would not be able to deal with not being near my mother. She had a stroke scare a couple of years ago, and she lives by herself.
As far as living on my husband’s salary, that’s also really not an option. On what he makes, we’d have about $400 left over for the month after paying just our mortgage alone (not enough to feed us, let alone pay necessities like utilities)–and if we sold our house, we’d probably not be able to make back what we paid for it. Also, any rental we found wouldn’t be much less than our mortgage payment. Factor in his having to enroll in his company’s (laughable) medical insurance plan, and we’d be up a creek.
I think it’s important to note that switching jobs in our current economy is a luxury for many people. I have many friends who have been looking for either different jobs, or any job (they’re unemployed) for the last couple years. I know this is really stressful for them as they raise their children and have to make all sorts of compromises. Sometimes (in unfortunate situations) I think that there really isn’t opportunity to change. So what do you do at that point? How do you make the best of a bad situation? I guess I’m echoing the end of the post here, but it seems like most of the responses are geared towards career change and I was curious how people deal with stuff that sucks that isn’t changeable. Can attitude make a difference?
Logan,
That’s exactly how I feel, and changing my attitude (or at least trying to learn not to let things bother me) has been what I’ve been trying to do. I’d like to get better at it.
Constance
Constance,
I know you must be so frustrated because you feel overwhelmed and hurt by those little..umm…angels that are in your classes. It is so hard to go to work every day thinking about how much you want to be somewhere else..and getting emotionally beat up every day is certainly a reason to want that!
The thing is, how can they get away with that stuff??? If your school has a no tolerance for bullying policy, you need to get them into the principal’s office right away. How are the kids treating other teachers? If they are disrespecting all of you, your teachers’ union needs to address it with the administration of the school district.
In the meantime, you really need to think about the pros/cons of your job. You say you have children..I can guarantee if you worked in business you would not have the time to share with them like you do during the summer. If you think those kids are mean, just wait until you work in a business office…so much competition causes a lot of hard feelings and aggressive behavior that is far worse than what you are going through at school.
One thing to suggest: think about working with special needs children or patients/seniors in a music therapy situation. You can work through referrals from the schools, the behavior therapists, burn or pediatric units in the hospitals, senior citizen long term care/retirement homes, or local organizations that offer services to these people. The feedback you will get will warm your heart and fulfill that need to help others.
Good luck with your personal journey to find your authentic life work…you may have found it already, maybe it just needs a little “tweaking”.
Barb,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate the fact that you asked the question, “How do they get away with it?” Yes, the children DO treat the other teachers this way, and they get away with it because the management is nonexistent. Our principal has a tendency to blame us if the children act up, or to want to sweep everything under the rug. I’m not sure why she is like that. I mentioned to another commenter (Stephanie) above that I work at two different schools, and the one where I spend a lesser amount of time has an amazing and supportive principal. The students there are a slightly different demographic (it is a nicer neighborhood, so poverty and neglect are less prevalent concerns among the student population), but there are still a fair amount of challenging students–yet their behavior NEVER escalates to the level that I see at my other school. At the very least, this has shown me that my career choice in itself is not the problem. I love teaching at the school with the great principal.
Music therapy is an awesome idea–but I learned recently that to be a true, certified music therapist takes years of education (I think it was 6!) and unpaid internships. I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of pursuing that, but it would take me a long time to get there. I might attempt administrative certification first because it won’t take as long.
Constance
Oh, and I forgot to respond to your comment about working in the business world–yes, I believe what you’re saying to be quite true. I mentioned to another commenter that I did work as a receptionist at an insurance company for a while when I was in my early 20’s and it was horrible.
Constance,
I can completely identify with your situation! I have had some difficulty figuring out what career I truly want as well. I now know that music therapy is it for me, and I just wanted to tell you that it does not need to take 6 years to become a music therapist. If you already have a degree in music, you could enroll in a master’s program for music therapy, or an equivalency program, which is typically just a year or two. Then you would qualify for the exam that would earn you certification. Music therapy is like 90% music related, so having a music degree and background, you’re already most of the way there!
Hang in there, I know how disheartening this situation can be. But I have a feeling you’ll find your way soon:)
Constance,
I would like to say that teaching should be a rewarding experience, but it seems more appropriate to say that Life should be a rewarding experience. I live in NM where schools seem more in-tune with the inner city than the wide open mountain spaces we see everyday. Children in this state are looked over, abused, rolled over, and passed by everyday. Many children in this state are living below the poverty level. Most have both parents working more than one job. Who cares for these children? Unfortunately, they care for themselves.
Reflecting on how you feel is important, but so is putting life into perspective. To the 10 yr old who called you a whore, did her father call her that with hate and venom? Did that 10 yr old hear a boyfriend or husband say that to “the love of his life” or the mother of his children? I am sad for the children who do not have the life of which we dream. I believe that there is a way to connect the disparities and work towards what you want/need while addressing some societal issues, too. Please do not disregard your teaching or music background. Connecticut seems like an open minded state. Can you set up a non-profit group to teach music? Can you and a couple other teachers set up a Community Homeschool Classroom. What is Homeschooling look like in CT? Ms. Cohen recently set up a Homeschool Classroom here. She may have some insight into that approach. You would not only get the students who want to learn, but also the parents who want to help you make that happen. Bonus, you could take your child to work with you!
