My advice to women who give advice to women

by Katrina on July 2, 2012

Cross-posted from The Huffington Post.

By now, you’ve probably either read or read about Anne-Marie Slaughter’s Atlantic essay in which she recounts from personal experience why she believes women cannot “have it all” and calls on all of us to recognize the conditions that must change to make it possible for women to thrive in careers and motherhood.

As someone who has been writing about this issue for three years, I read her essay with relief. Finally! Now, at last, we can have the dialogue we should have been having for the last few decades instead of all the bogus “Mommy Wars.” How can we make the workplace more friendly to women — and men — with family obligations?

But the reactions I’ve read to the essay have not gone in that direction. Instead, there has been the usual debate about what “having it all” really means, and the it’s-not-really-that-bad opinion pieces (despite so much evidence to the contrary). Then comes this essay, by Susan Chira, the assistant managing editor for news at the New York Times.

Chira talks about how much she loves her work, despite the strains that long hours and travel put on her family life. Now that her youngest child is only a year away from college she says, “all in all, I think my family would agree that I managed to juggle without depriving them.” In other words: I worked hard, and my kids are fine.

Chira admits that she had more flexibility in her job than many other women, in part because she could take advantage of modern technology so that she was not “tied to the office.” She admits many women don’t have this option, and surmises they probably never will without “federal mandates.” Then she quickly writes this off as “a pipe dream in today’s environment of austerity and the drive for smaller government.”

Chira says there’s a price to pay for high achievement and asks, “Is it realistic to expect anyone can ascend to the top without that total commitment?” She concludes with this advice for younger women: “Be patient. And relentless.”

There are so many things wrong with this response, it’s hard to know where to begin, so I will take them, as the writer Anne Lamott would say, “bird by bird.”

Bird #1: I worked hard and my kids are fine.

I, too, have worked hard. At times I’ve given every last ounce of energy I had to my work (web consulting and management) and my children (now ages 5, 9 and 11). Three years ago, I burned out at my full-time job and had to take a year to recuperate. My kids were fine. I was not.

I know I’m not alone. Studies show that women’s happiness has declined both absolutely and relative to that of men. About a year ago, I posted a survey on my own blog, asking working parents about stress and its effects on their health. Of the 560 respondents in households where all parents work, a whopping 88 percent said they experienced stress-related health problems since becoming a working parent.

Chira’s argument is a more delicate way of saying “I did it. Why can’t you?” It perpetuates the ugly idea that the answer lies in just working harder, sucking it up. There’s nothing wrong with working hard, but those of us with family obligations are often working too hard, way too hard, and it’s making us sick. We have to stop taking our own health for granted.

Bird #2: Women won’t get flexibility at work without a “federal mandate.”

Huh? There’s no way to change workplace culture without a government mandate? By now, there is an impressive body of evidence showing that progressive companies already use telecommuting, flexible schedules, and other “custom-fit work practices” to make the workplace more friendly to mothers (and fathers). What’s more, these practices cost little or nothing to implement and lead to increased productivity, decreased costs in turnover and absenteeism and a stronger bottom line.

In other words, it is in a company’s best interests to do the right thing, no government “mandates” required. But the leaders in most large companies (read: mostly guys with stay-at-home wives, full-time nannies, or both) are often ignorant of the issues their employees face, so they have little incentive to change, even if that change is in their company’s best interest. Which is why it would be really great to have more women leaders, (women like you, Susan), to help get the word out.

Bird #3. Government help is a “pipe dream”

Not so fast. Government may not be the only solution, but we can’t let government off the hook so easily.

The United States has a deplorable record when it comes to supporting working families. Human Rights Watch published a report in 2011 that declared the U.S. is “failing its families” through “weak or nonexistent laws on paid leave, breastfeeding accommodation and discrimination against workers with family responsibilities.” The very least we can do is demand some form of paid maternity (or parental) leave, something that every single developed country in the entire world enjoys, with the exception of the United States. If Zimbabwe, Honduras and Bulgaria can figure this one out, surely we can, too.

Bird #4. It’s not realistic to expect women to ascend to the top if they don’t show “total commitment.”

