I’m blown away by this essay: “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” Finally, someone is saying what’s true.
The author, Anne-Marie Slaughter, was a high-powered working mom in Washington who stepped off her career fast track to be with her teenage children. Then she wrote an essay, which was published in The Atlantic, saying the thing no one wants to say out loud, but secretly we all know is true.
“The women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed,” she says.
(I would like add they’ve been lucky, too. Meaning, lucky not to have children with the kind of health issues that would require them to stop. Also, some of them also have stay-at-home husbands, an extreme rarity, despite all the hype.)
She says our lot won’t change unless women in leadership positions speak out, and that having more women leaders would help solve the problem. I couldn’t agree more.
She has a critique for women like Sheryl Sandberg, who, despite the best of intentions, continue to perpetuate the myth that if women just “keep their foot on the gas pedal” everything will work out fine. (The implication is that it’s our own damn fault if we can’t do it all.)
Instead, the author says we need to take this conversation out of the realm of the personal, and look at the structural and cultural issues that are holding us back.
In this age of self-help, Republican pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps, DIY-determinism, cult of the individual, I find this idea enormously refreshing. No, it’s not about you. It’s about all of us.
“Ultimately, it is society that must change, coming to value choices to put family ahead of work just as much as those to put work ahead of family. If we really valued those choices, we would value the people who make them; if we valued the people who make them, we would do everything possible to hire and retain them; if we did everything possible to allow them to combine work and family equally over time then the choices would get a lot easier.”
So what are we supposed to do about it?
After two years of writing about the work-family crisis, this is the question I find most vexing. My former boss, a working mom herself, asked me this question about a year after I left my job.
“It’s like you’re asking how to solve global warming,” I told her. “There isn’t one simple answer.”
She gave me a funny look.
But what I meant was, everything has to change—from government policies (Have you noticed that even Zimbabwe has paid maternity leave?), to workplace policies (How much sick time have YOU used up this year?), to the way men and women divide chores at home (No way are those Chore Wars over) to the way women treat each other (Want something to whine about?).
Slaughter appears to agree. She says we need to change the “culture of face time” (yet another spin on telecommuting and flexible schedules). She says employers should evaluate a job candidate who is also a parent the way they would evaluate a job candidate who is also a marathon runner. (Personally, I think what we do is harder. Even in extreme sports, you get to lie down when it’s over. Not so when your kid is throwing up at 2 am and you have a 7 am conference call with the team in Japan.)
She also says we need to redefine the “arc of a successful career.” This is what has so many women I know stymied—after taking five years to be home with kids, their resume is toast. Employers don’t want to hear that you took time off to do unpaid work.
She also has a lot to say about the pursuit of happiness, but I need to put my kids to bed, so I think you should just read the essay and then come back here and tell me what you think.
What do you think?
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I stopped out of work when my second child was a toddler, and ended up spending a decade mostly at home. A physician, I have done volunteer teaching of trainees and have filled in for other physicians out for maternity leave during this period. I studied for and passed recertification exams in both of my specialties. Even so, I am finding it a challenge to re-enter the work force, now that my children are older. Employers view you with suspicion if you have taken an extended period away from steady employment.
I loved the essay. I agree that with all of our technological advances we need to adjust the workplace. There’s no reason for so much travel when you can skype. There’s no reason to have to be IN the office 5 days a week when you can do a conference call or a webinar. Offices need to adjust to modern life.
And I honestly think that if these opportunities were available for EVERYONE, regardless of age, family status or reason, there would end up being a lot less resentment directed towards mothers and our family needs. If everyone else was awarded flexibility, I’m quite sure maternity leave would follow eventually (and not that pathetic excuse we have for it now, when sick time parades as leave).
Loved the essay and the conversations is it sparking. Was surprised that she didn’t mention year-round schooling as another possible solution. Seems like shorter breaks throughout the year might be easier for working parents to pull off successfully, especially since the camps would be made available around those times off…
I really enjoy your writing, and I loved the essay too. Especially the idea of changing the arc of a successful career… It came at a great time for me. I’ve summarised some of my thoughts here: http://bit.ly/MrSJDk
While most of us are not in the same position as Anne-Marie Slaughter (PhD, senior government official), I’m glad to see this issue getting some more attention. It’s about time! Two-earner households have been the norm for decades now, but the systems we have in place– from school hours, to availability of high-quality, affordable child care, to our commutes, to the 40-plus-hour workweek– have not budged. My dream is for a system of flexible workplaces, universal healthcare, and year-round schools, that empowers us all (moms, dads, singles) to have more control over how, when, and where we work. We have a long way to go but here’s hoping the conversation is finally getting some airtime.
I’m glad Slaughter wrote this article, encouraging discussion on the issue of work-life balance. I am frustrated, however, by her proposed solution, which appears to boil down to this: “If people think that they can go home, and have dinner with their kids and then go back to work, then that opens up a whole lot of space that’s not currently there.” (Quote from Motherode blog). If you go home, have dinner with your kids, and then go back to work, then who picks up the kids from school? Who takes them to their after-school activities? Who cooks dinner? Who cleans up after dinner, and who gets the kids to bed? Who checks the calendar and figures out what they need for school the next day? And when do you relax? When do you read? When do you talk to your partner?
I have lived this kind of life. I worked from home during the day, then picked my son up from the nanny, got home, made dinner, got him to bed, cleaned up, and then put in two extra hours of work at night. The result? Complete exhaustion and dissatisfaction with my job and life in general. What we really need are more part-time options, job-sharing options, and real 40-hour work weeks that leave enough space for family, kids, sleep and other pursuits (for everyone, not just parents).
ShyMom,
I think you’re absolutely right, and that was my experience, too. If all you do is work and basic kid care, when does the other stuff happen?
The one thing I’ll say in the author’s defense is I think she’s trying to make the point that if more women could make it into leadership roles, then the things you describe (job shares, pt options, etc.) would be easier to push through for all women (and men). But getting to the top is so cutthroat, that just going home to have dinner with your kids is a revolutionary idea…
On another note, I worked with a (giant, global) company recently where one of the leaders (a man) makes a point of going home EVERY DAY at 5 pm to eat dinner with his kids. He does not hide this fact–everyone knows his schedule. A much younger male employee commented one this, with admiration. Little things like this can go a long way to changing attitudes and behavior in the workplace.
I just read an article in my undergrad alum magazine (University of Illinois) about an alumnus who is the first woman to head a major accounting firm. You know what she said in the article? Something along the lines of “I couldn’t do this with kids because of all the travel.” I admire her for being honest about her choices. She realized there are life balance choices and she couldn’t have it all.
I always tell college-age women you have to choose. If you have a great career, you need to outsource our children. If you have children you want to be home for during their formative years, you’ll have to make career sacrifices for a while. A friend who runs her own, highly-successful company said she could do it because she has a “wife” aka a nanny who is also her household manager. My friend’s only real job at home is to manage her nanny and spend time with her children. Not too many woman are lucky enough to be in that position.
The reality is that having it all was always a myth. It’s just that we’re just beginning to realize it. Until we realize it we won’t be able to be happy either with our career choices or our family lives.
By the way, last I checked, the White House is currently occupied by a Democrat. Just sayin… But that’s not the point here and I do not want to shift the focus away from the topic of this post. I too am also glad Slaughter wrote this article. She basically validated everything I am feeling right now. My sister recently asked me if having a high paying but also more demanding job was worth it (compared to her lower paying but higher flexibility job). I asked her, What’s more important to you? Making money or being happy? I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but it is definitely mine.
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