“How do you do it all?”
I used to get that a lot. From other moms at my son’s preschool. From parents at the Y where my daughter took swim lessons. From coworkers at the web consulting agency where I managed a team of designers. From the editor at the publishing company that offered me a contract to write a design book. Even from my husband.
I was a 37-year-old mother of three* and somehow, my kids, my marriage, and my career were all thriving.
Then, one Saturday afternoon in the spring of 2009, while driving to Target to buy diapers, I broke down. Not my car. Me.
photo by Natasha Mileshina
I pulled over to the side of the road, my hands shaking, barely able to breathe. I called my husband and sobbed, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Thus ended my career, and thus began a journey into crippling depression, anxiety, and insomnia; medication, meditation, and therapy. As I learned to heal my body and my mind, I searched for answers to one question: What the hell happened to me?
At first, I thought there was something wrong with me. After all, I had a loving husband, a supportive boss, healthy kids, a good income. If I couldn’t manage a career and a family then how were other women doing it, women who didn’t have all those advantages?
I started talking to my friends, my relatives, my housekeeper, my doctor, my babysitter. I wanted to know how were they managing it. Guess what? They weren’t. They suffered from panic attacks and depression, heart palpitations and hives, migraines and mysterious coughs that won’t go away. Some of them took anti-depressants. Others took anti-anxiety medications. Most of them fantasized about quitting their jobs. They were barely getting by. I had no idea. Like me, they had been putting a brave face on their suffering. Like me, they all assumed there was something wrong with them.
There are dozens of self-help books telling women they can do it all—succeed in demanding careers and still be good parents, good partners, and even happy, fulfilled people. But my experience and that of the women I know tells a different story.
I decided to start this blog as a place where I could organize my thoughts and connect with others who are thinking deeply about this issue. And so, dear reader, we find ourselves here, on an auspicious day, International Women’s Day, at the beginning of what I hope will be a fruitful conversation about why raising kids in the U.S. is so ridiculously, head-achingly, heart-breakingly hard, and what we can do about it.
If you have a story about raising kids and working or watching other people do it, I want to hear about it. If you’re a researcher or a policy maker and care about this issue, let’s talk. If you have a wild or brilliant idea for how to make this better, I want to hear about that, too.
Leave your comment here, or email me privately at katrina@workingmomsbreak.com.
*NOTE: I have two kids of my own and a stepdaughter on the weekends. I never know if I should say I have two kids or three. I usually say three because there are three children I love and care for on a regular basis.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Right on! I have one kid and honestly the main reason I don’t think we’ll have a second is that it’s just too hard to care for kids and have a fulfilling career in our society. I don’t want to have to choose between a family and a career, but few very people can have both… if you also value your mental health and the occasional full night of sleep. My theory is that you can do it with one but not with two or more.
It’s hard for both parents (in equal or equal-leaning partnerships) but it’s particularly hard for women. I’m in academia, where research has shown that children are a huge liability for women in terms of career advancement (perversely, they are a career booster for men). The very structure of the academic career makes it very hard to have children if you are the main caregiver. Professors who move up the ladder are either: 1) single or 2) have a partner who is willing to put his or her career on the back burner and prioritize the kids.
A study released today, on International Women’s Day, found that women with children earn 68% of what men earn. Much of this is due to the difficulty of balancing work and family, which leads to women taking part time work, putting their career on hold, etc. This takes a toll on women’s careers.
Oops. Meant to write this as a reply…
Great points, Teresa. I just read another report recently that said the pay inequity between men and women is bad, but the inequity between mothers and non-mothers is far worse. It’s a caregiving penalty. I know several women who feel like they’re cheating on their jobs by raising kids, and have decided NOT to ask for a raise for this reason.
Also, there’s a book called “Mothers on the Fast Track” that talks specifically about the issues facing women in academia. Unfortunately, our “make it or break it” career years (30-40 yrs old) coincide with when most of us have children.