What does that phrase, “total commitment,” really mean? Being a workaholic, not having any family time, and giving oneself completely to one’s job? I don’t call that total commitment. I call that mental illness. How can people be truly effective leaders — in the corporate world, the non-profit world or government — if they are not grounded in the relationships that make them human? How can they understand the needs of their employees and constituents without a vehicle for compassion in their own lives? It was “total commitment” (and lack of perspective) that begat the risky, self-centered behavior by Lehman Brothers and others that ushered in the economic collapse of 2008.

We need more leaders who have a visceral recognition of the human consequences of their actions. That understanding comes from a rich and full life, including a network of respectful and loving relationships, not from pulling all-nighters at the office.

Bird #5. My advice… be patient.

Why does almost every essay on the subject of working mothers seem to end with advice for working mothers? Has it occurred to you, Susan, that we don’t need your advice?

We are working our butts off, making the best of incredibly trying circumstances, in a country with the worst work-family conflict of any developed nation in the world. The problem is not us. The problem is a society that doesn’t value the role of caregiving. A workplace that doesn’t value the well-being of its employees. A belief that you aren’t “committed” to your job if you leave at 4:30 to pick up your kids from daycare, or that a few years off to care for young children spells the ends of career advancement.

My advice to Susan Chira and women like her is this: Save your advice for the people who need it — your colleagues, your HR departments and your employers who don’t understand why the new mom needs to take a nursing pump break every three hours. Those are the people who need enlightenment.

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Rebecca Curtis

Thank you so much for writing this. As a full-time mom and working outside the home 40+ hours per week I really appreciate your perspective!

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Logan

awesome article!

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ShyMom

Yes. Thank you.

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Guest

I work 40+ hours and have a 2 and 3 year old. I am completely overwhelm with being a good wife, mom, employee and keeping up with housework, laundry etc. Add in adrenal fatigue, limited PTO due to back to back maternity leaves, time off for my babies being sick etc…it is so hard. We can’t afford for me to stay home right now – but we are working towards even a part time option. My husband is very supportive – but we have so many friends and family who ‘have it all’ (clean house, organized, ‘juggling’ things well) and I feel that he wonders why I am not like that. Before I found your blog, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me (thanks to comments from other people and articles in the line of Chira’s). Thank you so much for being honest and brave.

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Jenni

Thank you so much for writing this response. I’ve been reading all of the ‘response’ articles from Anne-Marie Slaughter’s original article. This latest one sickened me. Many of us in the ‘under-privileged’ sect, who despite having a solid four-year degree, worked and were not able to afford luxuries like a house-keeper or nanny to assist us with the added responsibilities that come with being a working parent. My personal health deteriorated once I became a working mom. Absolutely deteriorated.
Please keep writing these excellent posts to keep the focus on the way our American society needs to change. We need to value and embrace working parents in the USA. We need change and the only way change occurs is to educate and inform people about the realities that working parents face. We need to stop perpetrating myths that women should ‘just be patient’ and ‘keep the gas pedal’ down while pursuing their careers and raising children. Because, really, who needs physical and mental health, anyway?

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MPryhuber

Thank you for writing this!!!!

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Heather

I feel the fire in your belly on this one. Can you get it posted to Huff Post, too!?

I saw the comments on Anne-Marie’s post. They showed a lack of creativity and education on the part of Americans. Many of the commentors incidentally are men. At least they are interested in the topic (even if they go off into some anti-feminist rant).

When I talk about the solutions to this women’s eyes just glaze over like I started speaking Russian. So I’m learning how to speak about the problem in less technical terms and approaching men. I’m finding many men are receptive to new economic ideas. Women unfortunately lack exposure or have general uninterest in economics. They cannot make a case for improving their conditions without proper understanding of how it all works.

Thanks for such and energizing article! We need to get at the issue the way the gay & lesbian movement brought their social needs into the spotlight. They have been very effective.

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Holly

Thank you for your excellent response to Chira’s piece. She and Slaughter are women who have achieved at a level unattainable to most women and men regardless of whether or not they decide to have children. Yet, their high profile voices are welcome to me in this dialog. I try to skim through the parts about how it is hard even when you have nannies, housecleaners, husbands who take their kids to doctors’ appointments, and try not to get offended when they acknowledge that it is even harder for women without their educational and financial advantages. Okay, it smarts a little when those of us with advanced degrees from non-Ivy league schools are grouped with migrant workers….

