People keep telling me how brave I am to write about my nervous breakdown on this blog. I don’t feel brave. Actually I’m quite sensitive and I worry about what other people think. It helps that more than 100 women and men, parents and non-parents, have sent emails or written comments on the blog about their own struggles to live a meaningful life in the face of work demands that can be all consuming. Yet, the occasional negative comment can get right under my skin.
One of my stories made its way into the Peaceful Revolution column on the Huffington Post. (If you haven’t read it, the story was about how my dealings with the medical system seemed to make my problems worse.)
Scanning the anonymous comments on a Huffington Post story you’ve written is akin to sticking your bare foot in a swamp full of crocodiles. My husband warned me not to look.
“That’s the real Internet, honey. It’s nasty!”
But curiosity compelled me.
It didn’t take long to see what he meant. The second comment was from “IrishMale”:
It’s difficult for me to see the author as anything but a victim of her own choices. Balancing a career and two young children is difficult, absolutely. So if you can’t hack it, don’t work or don’t have kids. Did someone force her to be in this position?
This was from “Bethab” in response to “IrishMale”:
I have to agree with you (and I’m a woman…for those of you who believe that IrishMale only feels this way because he is a man!). These are the choices she made. No one forced the author to have children and a job and I’m unwilling to accept the idea that she didn’t know how difficult it would be before she and her husband made that choice. It IS a choice…we need to stop pretending that it isn’t. I’m just waiting for the “It Takes a Village” arguments to come out here…
Those of us who have chosen not to have children already put money through our taxes into other people’s children in a myriad of ways (which is the way it has to be…I’m not complaining about that) and have to pick up the slack in a hundred different ways for parents who can’t work for a million different reasons on any given day (I am complaining about this as it seems to be against the law to compensate us for our extra effort and time in the form of increased salaries or promotions). Please don’t tell me we also have to help parents because of how overwhelming parenting is. I understand how overwhelming it is which is why I choose not to do it…I’m not interested in helping anyone else do it anymore than I already am…
Well, then.
Most of the comments were much kinder, of course. But I want to talk about these two, for a reason that has nothing to do with hurt feelings. Both writers are expressing sentiments I think many parents have felt but rarely heard articulated. It’s that look you get when you leave early for a parent-teacher conference, or the silence on the other end of the phone when you call in sick, again, because your daughter has strep.
These comments are a reminder about why it’s so important to talk and write about these issues. When we don’t address them head on, they have a way of slithering into our subconscious. So let’s shine a little light on this swamp.
“The author is a victim of her own choices…”
Working mothers are not crackheads. Having children is not just another lifestyle choice. If we want to keep this little human experiment going, then we need a sizable chunk of the population to keep having children.
In today’s economy, two working parents is often an economic necessity. However, most workplaces are still designed for people who don’t take care of children. Which would explain why most working mothers (90% according to the research), suffer from issues around work-family conflict. Sure, not everyone burns out like I did, although you’d be surprised by how many do. The problem isn’t even limited to mothers anymore–dads now report higher work-family conflict than moms (95%).
We all not “victims” of our own choices. The workplace is not in sync with the realities of raising children in the 21st century.
Why should I have to “pick up the slack” for working parents?
It’s true that parents tend to have more constraints on their time than non-parents. This is also true of the tens of millions of workers caring for elderly parents or a loved one who is ill. However, I have never seen study or statistic that says we are less productive.
Working moms are the most hyper-productive people I know. They don’t waste time in office politics and chit-chat. That’s a luxury for people who don’t have to be at daycare before it closes at six.
Non-parents should be compensated for our “extra effort and time”
I guess Bethab hasn’t heard about pay inequity between mothers and non-mothers, which is far worse than the pay gap between women and men. (Women without children make 9% less than their male counterparts; mothers make a whopping 27% less.)
This comment makes me particularly mad because I know several women (mothers) who would admit that they’re being underpaid for their work. They feel so lucky to have a job that gives them a little flexibility that they’re afraid to ask for what they’re worth. Their guilt helps keep that pay gap yawning wide open.
What would happen if every mother with children under six dropped out of the workforce? We’re talking about millions and millions of talented, motivated, experienced employees. Our employers need us just as much as we need them.
Why should I have to pay taxes for your children?
I’m glad you asked. Because my children are your future.
Think about this for a moment. Who is going to be paying taxes when our generation retires? Who is going to care for our generation when we’re old and infirm? Who is going to be inventing the next generation of technology that could save us from global warming, or cure cancer, or solve the water crisis? Is it really in our best interest to say every man (and woman, and child, and parent) for themselves?
