Almost two years ago, I wrote my first blog post. As soon as it went live, I thought, I have quite possibly just ruined my entire life.
This was about a year after I went home sick from my job and then never went back. The whole experience still felt painfully raw. I was filled with shame for letting people down, for abandoning the career I’d worked so hard at. I didn’t know how to explain the fact that I was so completely burned out that it wasn’t a choice to stop working, it was a physical necessity. Like most professional women, I had always taken great pains to appear confident, together, in control, and I didn’t know where to begin with the truth. Instead I told people that I was “just really exhausted,” as if I needed a lot of sleep, not a year of medication and intense therapy.
During that year, in between the meds and the therapy, I did a lot of writing and reading and thinking. It became increasingly important, for reasons I will explain, that I share what I was writing about with others.
I thought about starting a blog, but realized all those people I worked with would probably find it. (Of course they would. They’re web consultants. They spend most of their time on the Internet.) They would lose any remaining respect for me. Or maybe even get angry, thinking my experience somehow reflected negatively on them.
And what about when I did start working again? What if potential new clients and coworkers read things I’d written and decided they didn’t want to work with me? I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get freelance work when I needed it.
By that time, I had realized that my nervous breakdown was not some isolated incident, or simply a flaw in my character. Trying to work full-time and raise three very young kids is terrifically hard for most people. The struggle to support a family and still have time to see them was the central angst of most of the women I knew.
I also knew, by then, that it doesn’t have to be this way. There are plenty of countries where women are guaranteed paid parental leave (actually, make that all developed countries except for the U.S.), and generous sick pay. There are many places where people are not expected to work punishingly long hours, where it’s the norm to take a month vacation in the summer, and where part time work is more abundant and less frowned upon than it is here.
But the biggest reason I decided to write about my experience is because I don’t think we can truly solve our problems until we understand them. What discussions of “work-life balance” usually leave out are the throbbing, chaotic, emotional realities of what life is like when you don’t have it.
I launched my blog in March 2010 and held my breath.
A few days later I got my first email from a former coworker. He thanked me for being so honest. He said that even though he didn’t have kids, he, too, was in an ongoing battle to keep work from kidnapping his life. Then I got a similar email from another former coworker. And then, one from a former client who told me he’d quit his job for the same reasons I had described.
Flash forward two years …
So far, 17 former coworkers or clients have contacted me through email, phone calls and blog comments to show their support for what I’m writing about. I can’t tell you how gratifying that is.
And so far, (knock on wood!), I’ve had a steady stream of freelance work coming in, which in this economy is something to be grateful for. If anyone has decided they don’t want to work with me because of the things I write about, well, I’ve been too busy to notice.
In fact, some of my more interesting job leads have come, not in spite of my blog, but because of it. One entrepreneur who runs a local agency practically stalked me with job offers after reading this Mother’s Day post. He, too, was struggling with how to keep work from swamping his life. Just the other day, I mentioned in a blog post that I was in between freelance contracts. Almost immediately, I got a Twitter message from someone I haven’t talked to in years. “I LOVE your blog!” she said. “I’m looking for freelancers. Interested?”
Career “experts” would tell you to never be as frank as I’ve been. They’d advise you to transform your nervous breakdown into a ‘sabbatical,’ or perhaps an ‘ethnographic study of the behavioral health care system’ — anything to hide the fact that you were not in complete control of your life at all times. But I didn’t follow that advice, and here’s what I’ve learned instead: When you speak open-heartedly, when you are authentic about your own experience, when you are honest about what went wrong, a lot of people will like you and want to work with you, even more than if you pretend to be floating sublimely above the messiness of your life.
I’ve worked at places that spent ridiculous sums on company retreats and internal “messaging campaigns” to get people to work together better. But imagine how workplace culture would be transformed if everyone decided to stop posturing, playing stupid turf wars, and desperately trying to look like flawless mannequins and instead inhabited their own humanity and the truth of their experience.