On a side note, look at the work of Noel Janis Norton. She is from England and has a great parenting system starting with Descriptive Praise. Maybe some of those tools would help in the classroom. I have used them on the playground with other people’s kids and had successs. She also has a blog where she could address some of your classroom issues.
I hope you find what you are looking for very soon. My hope for you is the same as my hopes for myself and a lot of other women in my life. That we may find kindness, respect, and joy in all that we do supporting and nurturing our lives and the lives of others.
Smile, this is your adventure!
Best, N.
Unless you have worked at an inner city school, it is impossible to understand the difficulties. When a child says something about my pregnancy, it does hurt. But, I also understand the background. I had to learn that no matter what anyone said, I would love and teach these kids. My work was completely unrecognized, which was hard, but I do feel proud that I did my best for those kids. Firm but kind was very hard to learn because I am naturally extremely sensitive. I Also recognized burn out. There is a point that a person HAS to leave. They have done their mission. I am out of teaching and now live on my husband’s income. We bought a cheaper home in an area racked by the recession, and sometimes struggle. He does not make much either, but is willing to work hard for me and the baby we are having. You are under an immense amount of strain and my heart goes out to you. I don’t ever want to go back to teaching and I also have dreams of opening a business with my husband, but there are so many (mainly financial) obstacles. Tough bind.
Christina,
You sound exactly like me. I agree with everything you said. I’m still teaching and doing my best to cope with it on a day to day basis, though, because I’m not willing to move (the separation from family wouldn’t be worth it to me) and my husband’s job really doesn’t pay enough even for scraping by, especially if we had to use the health insurance his company offers. I also dream of us starting a business together, so currently I’ve got my sights set on that future goal.
I’m a teacher in upstate NY and dread the thought of going back most years. I tend to be good at what I do, but the stress gets to be too much between the politics, parents, standards, etc… I have a child with disabilities and desperately need the insurance. It’s the only reason I even work. I feel trapped and often wonder what people do without insurance. What is available in terms of family insurance plans that people can afford?
I have to say that for the last couple of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this blog. Keep up the great work.
I can totally sympathize with you…I have a music degree as well, and I regret it more than anything today. I was 17 when I made the choice to study music too, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. As soon as I graduated with my bachelors, I got a job teaching piano in a music school, and I’m still there 4 years later. I’ve been trying to get office jobs doing anything, because quite frankly, I’d be happier doing anything but this. Teaching students from 12 to 9:30 everyday, and only making enough money to barely survive is something I never envisioned for myself. I find myself crying everyday too because of this since it sucks up my weeknights, and I also have to teach Saturdays too. I’m going to school part time right now studying business, so hopefully that will help me to get my foot in the door for something better….
At three colleges that I attended that’s really the only thing that they emphasized in terms of getting a job – a “fall back” plan – teaching somewhere. I guess that getting a job in the public schools isn’t such a bad concept to a lot of people but it’s not part of most people’s “dream”. And most situations don’t work out the way Mr. Holland’s Opus did either. My parents were both teachers and teaching music in the public schools was their dream, not mine. My recommendation – try to turn off the “hate” factor as much as you can. Do whatever you can to avoid descending into a sort of permanent unhappiness – I’ve been there. I know several people in my area here with some amazing degrees in music who found ways of looking for things that make them happy without the local schools. Some teach privately, most don’t. It’s not easy for any of us. In larger cities it’s gotta be much worse. The key – the pursuit of happiness. Everything else is something other than that. Try not to burn bridges – just quit. Do something else. Give a dream a chance. You only live once. (I’ve turned into a series of motivational bumper stickers, sorry). You’ve done what a lot of people will never do, finished college and pursued a carreer goal: now keep growing. Find your real passion. If you never find it you’re still better off than 90% or more people out there, believe me.
I realize this post was made some time ago but it really struck a chord within me. I, too, struggled for years because I was doing a job that just wasn’t fulfilling me in any way. Imagine waking up each morning almost in tears because you can’t fathom how you’ll get through the day? It was horrible.
I did switch jobs and as many posters have explained – it wasn’t the magic bullet that gave me the fulfillment that I thought it would. It was so much more about me looking at it from a different perspective. I ended up back in my original career field for many years and eventually discovered that if I chose to see the situation with a glass half full attitude, that I could not only tolerate it but embrace it.
I stopped working when I had my boys but I do have friends who feel that same dissatisfaction with their career as I did. I often tell them to try and consciously shift their focus to look at the positives instead of the negatives – and although it doesn’t always work, it can have an impact.
Anyways, I love the site – it’s one of my faves. Thanks so much for all the amazing advice and information shared here. It’s like having a seat at a table filled with intelligent, compassionate women.
Wow. Reading about hating your job struck a cord. I also am a teacher in an inner city district, and what you said, could have been me. I am looking for a way out.
CNA’s are tired of being taken advantage of. We are tired of being underpaid, unappreciated and overworked. We are tired of being treated like maids instead of healthcare professionals. We are tired of employers looking at us being as replaceable as toilet paper. If you are a CNA or thinking about becoming one you might want to hear from others who already have the job, at a CNA forum ( tiredofbeingacna ), it’s not at all what they tell you it’s going to be, it’s a lot worse.