I’ve hit one of those weird rough patches. In the last two months…
- The radiator hose on our car exploded in a steaming mess while driving our daughter to a camping trip.
- The day Car #1 got back from the shop, Car #2 blew a tire.
- A week later, on my way to an important meeting, I discovered the battery had died on Car #1.
- I broke my foot. Seriously broke it. Crutches. Fiberglass cast. The works.
- A couple days ago, the brand-new tire on Car #2 got a flat.
Perhaps I’m paying off a karmic debt to the Transportation Gods. We keep our cars in good condition, and I try not to trip on stairs, but sometimes, despite my best intentions, I trip, the car breaks down…
I remember a friend — single mom of a 2- and 4-year old — being distraught after her boss chastised her for accidentally dropping her keys (with fob) in a puddle. I don’t remember the specifics, but for some reason she was unable to use the car for a couple days. She asked permission to work from home. Luckily, she had the kind of job one could do at home, but unfortunately, her boss was a big believer in Face Time. He suggested she rent a car. She tried to explain that she couldn’t afford a rental car.
“Well, I guess you’ll never make that mistake again,” he said, as if all mistakes can be prevented if one just applies oneself. This was a man who had a stay-at-home wife to run his errands, tend to his sick children, and get his car repaired during work hours on his behalf. In other words, he had someone to cover for most of the unplanned events that might prevent one from coming into the office.
One thing I like about being self-employed is that I don’t have to deal with a smug, delusional boss.
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A few years ago, when I still had a full-time job, Brian and I made an elaborate schedule in a desperate, but methodical, attempt to get control of our lives.
We divided a spreadsheet into 30-minute increments and specified in fastidious detail every child drop off and pick up, every grocery shopping trip, every weekly chore, like taking out the garbage, paying bills, and doing laundry. The spreadsheet, which we custom-made each week, included work meetings that were expected to start early or run late, occasional business trips, and professional networking events one or the other of us was obliged to attend. It included important school events—Martha’s science fair, Ruby’s kindergarten open house, Jake’s pre-school fundraiser. In an effort to stay healthy, we scheduled in time to work out, and time to see friends.
This Wonder Schedule even included time to create the next week’s schedule (two people @ 1 half-hour time slot). It was color-coded by category (work, kids, personal) and took up half the refrigerator. On paper, there was time for everything. Looking at it filled me with an odd mixture of hope (I can do it all!) and dread (Not a moment to spare!)
I know you know where this is going. The schedule, of course, did not work out. There was no way to account for sick kids, cranky clients, or flat tires. There was no give when one of us slept through the alarm, or a friend called asking for a favor. Even if we skimped on ourselves (skip the workout, stay up late re-doing the presentation) there still wasn’t enough time.
Worse than that, we weren’t enjoying our lives. Helping with the science project should have been fun, but it was just another thing we had to do. I used to enjoy cooking, now I was all about how to get nutritional calories into the mouths of my loved ones with minimal fuss. Who cared if it tasted good?
The only solution I’ve found to this dilemma is to work less. That doesn’t mean I never work long hours. But because I’m self-employed now, I space out the intense, full-time projects with lighter part-time ones. Luckily, when we hit this latest rough patch, Brian and I had both just finished an intense work sprint, and had slowed down to part time.
Here’s an idea: What if we all stopped trying to be so hyper-productive, trying to cram organized activity into every spare moment? What if we had a Rainy Day Fund of time? Several unscheduled hours each week for dealing with the inevitable unplanned stuff?
When the “rescue vehicle” arrived the other day to fix my flat, the sun was out, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I leaned back in the front seat, rested my foot (which is now in a “boot”) on the dash, and enjoyed this unexpected moment of quiet.
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How do you make time for the unplanned stuff?
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Update from Sept. 11, 2012
A few hours after this post went up, my friend Lucie sent me a copy of her current “Wonder Schedule.” She said she just hired someone to help drive her boys to after school activities because it had gotten to be too much to manage by herself. She was having trouble explaining the schedule to the new babysitter, so she created this (I’ve blocked out a few names and addresses but you get the idea):
…And then my friend, Liz (two kids ages 3 and 5), sent a photo of the schedule that’s up on her fridge:
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen, sister. Thank you for this post. Joe & I are in the midst of an intense work sprint and with the beginning of school and new bus schedules/carpools/after-school activities…we’re finding ourselves in that overwhelmed position. It was helpful to read your words at this point. Guess we won’t ask for copy of your spreadsheet but rather ponder way to decrease focus on work. Can I just say…your toes are looking cute with that nice blue polish, Katrina! Hang in there with the broken foot, mama.
Yes, back to school is right up there with the holidays and end of school year stuff for hard times of year. Hang in there, mama! Oh, and the polish is silver!