I’m so thrilled you’ve launched a blog on this topic. I’m a mom of two (15 month old and 3 year old), working 80% in the investment management software space. My husband also works 80% in a public school. So, Mondays when he’s with the kids, and Fridays when I’m with them, are relatively smooth sailing. But Tues/Wed/Thurs when we both arrive home w/ the kiddos at 5:15 and everyone’s hungry are just insane! My big “aha” is that there has to be some flexibility in the system – whether 1 or both parents work less, grandparents (my folks are in Boston & we’re in the Bay Area) or friends help out. What I’ve found recently is that while I’m not trying to fast-track my career, I feel *guilty* when I work from home 1 day/week (even when i’m kicking a** AND work most weeknights after the kids go to bed). Where’s that guilt coming from? We’re just putting one foot in front of the other and really would love to hear what infrastructure or tools or philosophies others have put into place to ease the insanity. Like, brazilian dance class!? Crock pot or pressure cooker!? Telecommuting 1 day/week? Thanks, Katrina, for beginning this dialogue!
Ah, the guilt…Yes, we’ll be talking a lot more about that.
You know the saying, “If you want to get something done, give it to a busy person”? So if you’re getting more done than most people in less time than it takes them to do it, why all this guilt? I think it has to do with work culture, and the fact that we still have this outdated idea that if someone stays late at the office, it means they’re getting more done. Doesn’t really matter if they’re checking their stocks or playing video games or what. The fact of their presence is a mark of their dedication to the company.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I am trying to be OK with working only part-time and picking my son up & playdating in the afternoons. But the truth is, I guilt myself on two fronts: 1) Why can’t I be a more committed mother and plan awesome, enriching after-school activities: and; 2) Why can’t I do more to excel at my part-time business?
I feel like I am giving a lot to each part of my life but not enough to be truly successful at either. My partner, on the other hand, works all day and brings home the bigger paycheck and WISHES she could be in my shoes.
feeling down today….
I think the hardest part is convincing women that it is not a “personal” problem, but a really out of control societal problem. I see this as one of the biggest challenges to solving this whole mystery. It’s something that I wrestle with daily. Katrina, thanks for putting this out there on the table for everyone to consider.
Right. There’s a whole school of theory about situationists vs. dispositionists. I can see your eyes glazing over…
In other words, when things go wrong, some of us have a tendency to say the situation caused the problem, while others of us have a tendency to blame individuals who caused the problem.
My uncle Peter could explain this much better than I’m doing right now. But in essence, what I’m saying is many of us look at the stressed out working mom and say “She needs to chill out!” or “She needs to learn to take deep breaths” or whatever, rather than looking at her situation–she has 48 hours worth of stuff she has to do in a 24 hour day.
Hmmm…this sounds like a blog post.
This is an important subject. It is truly a wonder how life can catch up with you when you were doing everything just right. Sometimes the spirit is willing but the the body is weak. Sometimes the spirit breaks.
That applies to both men and women. Thank you for focusing on this issue.
Hi Katrina,
Good discussion starter. What a far way we’ve come since having our first, huh?
I’m still working and having those panicked moments you mention; despite having a great support system including the world’s best husband (sorry ladies – he is the best); 2 healthy & sweet boys, and even a fabulous mom-in-law who lives with us.
Are we taught to strive for ‘it all’ and then to have some sort of breakdown and tell everyone professionally to shove it? What if we want to keep trying professionally, and personally?
Katrina,
Thank you for your honesty, compassion and passion! My heart aches reading this as I am in the midst of trying to do it all. Moments when I feel successful are like a drug high, and I want more of that stuff and forget to ask the cost. Moments when I feel like I am not successful, I have to keep the demons of self-hate at bay. I rarely have the clarity to realize I am attempting the impossible and the solution requires crafting a new life for myself that doesn’t buy the perfectionist-do-it-all-myself model. Would love to read about and hear from other single moms and dads!
Yes, single moms and dads, please chime in!
Katrina,
I’m not a mom but your voice echos what I hear from many working-mom friends that I’m going to pass this onto — many of them are in the UK but your points resonate with what they are saying, too.
