Working parents have a lot to juggle, and this can create stress. But what we often overlook is that stress has real health consequences.
Several weeks ago, I put together a survey* asking working parents about stress and its effects on their health. More than 600 people responded. I filtered out respondents who lived in a household with at least one stay-at-home adult, which left 560 respondents in households where all adults work. Their answers were alarming:
- 80% catch up on work nights and weekends
- 81% worry they will burn out
- 88% said they suffer from at least one stress-related health problem since becoming a working parent
- 59% have problems with anxiety
- 43% struggle with depression
Can you say “public health crisis”?
Moreover, what these numbers don’t show, but what any stressed out parent will tell you, is that once the health effects of stress are felt, everything gets that much harder to manage. That’s when some of us start circling the drain.
Interestingly, most parents (82%) said their employers offered at least one family-friendly perk, such as flexible scheduling. But it seems clear that this is not enough to keep stress at bay for most.
When asked to choose one thing that would make their lives easier as a working parent, there was no one-size-fits-all answer. About a quarter selected “More help with chores/kids” and another quarter answered “Good part time option.” Detailed responses are below.
But before you dive into the details, here’s what I think we all need to understand. Most jobs are made for people who have no caregiving responsibilities. That means that most parents (or people caring for elderly or sick loved ones) do most of the accommodating. The results of this survey imply that for many of us, the price we pay is our health.
Hundreds of parents left comments at the end of the survey. One summarized the problem this way:
“Unfortunately, we’re living in a “half-changed world” – women have many more professional opportunities than did the last generation, but our importance as mothers and wives and to ourselves has not been taken into account, and there are increasing demands from our jobs…We all need to redefine work/success/”doing it all” so that our daughters will not face these same dilemmas.”
Who took the survey
- Most people who took the survey are moms. (96%)
- Most live in the U.S., although a handful of responses came from other countries. (Big wave to our friends in Canada, the UK, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, France, Italy, India, and Guatemala!)
- Most have 1-2 children, and roughly half have at least one child under the age of three. (Standing ovation for the six respondents who have 4 or more children and somehow manage to work outside the home.)
- 75% work full time.**
- 8% are single parents.
- Of those who have a live-in partner, 81% of their partners work full time.
- Almost everyone works because they need the income (91%) but that’s not the only reason they work. More than half said that, despite the juggling act, they enjoy working.
How bad is it?
To be clear, not everyone is profoundly stressed. About 20% of people said they do not worry about burning out. Also, about 20% work less than 32 hours per week. Is this the same 20%? I don’t know—the survey tool I’m using won’t tell us. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a correlation. This is what one parent said about her schedule:
“I feel SO incredibly lucky to be able to go part time (4 days/week 32 hours)–just that one day helps so much, and part time work in my field is rare.”
When I asked people to rate their overall level of stress on a scale of 1-5 (1 being “very little,” 5 being “extreme”), the average answer was 3.4. Detailed responses below. (Click image to enlarge.)
While some people seem to be balancing things pretty well, the overwhelming feedback was that most people simply have too much to do, and this creates all sorts of problems, including health problems. A whopping 491 people out of 560 (88%) reported at least one health problem they’ve experienced since becoming a working parent. You could argue that these are not all a direct result of working parent stress. However, it’s hard to say that stress and lack of time to take care of ourselves isn’t a factor.
Here’s the detailed breakdown of health problems working parents reported. (Click image to enlarge.)
Note: Parents were allowed to select more than one response. The number 491 refers to the total number of people who checked at least one of the above options, if not more than one.
“Other” responses included these:
- bronchitis, asthma
- Mood Swings
- If I think about it I feel trapped, so I don’t think about it…
- hip issues from long commute
- husband developed a chronic illness/ We both feel much older.
- I have no time to exercise
- heart arrythmia
- arthritis
- lack of sleep
- Anger, but I’m not sure who I’m angry with
- back problems (probably from lifting the “little” ones)
- Not sure if it would classify as a health problem, but I definitely have anxiety. And I’m tired. Real tired.
- Sleep-deprivation
- Ok, that was just scary to see – every option checked…
- I tend to get sick and snippy around deadline time.
- Ulcers
- always tired
- Asthma, joint problems, etc.
- Two operations and general aches and pains, partly from stress, not eating well, and not exercising enough
- I wake up coughing, and end up throwing up or dry heaving
- Haven’t gained, but can’t lose weight b/c I have no time to work out. Also, back issues.