Last week I got a call from a recruiter. I frequently get calls from recruiters, so this one struck me as unusual. Instead of launching straight into his project pitch, he said something about being a new dad.
That’s odd, I thought, Recruiters never do that. But then he brought it up again a minute later.
It dawned on me that he’d been reading my blog. Rather than scaring him away, he was eager to find a way to work together. Soon we were deep in conversation about the sacrifices you make to be home with your kids.
You know what? That’s really cool. It’s really cool to be yourself in a job interview.
This is my career advice:
- Stop pretending to be bulletproof, invincible, and perfect.
- Stop pretending your personal time doesn’t matter.
- Know your limits, and be honest about them.
- Inhabit your own humanity at work, warts and all.
It will feel weird at first, but you will be giving permission for others to do the same. You might find that work becomes a healthier place to be.
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Cross-posted from the Huffington Post
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I’m not posting that often. Maybe a few times per month.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
If quitting were an option for me, I can’t begin to tell you how fast I’d do it. I dream about it, actually. I know I’m depressed. I know I’m burned out. But I know there aren’t currently any other options for dealing with it (not and be able to stay above water financially). I try to take time for myself but in the grand scheme of things, that means nothing when on Sunday afternoon the thought of coming back into this office makes me want to a) scream, b) drink, c) cry, and d) a, b, and c simultaneously.
Ha ha–your post made me laugh. Your A, B, C and all three is sometimes how I feel. Yes, there is no way for me to quit. I would love to. I actually began this journey as a stay-at-home/work part-time Mom. Then my husband lost his job and just decided nothing was good enough for him so he siphoned off his Mom and did “gigs” every once in awhile he felt were good enough. Now, I’d LOVE to quit–but you can’t quit and feel good about it without a really solid financial base—-I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my “free” time. I would be worried about $ all the time. So, I stay at it and dream up inventions, play the lotto (actually I don’t, but my husband does!) and pray damnit pray that the light will shine on us sooner rather than later!! Good luck-I hope you get what you want! And remember–never give up–NEVER (trite but true).
Right on Katrina. Congrats on your blog and professional success! You deserve it.
I would add another item to the career advice: Financially plan assuming you WILL have children. We are encouraged to plan for possibility of retirement but not the likely-hood of having children. It’s nuts!
My cousin is 34 and freaking out about having a child (with her husband of 10 years)because of financial reasons. They have made 80-100K per year for the last 7 years but they have not saved enough for her to leave the job market. Some financial “family planning” should be part of our career advice, too.
Keep up the great work.
I was upfront when I was interviewing for my current job, that I really wanted the job but that my first priority was my kids and I planned on homeschooling them and being a very active mom. My kids were two and five at the time, and I had been working from home running a home daycare for the last two years. Now I have a great full-time job for a church, with flexible hours that lets me bring the kids to work with me and respects sick leave and snow days and all that. But I’m still burned out!
Thanks, Sara. I’m curious. What do you think it would take to NOT feel burned out? (For the record, my last full time job was “flexible” too, but it was still full time and it was still too much.)
This blog post just made me realize and accept that I left my job 9 months ago because I was breaking down (physically sick all of the time and emotionally wrecked). While I addressed what I considered to be the cause of it all, I never addressed me. I just assumed that leaving my job and staying home with my kids would fix everything. While I am happier and healthier, I still struggle. But since I believed that staying at home would cause all of those problems to go away, I haven’t been honest with myself or others about how I feel. Now, I see that I really need to deal with it. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Wow. Thanks for your comment, Melissa. I wish you tons of luck in sorting it all out.
YES. Thank you so much for putting words to all of this. I’ve had much the same realization since having my kiddo…I just don’t have the energy to keep up the charade anymore. The big symbolic moment for this was when I ordered business cards with the tagline: “Video Producer, Blogger, Doula.” I figured, you know what??? I can be all of those things at once. I don’t have to keep them separate. And you know what??! I’ve never liked keeping everything compartmentalized. I’m a big squishy messy person just like everybody else. And you know what? I effing love those business cards.