Great blog, Katrina. So glad you started it. I grapple every day with the internal conflict of what it means to want both professional success and more time with my child. For my son’s first year and a half, I worked 50 hours a week, hating life, missing him. I’m now working 3 days a week on what many would see as an ideal schedule, and it’s still not enough time with my son. At the same time, I am fantasizing/being terrorized every day about the idea being home full time Now I’m 8 months pregnant with baby #2 and still facing all of the same anxieties, insecurities and fears about being a parent and a professional. It’s hard!
Katrina, Thanks for the thoughts and sharing. There is a wide range of insanity in being a parent in our times. It’s worth the discussion and conceiving of all the different ways we can do this.
This is so ‘me’ right now I’m embarassed to admit it. Lately I’m beset with one or another physical ailment and/or emotional problem practically every day. I’ve missed so much work that my manager suggested giving me ‘a gallon-container of hand sanitizer.’ Of course that wouldn’t help with the muscle spasms in my back or the insomnia or the guilt of disappointing her, my clients, and above all my children. Katrina, it is SO VALIDATING to read your description of the “psychic burden” that a mom bears, even with a fully-involved partner on board. Thank you for writing so honestly about your experiences.
Thank you, Ros. I think it’s so important that we’re honest about the toll this stuff takes. Otherwise, we think we’re crazy, which just makes the whole thing that much more unbearable. We’re not crazy. Expecting women to do everything in a 24/7 work culture and not break under the weight is what’s crazy.
Hi Katrina, I am so glad you are doing this. I’m definitely coming back for more discussion, but can’t linger at the moment because I promised myself I’d turn OFF the computer at 10 p.m. and sleep!
Katrina – it’s great to see this blog. I’m spreading the word!
I just stumbled across this blog and am so glad to read it. I have known since I was pregnant that I could not work full time and raise my child. I know there are people who can and I think that’s fine, but I want to be the primary caretaker of my child. My husband is underemployed and we’re both working part time and caring for our daughter. We have the huge luxury of working from home, but we are barely making ends meet. It angers me that, as mothers, our options are to have a wealthy partner who works while we care for our children, to work full-time ourselves and pay someone else to care for our children, or to cobble together a self-made solution that will often mean we struggle financially. I don’t know what the solution is, but I imagine there has to be a better option.
Well said, Meagan.
hi katrina,
i’ve worked just off and on,also was fortunate to have my mom -in-law with me so raising my girls was hardly any pressure.but i do admire women who are able to manage home n work all by themselves.i do have my thoughts on that…..and will be glad if you visit my blog.doing anything against nature surely has its demerits too.all cannot be super-women right!
OMG Thank you. I just stumbled on your story and your site. In fact, not long ago, I left my job. My very good, actually not too difficult, good for rubbing elbows, nice benefits, chances to travel, they let me work from home when we moved job. Why? something had to give.
When my daughter turned one, my wife went back to work after taking the year off to get our daughter off to a good start. I had been doing interactive design from home, which worked out great in that first year. I have precious video of us from that euphoric time. When my wife went back to work, she went into aggressive “career” mode, and I became part-time, because as you discovered, it’s extremely difficult to give the love every child needs, while meeting the demands of American work life.
I went through many of the same struggles that women go through, the same bouts of anxiety and depression, medication, and then the medication causing more problems. Antidepressants made me feel really weird, and getting off them created incredible anxiety. I just recently weened myself off Ambien after being dependent on it for two years.
So yes, I’ve been there in a slightly different way–in my case, it was more struggling with the expectations of being a traditional male breadwinner in a situation where I had taken on the role of stay at home dad and part time worker. I think I would have been fine with that perception, except that my wife was not supportive at all. She failed to recognize that the contribution I was making gave her the flexibility to go on business trips and work late and allow her career to take off. Ironically, she seemed to embrace the old male perspective of entitlement in being the “provider” and didn’t see equal value in our switched roles.
So my daughter is nine and I’m putting my life back together, now that I understand what was happening to me. Thanks for sharing your experiences! I look forward to hearing about how you strike a balance and where life takes you..
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