- I do not sleep enough – maybe only 5-6 hours a night.
- Stress manifesting in my body, seeing a chiro
- neck and back pain
- regular headaches
- occasional fatigue due to insomnia
- fatigue
- Back pain
- Guilt, Frustration, sadness, but not to the point of depression
- thyroid, high cholesterol, low energy level, low vitamin D
- high blood pressure
- I am sick every 4-5 weeks. Recently, when I am sick it takes a month to get better. I’m not kidding.
What are employers doing to help?
When I asked people if they had any “family-friendly” perks, a whopping 82% said they had at least one. That surprised me, to be honest. If so many employers offer these perks for balancing work and family, why is stress so out of control?
“I’m extremely lucky that my husband is hands-on and does his part, and that my employer gives me a lot of leeway, but I still can’t do it all.”
Here is a breakdown of responses to this question: (Click image to enlarge)
Note: The number 464 refers to the total number of people who checked at least one of the above options, if not more than one.
Of those who answered “Other,” perks included things like this being able to “work from home on occasion,” “summers off,” or being able to bring infants to work for the first six months.
The most common perk was “flexible hours.” Having a flexible schedule is critical for many parents, who need to be able to pick up their kids at a certain time. But it often means catching up on work nights and/or weekends (80% said they do this occasionally or often). So for many, “flexible hours” isn’t enough. They need to work fewer hours.
“I always feel like I’m about to collapse. Since I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted – the kids are just irritants, and so is the job. Every day is a giant struggle, and all I can see, for years and years ahead, is more of the same…[It] would make a HUGE difference…if we could just work fewer hours, or commute less…”
“I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a part time option, but it is not realistic or offered in the work that I do (film editor)…”
Several people said the recession was a big part of their stress:
“The nail in the coffin for parents these days is the added whammy of the recession and the cutbacks in staff in so many workplaces…Even if one can leave at a normal hour, the intensity of the day and the pressure of conflicting priorities leave me in a constant state of fight-or-flight…”
“My job, (probably like a lot of people’s) has gotten much more demanding in the past 5 years, which makes working more stressful, and our anxiety about money makes changing jobs more difficult.”
Some people said their workplace perks were more talk than reality:
“My employer does offer flexible hours and working from home but the demands of the job mean I still work long hours with frequent travel.”
“While my company “officially” offers job shares and part-time schedules, getting my manager/department heads to agree to it is impossible, and I don’t know anyone who is able to use the option in our department. If I could working 20-25 hours/week, most of my problems would be solved – really. It just isn’t an option for me and most other professionals. Even if it were, I would be thrown further on to the “mommy track”. I work from home full time, so am already seen as an outsider at my company, although I have been with the company longer than almost anyone in my dept. Working part time would likely be career suicide at this company.”
In some cases, parents seemed to be asking for a culture shift more than anything else.
“I have in all respects the perfect set up – flexible schedule, working part-time (for my career), can work from home 2 days a week, professional career, good income – but I work in a service industry and I have to be available at the request of the client. I can actually handle the clients most of the time – it’s my boss/coworkers that cause the stress. I know I have a good situation and I know that they don’t like it, so I feel like if I don’t prove myself 200%, they can take it away from me.”
“I’m shocked at the…disapproval I get from people for being a full time working mother.”
“My husband and I have the same job (both university professors) and try to do the same amount at home. He often gets called a “Great Dad” and I regularly get told how lucky I am (if he shows up to anything at the kids’ school, for instance) and I often feel like I am being judged (if I don’t show up to something at school, for instance) and rarely get called Great Mom (except by my kids–which is lovely). I think my husband and I have it worked out pretty well, but society sometimes sucks with its expectations.”
Several people mentioned they were self-employed, which meant trading one kind of stress for another:
“Being self-employed is great as I have lots of free time. Time to worry about when the check is going to come…”
What’s the hardest part?
I asked people what was the hardest part about being a working parent. Not surprisingly, “Guilt that I can’t do everything well” was the top answer (41% choose this one). “Lack of time with kids” got 24% of the responses, followed by “Lack of time to myself” (16%). The marriage seems last on everyone’s list. Only 5% selected “Lack of time with partner.”
In one parent’s words:
“How about no sex since child #2 was conceived (3+ years)?! We’re both too tired all the time, and have no time to really reconnect. What little downtime we have we want/need to have to ourselves, or to do something that takes no energy (like tv or movie).”