And, what the hell, you’ve inspired me, I’m in between freelance contracts right now… 🙂 just in case you have any clients that want a gutsy video producer with a knack for capturing soul and authenticity…!
Your post helped me remember that the personal IS political. And I want to be in the work world (and every world, for that matter) the way that I wish it was.
I don’t know. I think this is naive. It probably depends on the profession. As an attorney, my guess is that very few employers would be excited about googling a job candidate and finding out she has a lot of personal drama. Arguably a claim of a nervous breakdown sets off HR about having to make accommodations for a mental issue, etc. etc. But law is hard. Difficult to divide up litigation into discrete pieces that can be free lanced. Very few full time successful female attorneys with kids. Any type of situation where there is a set salary, and then your profitability depends on both cut throat results (your opponents in litigation are there to tear you apart, remember) but also on how many hours you can bill, will be difficult. Accounting also comes to mind.
Yep you are right. I am an accountant and they want you on full time and more. It’s hard, if not, impossible to find accounting positions that are flexible/part time. You have to contribute to the bottomline of your company by being able to bill hours.
Nicole makes great points. This blog doesn’t so much demonstrate that it’s good career advice in general to walk away from your job (without warning or a backup plan) as it demonstrates that if you are a good and clever writer who desires a freelance career, writing on a “hot topic” is a good way to get in front of your audience. I congratulate the author on her success but submit that starting a blog on a mommy wars issue is unlikely to offer any financial gain to the average beleaguered working mom.
This is something I struggle with on my blog and in my life, being open and honest about what my experience is really like. I can’t even manage to be vulnerable in this comment, so let me just say I’m glad that freelance work is going well for you, you are a talented and honest writer and you deserve it!
I really enjoyed your post. You reminded me to be human and not kill myself to be some super woman. It’s hard to be honest. I write a blog and find myself wanting to write about the truths about motherhood and working and how hard it all is BUT I end up thinking people won’t want to read that. It’ll come off as complaning. Yet, I now realize, it’s my blog and writing helps relieve stress. So, I am going to write the truth. Thanks for the inspiration.
What are you doing about health insurance?
My husband owns (I own, too) his own business so health coverage, if we could even get it, would cost thousands of dollars a month.
We are currently on COBRA from my last full-time job. While it is expensive at $860/mo., it is FAR less than the open market for a family of 4.
I, too, am burned out after working 10+ years as a full time working mom.
When the kids were younger, I thought it was difficult. But it actually gets MORE difficult the older they get, what with homework, school, sports, etc.
What I’m looking for is work where I can actually have breakfast and dinner with my kids. I don’t want to torture them by dropping them off to school at 7am and pick them up at 6 every day.
My question is, why exactly, do companies require their employees to come in at the crack of dawn and stay late merely for appearance sake? To me, if people can’t get their s–t done between the hours of 9 & 5, there’s something wrong, either with them or how the place works in general. Sure, if you’re in retail, etc. that doesn’t make sense. I’m talking about “white color” corporate positions.
I worked in advertising the majority of my career and can’t you the looks I got when I had to leave at 5:30 to pick up my kids.
Problem is, when others don’t have kids (mostly young people here) they basically f off most of the day and then stay late to wait until traffic dies down, then go out or home or wherever.
As for leaving a trail of yourself on the internet, because i KNOW HR folks and others look and google you the second they get your resume, etc. I’ve spent the last few months basically neutralizing and making myself pretty much unfindable short of my linkedin profile and “strategic” work-related commentary. (hence, my “non name” here)
And I’m not even talking about medically-related stuff like a break down.
My question: does ANYBODY out there know of actually well-paying jobs (no less than $80k — was making over $100 in my last job) that are upfront about having TRUE flexible hours (not 8-5 vs. 8:30-5:30) in Dallas?
