Last week I attended my first BlogHer conference, in San Diego.
It was a trip. Thousands of women in cute summer dresses and shimmering lip gloss descended on the convention center ready to learn and network and maybe even pick up a new product sponsor. (Something about big groups of women makes me self-conscious about the fact that I never wear lipstick, and I really need to do something about my hair.)
There were women of all ages, faiths, and political beliefs. Most of the women I met are moms (or grandmothers), and many of them, it seemed, started blogging after they had kids, as a way to feel less isolated. A lot of them had quit their jobs (for the same reasons many of us quit our jobs). They saw blogging as a way to make a little cash and still be home with their families. Many of the women I met dreamed of their blogs going big so they could live off the advertising income and never have to work another crappy job again. (Some of them already have made it big, but I kept thinking most of them could make more money as copywriters instead of writing sponsored blog posts for $50 a pop.)
Dozens of product sponsors tried to woo us, and I made off with a fat bag of free mints, body products, toys for the kids. And yes, Tupperware.
Like every conference everywhere, there was a lot of happy talk (Go bloggers! Go BlogHer! Go women! Go products!), but also this undercurrent of anguish about not being able to do it all: be a good mother, a good partner, and a good worker/blogger. Every time the topic popped to the surface, the discussion quickly devolved into a pep rally about how women need to change their attitudes.
In one typical session, a panel of women—all leaders in publishing—were asked to talk about “Redefining Success.” Again, with the happy talk.
“Tell yourself you’re doing your best!”
“Your kids don’t need you as much as you think they do!”
“If you don’t want to work, then don’t! You can always come back later…”
That last point really got under my skin. Because it’s not true. Studies show when women take a few years off to be with their children, it’s damnably hard to get back into their careers. [1] Which is one of many factors going into the pay gap between mothers and men.
In fact, the whole conversation was disappointing to me. Sure, we all need to examine our attitudes and make the best of our individual situations. But it’s not a coincidence that so many of us make ourselves sick trying to work and raise a family. Considering that study after study shows America is uniquely hostile to working families, saying we just need to change our attitudes is disempowering, and reveals a void of creative thinking.
There was zero discussion about the structural problems that leave working parents and stay-at-home parents feeling overworked, isolated, and unsupported. The traditional path to career “success” is to work long hours and take no time off. This doesn’t work for most mothers (and many fathers). Which is why so few women make it into leadership roles in any industry.
When it was time for questions, I asked the panel to tell us what they were doing as leaders to “Redefine Success.” And, because I didn’t want to put them on the spot, I said maybe they could tell us what other people did for them, to help them get where they are.
A bunch of people in the audience applauded when I was done. Apparently, I had struck a nerve. Then the conversation on stage went back to the usual.
“It’s not going to change in our generation.”
“The next generation will have to fix this.”
“We can’t expect companies to help us when the recession is killing everyone.”
What I would have said, if I still had the mic, is that it’s a cop-out to say this is the next generation’s problem, and the last comment is patently untrue. Companies with more women make higher profits, and companies that employ some type of “custom-fit” work practices see a benefit in their bottom line.
But I’m glad I spoke up, because for the rest of the conference, women kept stopping me and saying “Are you the one who asked that great question…?” My 30 seconds of fame.
I learned a lot at BlogHer, and met some wonderful people, but I hope next year’s conference will deal more honestly with how to connect your personal story to issues we all face. Until we see that connection, nothing is going to change.
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At the conference, I met up with several like-minded souls. I recommend you see what they have to say:
Women changing the world
International Museum of Women. At one of the lunches, Krista Walton told me about an online exhibition she’s helping plan about motherhood. It sounds very cool. Want to submit something? See the full call for submissions.
Women Donors Network. Progressive women putting their money where their mouth is. Looking forward to learning more about what they’re up to.
MomsRising. I blog for them, but had never met the charming Anita Jackson and Ashley Boyd face-to-face, so that was fun. Ashley and I snuck away to the exhibit hall and compared conference notes while we luxuriated in free foot massages.
Fellow Oaklander, Aspen Baker, runs Exhale, an after-abortion counseling talkline. I’ve never heard of such a thing, but what a smart idea. (Call Exhale to talk freely about your experience with abortion. 1-866-4 EXHALE)
Women who will make you laugh
Nancy Davis Kho of Midlife Mixtape and I had only met once before we ended up sharing a hotel room at the conference. She was an excellent roommate. I would go anywhere with that lady. She’s wicked funny and sweet, listens patiently to my rants, dances a mean dougie, and doesn’t keep the light on too late. She also gave a wonderful reading on open mic night about being a concert “cougar”.
Shared a table on open mic night with the very witty “modern day housewife superhero,” Kristen McClusky of Motherload. Planning a trip? See her tips about the dangers of traveling cross-country with young children.
Yuliya from She Suggests had the best business cards at the entire conference, featuring her original photography, and she didn’t take it personally when I shushed her during a session. This is her funny recap of the conference.
Women with advice to share
Authors Melissa Ford, of Stirrup Queens, and Carleen Brice gave a lot of great advice about publishing for wannabe book authors. Melissa gives a lot of this information away for free on her site.