I agree that it’s vital to build a “margin” into your life. I admit that I’m not very good about this. I always manage to overbook my life – sure, I’ll be the sole caregiver for my 90-year-old grandma while I work full-time and try to start an event-planning business on the side and keep up a new marriage. Yea, that didn’t work out so well. Neither did having two preschoolers, a full-time job, housework, husband and trying to do a part-time writing/editing position on the side. That was my most recent “oopsy!” Since I dropped the writing/editing job and employed a monthly housekeeping service, life has been much mellower. I still write for my blog and pitch magazines, but it’s on my schedule now. And luckily for me, my marketing job allows me to work two days from home so I have more time with my girls. It’s hard to be a nice mom, wife, co-worker or friend when you’re stretched to the brink of your existence. Not to mention have any time to take care of yourself. Building in down time is vital.
I have found myself with a broken foot enjoying the time it took for my husband with kids to pick me up while I sat outside the orthopedist’s office on a bench just taking in the sunshine and fresh air. Just a few minutes to myself with no rush. T’was nice.
Lovely post. Glad to find your blog!
Great post! I found myself in a similar situation, rushing out the door with a crying infant in the stroller. Too much in a hurry I smashed my finger in a door, and when I saw all that blood I was about to faint. Of course, I couldn’t because the daycare was closing, my 3month old was crying and I had our only car (which meant my partner wasn’t going to be of any help). We had just moved to a new city in a new country, I didn’t speak the language well, and didn’t know the neighbours! What did I do? I sat in the kitchen crying…and then managed to get my neigbours attention and figure the whole thing out.
Right now, we have started having an au pair girl, and things are so much smoother, we even have time for a “date night” every Friday. Can you believe it??? I can only recommend it!
We never had speadsheets or anything like that, but I did feel at one point that if I was to ever be sick, the whole household would fall apart. I’m sure it wouldn’t…but I guess some delegating on my part would be healthy!
Hi Katrina,
In order to slow down and improve the quality of our lives, my husband and I re-evaluated our financial situation after his heath had severely declined during a battle with an auto-immune disease. We discovered that all my secondary income provided were, day care for kids, payment for the 2nd car and then eating out a lot due to Mom (me) being exhausted after working all day as a social worker. We sold the 2nd car and bought a solid, older model in cash and I started a small eCommerce business while staying home with the family. It was the best decision we’ve made in a long time.
I am no longer running ragged. I have time and energy to get up and walk in the mornings before getting the kids off to school. The extra income my business provides pays for the extra’s in life, like vacation and school clothes. The ability to set my own hours and have the ability to volunteer in my children’s schools is awesome. But mostly, mostly, it’s less stress. And, I’ve found bliss in having a few quiet moments every week, rather than..never. A total lack of flexibility in the workplace and grueling work loads ultimately lead me to the decision to leave the formal workplace. While the world of social work ‘talks’ big about supporting families, the reality is that the workers (primarily women) are pushed to take on more and more and it does not allow for someone with family responsibilities to live without being hyper-scheduled. No thanks.
Good for you, Jenni!
I have often observed that the happiest women I know are the ones who are self-employed. Of course, that option doesn’t work for everyone, for various reasons, but kudos to you for making it work.
I am extraordinarily lucky to have negotiated 4 days per week working from home and also to be blessed (a mixed blessing to be sure) with an under employed husband, which means he can run various errands mid week, but school starting, bills, two kids, and Murphy’s law putting all the special events on one day have me crazy stressed out right now. We decided no extracurricular activities until we see of homework and chores are actually getting done. But working till 5, picking up the baby from day care, getting dinner on the table and homework done and two kids to bed (maybe even a bath right a week our so) feels like too much. I’m trying to cope and keep breathing and knock on wood Borne of those unexpected things are happening height now
Yeah. All that and participate in social media with a phone that thinks it is smarter than me. That was supposed to be “none of those unexpected things are happening right now.” Hope I didn’t just jinx myself! Thank you Katrina for speaking to my angst!
doh! hate when my phone does that…
Great post!! Every year I tell myself to remember to take the first week of school off, but never get it done. I thought I had planned for it well enough and then my daughter fell sick…twice! Figuring out how to stay home when you have just stayed home….then my phone broke… kids waking up again at night like they are 6 months olds (what’s with that?)… I thought I was handling the unexpected well enough until I realized I was yelling way too much at the soccer game. Do I really care if the girls bunch up? Really?
The real question for me is how am I going to work less and afford to stay in our town? Is anyone else too tired and beaten to feel like even trying?
“I thought I was handling the unexpected well enough until I realized I was yelling way too much at the soccer game.”
Funny! Been there.
Re: Middle of the night wake-ups. We’re going through that again, too. I’m blaming it on the transition to Kindergarten…