Still, If they are talking, maybe more people will be listening to voices (like yours Katrina) who been thoughtfully identifying and posing solutions to the work-family conflict that most American women and men have been facing alone.

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Donna

THIS:
“I try to skim through the parts about how it is hard even when you have nannies, housecleaners, husbands who take their kids to doctors’ appointments, and try not to get offended when they acknowledge that it is even harder for women without their educational and financial advantages. Okay, it smarts a little when those of us with advanced degrees from non-Ivy league schools are grouped with migrant workers….”

It is really demoralizing, as a hardworking, educated married woman, whose duel-income family is none the less barely scratching its way into the middle class, to get a pat on the head from the conversation-starters (as if we trench-dwellers haven’t been talking about these issues for years) and then be gently dismissed with – I know things are tough for you ladies, and I acknowledge my privileged, but this really isn’t about you…..

I have long believed that the things that are holding us back from real change that will benefit all families is infighting between women – and not just the mommy-wars variety – but also based class. Low-income mothers, face the same basic challenges regarding work-life balance as more affluent mothers, but we continue to talk about about the issues as if we come from different planets. What is up with that? Really.

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Donna

Please forgive the typos. I dared to try and express a thought with my children awake. :0)

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Tammy

I love the way the women like Chira say just work harder, longer and it’ll pay off and in spite of working 40+ hours a week at the office and putting in additional time at home, our kids will turn out alright, our marriages will survive and you’ll be so fulfilled as a woman.

Funny thing is, does anyone ever ask the children what they wish mom would do? This is NOT a comment about working mom vs. stay-at-home mom. My point is, I wish we would communicate with our children and really look at how our careers are affecting them as well as what it is demanding from us. As mothers we are the center of their world from the minute they are born. Unfortunately, I believe working many long hours and struggling to balance home with work takes its toll on that relationship and eventually our kids will gravitate to those who can give them more time or attention or they become emotionally independent at a very early age. My kids have told me repeatedly how much they wish I could be home full-time again. They are old enough to understand I can’t now and we’ve talked at length about how things happened that put me back in the workforce but it doesn’t change the fact that our home was a happier place when I could take care of the housework as well as have the energy to take care of them, myself, my marriage and even help in the community. Now it just feels like every man/woman/child for themselves.

Thank you very much for writing about this. It’s insulting to so many hard-working women who don’t have all of their advantages to be told to suck it up and try harder……I could go on and on.

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Katrina

You asked: “My point is, I wish we would communicate with our children and really look at how our careers are affecting them as well as what it is demanding from us.”

I think this is a good question, and you’re brave to ask it, Tammy, because it’s a controversial one.

You’ll be interested to know that there was such a study, conducted by Ellen Galinsky (the “Ask the Children” study) which got right to the heart of this question. Big finding: Kids want their parents to be less stressed. Here’s a quote from an interview with Galinsky:

“The majority of adults — 56 percent — guess that their children would wish for more time together. Now, time is very important to children. But if they only had one wish — and that’s what I gave them — they would wish that their parents would be less stressed and less tired. Only 2 percent of parents guessed that their children would say that.”

More here: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/galinsky.html

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Tammy

That was a great article, Katrina. Thanks for posting it. Lots of good information from kids. I hope to read more studies like this as they are published but I really hope one day women can have the support we need at both work and home. I still find the statistics regarding maternity leave, breastfeeding, and such that you’ve posted in the past amazing. Thanks for helping to give us a voice!

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Poker Chick

Thanks for posting this and for continuing to speak up to help change our culture. Vehemently agree that we as a society will be more productive when we stop burning out our employees and get more family-friendly policies in place. I think for most of us, who work really hard, we know that working harder isn’t the answer, more is needed. We just have no clue how to get there.

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HC

Thanks for writing this, Katrina. You took the words out of my mouth. I’m also very annoyed by all the buzz around Marissa Mayer, celebrating her “annihilation” of the glass ceiling and so on.

Something that is frequently glossed over, is that every child is different and therefore, so are their needs and the potential impact of parental stress and long working hours on their well being. Any parent of a high-needs child or special-needs child would know what I’m talking about.

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