Advertising is probably a lot like web design agencies in terms of hours, work culture, etc. Tough to find a place that doesn’t give you the stink eye for leaving at 5 (or 4:30 in my case).
But working for myself has been great because I manage my own hours and do much of the work from home. Covering our own health insurance isn’t cheap, but we found a high deductible policy with kaiser that costs about the same as your cobra.
4 years ago I left for Thanksgiving vacation and never went back to work…not because it was liberating or because I could afford to, but because I was physically-emotionally-every-which-way exhausted, suicidal, and close to killing myself. I lost everything and, all these years later, have yet to find my path again.
I feel for the people who “don’t have the luxury of quitting,” (I didn’t, either) but not everyone who just can’t take it anymore IS in the one percent. I didn’t have kids or a husband or any of the extra stuff, and I was still at the end of my rope. The problem is societal, not unique to those individuals who can’t hash it. We’re all go-go-go, do-do-do, riding the sleep-deprived adrenaline roller coaster until, one day, it crashes. And we blame ourselves.
I blog anonymously because I KNOW I’d never have my career back. You can’t write frankly about suicide without people putting you in the “mentally ill” box. My breakdown-anxiety-depression sure convinced me that me and my “illness” were the problem, but now I’m convinced it’s the world that’s effed up.
I absolutely agree with this:
“The problem is societal, not unique to those individuals who can’t hash it.”
And frankly, the idea that’s it’s a luxury of the “one-percenters” to burn out is absurd. If we were in the one percent, we would quit before we burned out. Duh.
Thanks for this. This means more to me than you probably understand right now. I’m a full-time working new mom and having incredible difficulty figuring out how to balance my life and manage my conflicted emotions. Before embarking on working momhood thing I naively thought that I would handle it with natural grace. I thought that because I see everyone else around me seemingly doing it. But I know now that they’re all just putting on the happy face.
Occassionally in the middle of a crazed work day I troll around the internet looking for resources to help me cope and find a lot of stuff encouraging me to not feel guilty about working. But what if I DO feel guilty? What if I feel like a complete failure as a mother and also a complete failure as a professional (I’m a nonprofit director)? I’m glad to have found you. I’m sick of the “everyone else does it” explaination for why I shouldn’t cry everyday I drop my child off at daycare to be raised by strange women while I put in extra long hours to satisfy some stupid societal expectation! So I celebrate what you’re doing here. We NEED more public discourse about this if we ever want to make systematic changes to lessen the burden on us working moms. You’re my hero.
Thank you.
Your comment: “…But what if I DO feel guilty?…”
This is exactly what I can’t stand about all the pat self-help advice for working moms. It ignores the reality that there is a structural problem, and just putting on a brave face will not fix it.
Most jobs aren’t made for people who have to take care of other people. That’s what needs to change.
Thank you for your career advice. I really needed that. Happy Mother’s Day!
Yeah I have to chuckel, single mom, working for government 24 yrs sexually harassed since day 1, and no I do not mean pat on the back I mean guy showing erections, guy fondling penis, supervisors saying if I wont date them I wont get promoted, so didn’t, you name it, even lady boss laughing with guy who showed my his “erection” they thought it was Funny” and had me fix others mistakes and told to my face “if I want you to sit and cut wires I can do that cause I am your boss” so 24yrs due to hammered over a workmans comp issue, it took me to crack also 9 yrs a reservist, drugged raped in military, and woo hoo see a Career Counselor next week and have to give a “goal” and you guy think you have such a boo hoo time,,,,,,, and what did I do “work harder” fast, better, then the 600 or so men I had to work with, and what I get for it, called a trouble maker cause the time got cut for the work load,, so can not win,,, I was called everything you can think even the C-word. Maybe you did not have 5 brothers, I did not grow up a sissy. Will I put all this on a resume heck NO! the recuriters only look at skills, so still to your skills.