For some, the pressure came not so much from the workplace, but from other parents:
“not sure how to put this – but in the circles that I run – I feel a bit of pressure that I wish weren’t there. It’s a middle/upper middle class pressure about making sure everything is just so for the kids. e.g., the school has to be a good fit (what happened to good enough?)…One day another parent at my school encouraged me to have one of my kids in a more competitive soccer (which would mean 2 practices a week and often 2 games on the weekend) because he’s got moves and would benefit from the higher level of training and competition…”
Here are the detailed responses. (Click image to enlarge.)
Of the 12% who answered “Other” the most common write-in answer was some version of “All of the above.” Other responses included “Not enough sleep,” “Feeling like I’m always rushing,” “There’s still not enough money,” “Civic involvement,” and “Being judged by others.”
“You ask about stress. As a working mom, it’s a constant state of being.”
“I fantasize about a Saturday afternoon alone in the house to clean the fridge. How sad it that?!”
“I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t measure up in every aspect of my life. Go to work? Miss time with kids. Work from home? Can’t give undivided attention. House dirty, laundry piled up, kids sick. The thread is breaking.”
“Both kids have special needs and really suffer from my absences. My wife really suffers when I have to work more than 40 hours a week, which is often. Weekends are also awful because we feel like they should be fun and relaxing but we have to catch up on all the housework and never get time off…I wonder why more parents don’t just up and die. Really.”
“I’m a great employee with an enviable education and career history who loves to work, but I have come to fear that the only job I can have to preserve my health is no job at all.”
What would make it better?
As Joan Blades and Nanette Fondas make clear in their book, The Custom-Fit Workplace, work-life balance is not a one-size-fits-all. Different people need different things, and those things may change over time. So it should come as no surprise that when I asked parents to choose one thing that would make their lives easier, there was no one dominant answer:
Other responses included “more affordable childcare,” “health benefits with part time work,” “less travel,” and being able to “turn off my blackberry.”
“In the 70s, our mothers changed the world’s attitude toward what women are capable of and opened countless doors for us, but we now need to take it a step further and recognize that 40-50 hours weeks do not work for all mothers, regardless of skill, intellect and drive. Shutting us out of the working world because flexible work hours are not an option is shortchanging so many aspects of society.”
“I wish there were more opportunities for me to grow as a professional while still maintaining my part-time schedule. I wish I didn’t have to choose between moving my career forward vs. having important time with my son while he’s young. I feel like I could do both if work were more flexible.”
Getting more help at home sometimes meant getting husbands to do more, but not always.
“When I say I wish I had “more help with chores,” I specifically mean I wish I had a housekeeper and a gardener, not that I wish my partner helped out more.”
“My partner (husband) is great about sharing tasks. That’s not it – it’s the finite nature of time and money. And the complete lack of financial security that I guess almost everyone feels – it hangs over me like a cloud.”
Some disclaimers
No survey is perfect. I’m just a former-journalist-turned-blogger, not an expert in sociology. The results of this survey wouldn’t make it into the journal Nature.
In the interest of keeping it short, there are lots of questions I didn’t ask. For example, I didn’t ask about lots of standard demographic things, like race or income level. I didn’t ask people’s occupations, although many people volunteered this information anyway. I didn’t ask if people had a child with special needs or grandparents who help. And I didn’t try to compare answers of stay-at-home parents with working parents. Instead, I just focused on working parents.
Also, everyone who took the survey opted into it. Which means they read my blog, or they know someone who knows someone who does, and they’re probably concerned about working parent stress to begin with. So this is not science. But I found the results compelling.
What did you think? And where do we go from here?
* Here is a PDF file of the survey questions if you would like to see the exact wording.
** In this survey, ‘full time’ was defined as more than 32 hours per week.
* * *
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wow. thank you everyone who took the survey and left comments that make me feel like I am not alone!
Thank you also Katrina for filtering through these and displaying with the pretty graphs, not quite sure how you are doing it, being one of the busiest working moms I know….?