Valerie Young said this so well in a recent article on momsrising.org:
As a nation, we should face facts and admit that we desperately need women to have children, and mothers and fathers to raise and provide for them. These children will drive the economy, extend the boundaries of achievement and knowledge, defend and protect us, and run our country…Hiding behind “lifestyle choices” to avoid our collective responsibility to parents and children, regardless of what individual choices we may make, is shortsighted, and carries far-reaching costs.
These every-man-for-himself arguments remind me of my 3-year-old son who says, “No! I can do it myself!” every time I buckle him into his car seat. He also thinks he is a triceratops.
It’s nice to think we are each invincible, all powerful. But we’re not. We’re mammals–soft, slow, and not very fierce ones at that. Social creatures who travel in packs for security. We weren’t designed to go it alone, and while I agree individual responsibility is vitally important, there are some things we can’t do all by ourselves. That’s why we have a government. That’s why we have Medicare and Social Security and public schools and libraries. Because at one time or another, each one of us needs a little help. Our success depends on each other.
When we don’t look at these arguments for what they are, we are in danger of internalizing them. They start to feel true. Which means we’re less likely to ask for flexibility at work, or demand the raise that we’re earned, or vote for social programs that benefit families. And that really gets under my skin.
A slightly less angry version of this story was published on the Huffington Post.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
This was an awesome, well written, well constructed email. It was a bit of an eye-opener for me as well- I am so deep in mommy-culture that I forget that there are people who could be so removed from, even, gasp!, opposed to parenting! All of my friends are parents and grandparents, all of the activities I do any where and every where I do with my children, I am surrounded by understanding people going through the same harrowing, exciting, nerve-wracking, fulfilling experience of parenting.
I would also like to point out that the idea of “my children are your future” extends to all children, and for parents to be reminded that all children are the future, not just our own. I believe that positive interaction, encouragement, and inclusion of children with less than “desirable” behavior/backgrounds really will make a difference for us all in the future.
Thanks as always for getting my thoughts to percolate!
Halleluia! Preach it, Sister.
(Where is the emoticon for hand waving and foot stomping!)
Hmm-mmmm.
Damn! That’s a good way to start the day after cleaning up kid puke from the cushions of a 12 year old Civic. Boss is at the office alone with one close to retirement colleague away for a month’s vacation, the other on bereavement leave and me on the barf brigade. He is only sympathetic and appreciative. Bless his childless soul. I am thankful so for him.
Being part of a family is good practice for being part of a society. We all have to look out for ourselves as individuals or the system collapses — AND we have to look out for the system to take care of the individuals lest they collapse. That’s how a family works. That’s how our society should work.
Anyone up for the third round of baking soda on the cushions this afternoon? Anyone?
Thank you for this. Sadly, as you well know, the world is FULL of Bethabs and IrishMales. May I quote you next time I’m confronted with one of them?
In my travels through the blogosphere, I ran across a comment to a discussion about the work/life balance (or lack there of) which asked the question “what is our economy for anyway?” I wish I would have bookmarked it because I thought it was a brilliant, elegant way to think about the issue. We have come to accept that the goal of our economy is growth, wealth creation, reinforcing our status as a powerful nation, etc. But really isn’t the purpose of our economy – every economy – to help us be human? Isn’t perpetuating our species the most human thing we do? That, after all, is the reason we exist – just like every other species. The most human thing we do is bear and raise children. We happen to belong to a species that has developed many extra curricular activities, and our lives are richer for most of them. But the bottom line is, we are here – all of us, even those who choose not to be parents – to bring the next generation safely into its own. (“Safely” in my mind, includes protecting the planet for future generations.)
It seems to me we have lost track of that. Now the economy, in and of itself, is the thing we nurture, protect and grow. It is no longer a tool to help us express our fundamental humanness, but a means to create wealth. Ironically children and the environment, the very things we need to perpetuate the species, are a hindrance to wealth creation (except to the extent that they fit into marketing plans). We can’t stop raping the environment because it might hurt the economy. We can’t afford to protect the interests of families because it will hurt the economy. Those who care for children, either parents or paid care providers, are among the most economically abused in our system.
The other day NPR’s Marketplace Money featured an interview with Juliet Schor, who authored the book Plenitude: The New Economics of True Wealth. http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/05/21/pm-step-back-and-explore-the-plenitude/ The book is apparently about living simpler, more sustainable and ultimately happier lives. I’ve just ordered the book myself. I’d be curious to know if you’ve read it Katrina, and to hear what you think.