I met Linda Kazares of Divorcettes on a BlogHer “speed date.” Her site looks like a great resource for anyone going through a divorce.
Rookie Moms, Heather and Whitney are also the geniuses behind this wonderful local resource: 510Families.
Elisa Bautista of Mothertalkers is a joy to talk with about everything from progressive issues to pop culture, and she gave good advice on a panel about building community.
The Wise Latina Club. Also known as the alter-ego of Viviana Hurtado, challenging stereotypes about Latinas.
Chrysula Winegar is a fellow MomsRising blogger who coaches people on work-life issues.
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I’m working more lately, which means I have less time to write. If you want to stay in touch with the blog but don’t know when to check it, I hope you will do one (or more) of the following:
- Subscribe by email
When there’s a new post, you’ll get it in your email. Lately I’ve been posting every 1-2 weeks. - “Like” me on Facebook
You’ll see new blog posts in your news feed. - Follow me on Twitter
Warning: BlogHer made me face the truth. I’m a lame, lazy tweeter, so don’t expect a lot of action there.
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[1] From this 2006 Slate article: “A recent study found that a full 93 percent of ‘highly qualified’ women who have opted out want to find a way back in and can’t.”
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
What’s more important, career success or doing the right thing for your family? I know plenty of families where both spouse have put family first because it is more important for them to see to it that they raise their children instead of daycare than it was for them to have a super comfortable retirement, or a bigger house, etc. For those families, the Dad doesn’t work overly long hours just to succeed, and oftentimes the Mom doesn’t work outside the home at all because they’re at home. They don’t see it as interfering with their own personal fulfilment, or if they do they don’t care, because for them family, especially their relationship with their spouse and the raising and educating of their children, is the most important thing.
It’s all about priorities, and I think it needs to be mentioned that some people prioritize wrong.
“It’s all about priorities, and I think it needs to be mentioned that some people prioritize wrong.”
Hmmm. OK, fair enough. But I think it also needs to be mentioned that when you’re left with only black and white choices (stay at home full time or work insane hours outside the home) it’s hard to “prioritize.”
I also want to say that personally, I think I would be a crappy mom if I stayed at home full time. Some women are really good at this and feel fulfilled doing this, but I’m not one of them. I need to work–I need it for my self esteem, and for my sense of financial independence. I’m a better mother when I’m happy in my work life (which means, for me, not working long hours every day).
Fair enough. I’ll only say that even if a choice truly is between black and white, it is still a choice and we still must choose one.
I enjoy your blog. Thank you for writing it. I work out of the house full time and my husband stays home full time with our two children. I know that this is a growing trend. Do you know of any blogs or sites that are dedicated to this situation, written preferably from the mom’s perspective? I think it comes with some of it’s own unique challenges/benefits and I’d like to connect with others.
Thanks, Alison. I wish I knew of sites about this, but I don’t. You might have more luck finding one from the stay-at-home dad perspective, than from the mom who works f/t perspective. But if you have questions you’d like to share with other readers, feel free to send me an email and we can talk about working them into a future blog post.
I am still kicking myself for missing the session when you threw the question grenade, but enough people were talking about it afterward that I know you struck a nerve. Thanks for refusing to let important things be brushed under the rug.
As for rooming with you, well, right back at you. We even had coffee compatibility. Next year in New York!
What a juicy wrapup–and so many great bloggers to check out. So glad you had a good time and a virtual hug/pat on the back for calling those big shot publishing types on their rhetoric.
Today was not the best day, as my early morning pre-alarm wake-up (toddler diarrhea) followed a long night with the newborn and preceded a tense and uncomfortable meeting at work. A long drowsy afternoon followed, but my wonderful wife rescued me with mysterious package… what could it be? who was it from? I don’t have any friends named Zazzle…
to my great glee, it was the much-coveted WORKING MOMS BREAK COFFEE MUG! HURRAH! tomorrow this working dad is going to be drinking out of his working moms mug. Thanks! (ps, that last sentence sounds kind of dirty, but it’s not. i washed the mug.)
🙂 It is nice to get a surprise package in the mail, isn’t it? But you earned it by writing the winning chant!
Consider this a limited addition mug (the only other person who will ever own one is me). I just got mine in the mail, and vowed to find a real designer to design one before I order any more.
So, we’re like, Mug-buddies? Sweet.
The big secret that I don’t feel is discussed nearly enough is just how hard top bloggers must work to grown their brands. I’m just starting my climb up the ladder, staying awake till midnight or later doing the enormous amount of learning it takes to run a good site. I cannot imagine doing this almost every night & still having the energy to nurse, chase toddlers the next day.
Social media is great but how do you climb to the top in a medium where you always need to be “on” yet leave enough time to nurture family & yourself?
Thank you so much for daring to ask the question & begin a conversation that is long overdue!
Thanks for chiming in with that, geekbabe. It’s true. The people who I know who are really making a living as bloggers live and breathe it 24 hours a day. It could be wonderful for some, but I think for many it becomes oppressive.
Hear hear! We need to get behind those working on focusing on changing the structural issues (or start working on them ourselves) and not just keep thinking its us (all those crazy if we only were better at X, Y, Z statements or just adjust your attitude and it will fix everything garbage).