Thanks, Angel. It did take me two months to get the post up, and I still owe Eric a mug for his winning “Mommy Strike” chant…
I need my coffee, so you better hurry it up. Our kids are breaking all of ours… 😉
😉
Excellent Post! Very thorough with lots of statistics since I’m such an analytical person. None of the statistics were that surprising at all but I saw numerous comments of individuals that worked hard trying to “keep up appearances” in their community or workplace. They are suffering from stress and anxiety trying to keep up with a lifestyle. I am a single mother of three children of which one father is not involved and the other father pays very little in child support – I’m also clinically diagnosed as being obsessive compulsive – yet currently I don’t feel stressed or have a stress related health problem. What I’ve done – changed my lifestyle – did more with less. Redid my finances, created a budget, paid off debt, ate healthier, exercised, un-friended people that couldn’t accept me for who I was, said no more often, meditated more, and even took up more blogging/writing and turned into an additional lucrative income on top of my regular dayjob. Writing is something I’d do for FREE. I saw a therapist to handle my anxiety and OCD behaviors and channeled that behavior into meal and budget planning. Taught my children to pick up after themselves and got creative with their routine, reinforced hard work and homework, and the importance of setting an example to each other and the importance of pulling their weight in the house. I took them out of extracurricular activities to focus on school and the house and to reduce expenses. Now I’m planning a trip to Hawaii in a few months and planning the ultimate Disney Cruise in 4 years. I don’t get handouts and I have no time for excuses but I realize my personal health is the most important thing because I’m the only adult in the house. Doesn’t leave time to stress.
Heather…so impressive that you have made this work. It does take a change of attitude and lifestyle to make it. I would also like to suggest age of children too. Was it easier to make yourself make these changes when your kids got older? Your post brought up something I have been thinking about a lot lately with regard to the work/family-life conflict.
Things seem more possible when the kids are older. I have noticed that now that my kids have just turned 8 and 5 that I do not feel the same intense urgency around my work/family conflict. It is still a complete mess, but I find myself believing again that I can manage it. It is like the magical thinking is back in full force. Will I still be able to “make it” the next time we get lice and the stomach flu on a day my husband and I both have “can’t miss it” workdays?
This is an issue that I think is important when thinking about making fundamental societal changes. Often when you ask parents of children over the age of 5 about the work/family conflict they are still completely stressed out (or divorced) but they don’t seem that motivated to change the world anymore. They got through it, you’ll get through it…just work hard, cut out things…etc.
I still feel stressed, unhealthy, guilty, edgy, but apathetic. I saw a mom at my son’s daycare dropping off her older child (3 years) a couple of weeks ago. It was her first day back to work leaving her 3 month old home with a caregiver. She looked exhausted, sad and tentatively hopeful. We talked about how lucky she was for this or that reason. I think we both knew she wasn’t lucky. She was entering what was the most challenging time of my life: a 3 year old, a baby and a full-time job.
I’m a divorced mom of 2 who is lucky enough to work for a family business from a home office. That said, I’ve decided recently that moms (or dads if that is what is decided upon in the family) really shouldn’t work because rearing kids is really a full time job. Even when the kids are in school, there’s laundry and shopping and cleaning and volunteering in the community and other things to do. When they are out of school, there’s baseball and swimming and homework and science projects and mealtime and bath time and reading time. And let’s not forget just spending time with your kids without a scheduled activity! Add to that the pressure from our society to “take care of yourself and not rely on others for help” (ie govt “handouts”) Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice but to be a working mom and do the best I can, which is all I can do, but I worry its not enough. Thanks for this forum Katrina. It’s nice to remember I’m not alone even though most of the time I feel like I am!
great post katrina and wonderful that you received so many responses. you are right, seeing it all together it does feel like a public health issue. maybe we need an org like Kaiser Family Foundation to pick up the tab and get this more on the national radar???
Nomi, You read my mind.
You hit the nail on the head when you said “public health crisis”. This survey is a great first step in generating awareness and you wrote a great post about it. Personally, I’d love to see these results publicized in as many places as possible to get the media talking about this issue.
We need a huge cultural shift in our nation, and I don’t know the solution. Focus group of one here, but I am a stressed out parent who works full time who took your survey and while it’s extremely validating to see I am not alone, it’s also really sad. I’d love to see some thoughts on the solution, what we can do, what messages we can shout, or some help from other media or even politicians in attacking this issue.
Again, great first step. You are taking on something extremely noble.
Thanks, Poker Chick. I’ve been a little frustrated at how hard it is to get these results passed around. I actually put out a press release (I used to do PR for progressive campaigns a long time ago). But no bites.