Oh, I love when people quote stuff from my blog. Yes, have at it!
I haven’t read Juliet Schor’s book yet, but I’d love to hear what you think of it.
I think the “what’s the economy for” might have come from this post where I quoted Shannon Hayes’ in her inspiring book “Radical Homemakers” (I also cross-posted on momsrising)
“What’s an economy for? Isn’t it supposed to serve everyone? Are families really served by an economy where employees are overworked, where families do not have time to eat meals together, an economy that relentlessly gnaws at our dwindling ecological resources?”
http://www.workingmomsbreak.com/2010/03/12/bring-on-the-radical-homemakers/
LOL Too funny! I should have known I read it hear! I do read other blogs – honest. “Radical Homemakers” is on my shortlist of books to read – very much looking forward to it. I’ll tell you how “Plenitude” turns out.
You’re doing a great job Katrina – keep speaking the truth.
Important messages always generate criticisms. Hang in there!
Good points Katrina. I just want to mention that life if no less complicated for us with a 6 or 16 year old than it was in the earlier years, so perhaps we should imagine all parents dropping out the workforce, not just those with under sixes. HOWEVER, work can feel like respite from children, so I’d rather not go there. Not to mention the bills… And I think my employer would be at quite a loss if we all walked out.
Herd feelings- I like that!
Just putting it out there, I always wanted to be a mom and have a family, but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you’d like it. And it’s a real drag when you get sidelined with “friends” because “you’re not a parent”. That said, I enjoyed your article. 😉
I could not agree more with you Katrina! Having thoughtful responses to these anti-village approach people is very helpful. Often times I think people just haven’t really thought through these issues. I know at one point I had not.
About a year before I got pregnant with my first child, a co-worker gave birth to her first child. My team was made up of about 12 young women – and she was the first to become a mom. After she returned from maternity leave (brief leave from work after a c-section delivery) her work style changed considerably. She was often late, and had to leave early and she was tired and distracted. I remember thinking (NOT SAYING OUT LOUD THANK GOODNESS) “if she can’t do the job, she should quit. She wanted to have a baby!” I am ashamed to admit this, but I just didn’t get it. Furthermore, she was doing her job. She was doing it from home – suffering. Fortunately, my amazing boss knew how to support a new mother and made it possible for this woman to continue working. I am just grateful I know when to keep my mouth shut and watch and learn.
Thank you for posting this blog. In law school, I was involved with an effort to get child care on campus. A small number of vocal students opposed the effort for the same reasons you quoted above. At the time, I didn’t have children, but was shocked that people were so blatantly anti-parent. Ironically, I think I spoke more powerfully for parenting rights then. Since becoming a parent and dealing with the work-life balance dilemma, I feel less secure when combating those types of statements. The worst for me is when other women say things along the lines of “don’t become a mother if you don’t want the responsibility.” I don’t feel like the amount of responsibility we are expected to take on as mothers and workers is fair, and choosing not to become a parent seems like a very drastic alternative. Anyway, I’m grateful that you responded to those sentiments in such a clear-headed manner because I often feel muddled, overwhelmed and just sad when responding to similar comments.
This was an awesome post – thanks for weathering the onslaught of negative posts.
I think the best thing about it is that the comments you quoted were not vitriolic or unreasonable. They represent what a lot of reasonable people feel, and in fact they’re not too far off from feelings I’ve internalized without being fully aware of it.
As a working mother, I do often feel like I have to take care of everything myself without expecting any support, because I made this “lifestyle choice”. This is heightened by the fact that I can see an alternative – I choose to work because I want to be able to afford a mortgage on a decent house in my hometown, and also because I find work intellectually stimulating and really enjoy it. We could live somewhere else where we could afford to live on one income, but I know I would be frustrated and unhappy.
Fortunately I work for a startup where a lot of my coworkers have young children, and they’re supportive of flexible schedules and working from home. (Not to mention I have a husband who is very supportive of my career, and also very helpful at home.) Still, I do feel like I have to stretch myself thin at times, and that it’s up to me to figure it out because I brought this on myself.
So thanks again for reminding me that’s not true, and thanks also to Meagan for the great insight – “I don’t feel like the amount of responsibility we are expected to take on as mothers and workers is fair, and choosing not to become a parent seems like a very drastic alternative.” Amen. No one should be told they shouldn’t choose to be a parent just because it’s too hard.
As a full-time working mother of two children under five and a caretaker of a parent with cancer, I am definitely overwhelmed with responsibilities from time-to-time. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this.
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