The Venn diagram of parenthood

by Katrina on March 1, 2012

I’m not sure why I put this together, but I thought it might make for interesting discussion.

Notice that “good” dads and “bad” moms occupy the same part of the chart?

I used to be heavily in the blue/green circles, no yellow. Now I like to think I’m closer to the Swedish moms, in the middle, but some days it feels all green, other days are very blue.

Where are you?

* * *

I’m not posting that often. Maybe a few times per month. (Writing belongs in the yellow circle.)

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Angel

I need more help explaining the diagram…. what does “sit-com moms mean? And why does it say “your kids” under Personal Time? Is personal time for me or for them…?
Sorry to be so needy!

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Katrina

Sit-com moms are the fake ones on TV – but I haven’t watched a sit com in years, so maybe they aren’t like that.

Your kids live in personal time. Don’t they? At least my preschooler does.

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MJ

Why are they not in family time? Help me understand:)

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Katrina

OK. I can see why this is confusing.

I put the kids in “personal time” because I think of these circles representing obligations. Maybe that’s not a good way to think of it…But that is how most of the women I know live. We are either DOING SOMETHING for our family (or our social circle–church, school, friends–which could be an extension of family), for our jobs, or for ourselves.

If you look at it that way, then my 4-year-old, (who plays swords, reads books, and sings his way through each day from sun up to sundown like he’s in a never-ending musical) LIVES in the realm of personal time. That is true whether he is with family or at daycare or whatever. And I’m glad. Because that means he’s having a happy childhood, which is what we’ve worked so hard to give him.

Feel free to disagree.

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Janet

Maybe I see too many dads (husbands of friends, male co-workers) who spend way too much time working and I tend to think of them not necessarily BAD dads/moms but sad. They make me sad. It makes me sad if they feel they have to be away from their family that much to make a living and it makes me sad for their family to think that they never get to spend time with them. A co-worker (female) told me a story about how she was checking e-mail within 2 hours of giving birth and it just made me sad to think that she felt she had to do that.

Personally I probably neglect my career too much for family which makes me feel intensely guilty at work. And I don’t take enough personal time for myself which makes me stressed. Not in the sweet spot yet but maybe one day?

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Suzanne

I’m way too much in the work circle! But then I’m a single mom with a full time job and a part time private practice, so there you go. When I’m not working (or sometimes when I am) I’m feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to my son. When I do have personal time, I have gotten myself so far out of the habit of engaging in a hobby or keeping up with a social circle that I feel bored and dejected. I end up watching 3 movies in a row, or going to bed early.

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Momof2

This is a great visual, to start the dialogue. Where I am totally depends on the day, week, whether kids are sick (or school is closed like today), project, etc. I would say since becoming self employed, there’s much more flexibility for yellow/personal time. I’m almost always in 2 circles at once – i.e., with the kids today, but as I’m wrapping up filing taxes (personal??? yuck!), they’re home, but watching a little TV (PBS, but still it’s TV…why do I feel so guilty about that?). Ah, well. Off for some persona/family time…outdoors.

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holly

I have spent a good deal of motherhood as a working mom, but work/career has definitely taken a backseat to the family. I have known that I haven’t achieved professionally because I have found ways to focus on being a mother. Well, my buried fear has finally come true and I find myself looking for a job in a tight economy without some of the professional credentials I really should have built up over the past 9 years. Now I feel like a BAD Mother for risking the financial security of my family. can’t win for losing.

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Katrina

“Now I feel like a BAD Mother for risking the financial security of my family.”

Yes, it’s funny how these obligations blend together. That’s why they called it “the problem that has no name.” Because the problem keeps changing, and you can’t win for losing.

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Nancy Davis Kho

I used to think I wanted to be a sitcom mom, but now you have given me something new to strive for: Swedishness! Off to buy a bottle of Aquavit.

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Katrina

You could also move to Norway. They have it figured out pretty well over there, too.

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Tricia

I think I am somewhat in the middle because I do get some personal time, but the majority of my time is evenly split between career and family.

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Blessing@Working Mom Journal

This visual puts a lot in perspective. My time is between my family, career and my hobby like blogging, etc., so I may be in the middle after all…now that refreshing!

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Logan

I find this a bit confusing– shouldn’t stay at home moms be in the sit-com moms spot? And I guess I view Eric’s work time as personal time for him, but I don’t think that makes him bad?

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Susan

Hi there,

I find this an interesting overview. One thing that came to mind is that the sit-com moms can also be replaced by “expat-spouses”. I’ve been a trailing spouse for a few years, but worked as a freelancer the whole time. However, most spouses fit the category of “sit-com” moms, with kids in school/daycare/nanny and them not having the need/right to work.

But I agree that if both parents have a 9-5 job (or 8-8 ;)), there is no space for the yellow circle. Unless we abolish this unnecessary thing called SLEEP! 🙂

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Leanne

The swedes and other scandinavian countries still haven’t figured out how to sustainably support single parents – the U.S. actually has more support, resources, etc for single parents (maybe because the U.S. has a higher percentage of parents who are parenting without a spouse/partner).

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Katrina

“…the U.S. actually has more support, resources, etc for single parents”

Really? Like what?

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Leanne

A friend of mine in a big city in one of those mentioned scandinavian countries says that it’s so family focused that if you are a single parent (as she is) you don’t fit in and there’s a constant ideal of the “perfect” 2parent family thrown in your face. All of the literature there about single parenting is in English, none dealing with single parenting in Sweden/Norway/Finland. The midwives at the hospital actually made her feel bad/guilty. Here in the U.S. there are lots of support groups, books, resources, places to go, more acceptance of single parenting, more single parents everywhere, lots of online groups, here in the bay area there is a “single parents by choice” group. For example, at my kid’s public school in SF, probably 25% of the parents are single parents. Her experience there reminds me of my experiences as a dyke parent here in the U.S. – lit/stories/media focus on het parents, particularly when my wife was pregnant, some negative attitudes towards lesbian parents, and so on. I’m sure Sweden/Norway/Finland is a great place for families with 2 parents + kids.

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Katrina

That’s so interesting. I wonder how the divorce rate compares to ours, and if that has something to do with cultural attitudes.

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Poker Chick

Love it! You need a section for “Slacker” moms 🙂
Also single moms, who are apparently child abusers according to some of our *esteemed* politicians

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Nicole London

I really like Venn Diagram. I think you have great headings to describe each spot. Balance can be so hard to get, especially as a young mother. Obligations definitely fill your time. It’s a lot like juggling- though I do take time to go online and there are a few blogs I enjoy. It really helps to read other stories on my favorite working mom blog and see other moms going through the same things. I really enjoy is Young Urban Mothers. They have great stories and advice, as well as ideas to do with kids and recipes. Pretty much everything a young mother could use, urban or not. I would definitely recommend them.

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Kelly

Your website is truly an inspiration ! Working in comjunction with motherhood has always been difficult for me! I’d love to see more posts!

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muse

It’s a Svenn Diagram!

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