Pass it around anyway. Put it on FB. Email it to your friends. Maybe someone knows someone at the Kaiser Foundation who will look at it and decide to do a for-real study like Nomi suggested…Who knows?
As for a cultural shift, I think it starts with shining a light on a problem, and then getting more and more people to talk about it until they decide to change their behavior.
I am upset that I can be home wiht my 3 and 1 year old. I resent my husband who is wonderful man – I feel terrible
I meant to write I can’t be home wih my 3 and 1 year old.
Berta…I am exactly in the same place as you…from my kids ages to feelings towards husband…such an icky feeling. Email me if you get a minute.maybe we can get through this together ! 🙂
Wow, I never realised it was so tough for you working parents. I will be honest with you, I came to this site looking for material I could use in an advert about my home business coaching course. I personally don’t have kids and after reading all the feed back im pretty sure I never do. Although I am lucky that I work for myself online which obviously would be a help if I did.
What a great site Katrina. I came to this site because I am researching the common problems working Mom’s face today. I am a Personal Coach and Therapist and I’m currently developing a home study coaching course for working Mom’s.
I want to make sure that I can really help people with the material I present, so your survey results have been very helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. It is such an important topic.
I believe women are great at taking action. Perhaps by offering good information, encouragement and support, they can overcome the difficulties they face. If anyone would like to give me some feedback as to what ‘you’ would find helpful, I would love to hear from you. Thank you.
Thank you for the post, I almost got tears out. I feel I am not alone anymore.
I am suffering insomnia since working full time with a 1 year old boy, have tried all sleeping therapy, but didnt help. Had a holiday over Christmas, sleep back to normal, but once back to work it starts again. I am deadly stressful with full time work and a little bub at home.
I always thought other mums are doing much better than me, since read your article, I felt I am just one of the stressful moms.
I need Part Time job!!!!!!!!!!!
Katrina, thank you for bringing this issue to light. I’m sitting here at work having had another “talk” with the boss who is asking me to be more “consistent”. I have a 17-year old due to enter college this coming summer and a 2-year old who has been sick repeatedly and most recently. I too have had my share of sickness which continues to rare its ugly head. I think I suffer from a serious bout of depression and anxiety. I always struggle with the balancing act and want desperately to get out. I am the only one in our department with a baby and sometimes I think my superiors are not understanding. They were simply “mean” to me during and after my return from FMLA and I have had to go through so much. I’m on the brighter side of things now but I wonder what options I have. I used to love this place, but I think we are coming closer to the end of the road. This journey has been difficult and I want to feel like I can bounce back. I am reassured seeing that so many struggle but I believe it is definitely a fight worth fighting. It is truly appropriate to call it a “public health crisis”. I don’t make a lot of money and can’t afford to hire sitters everytime baby gets sick. I would love to see how income impacts results. If you have any resources that might help, please share.
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Shared this to my FB wall, very good!
Hello My name is Ratanak I am a student from Cambodia. but now I am studying in korea . but I was reserch on my reserch that related to the working mother and I saw you report above seem like it is very helpful for me. it is possible if I want to put your source in my report? my english may not good but I hope you understand what I am talking about. Thank
Fantastic survey & thank you , as a working Mum of 2 small children I can relate to everything here , made me feel like I’m not on my own
What do you find the most challenging or difficult working with first-time- parents?
I am a first-time Mom, who struggles everyday with just the basics as in getting a good nights sleep, getting my daughter ready each day, being on time, working out and balancing the work with life. Every-night, I write my day plan and do my best to do what I can. If the house is messy, then it stays messing until I have time or hired help unless its urgent. I say, do what you can and do it the best way you can with no regrets!
Wow, what an insightful article talking about many families facing challenges with life, work and time. I’d love to help many mompreneurs as I can however, the survey opens this up to challenge society to modernise how we perceive work, life, family and personal time. Most companies are not effectively equipped with dealing in families as they should be for example, factory life is very demanding work and the work hours are not flexible unless you have a really good boss but realistically that is 10% of companies willing to meet you halfway. So I ask, where the boundaries for working parents, and single parents are. How can we as a modern society assist working families and single parents? What is the median to balance, share and be proactive in finding a solution that fits for most families? I understand the working life of most parents and the burdens we face each day aka running a family home and keeping food in the fridge while pursuing our dreams and/or getting that promotion. The statistics here from the survey is most definitely eye opening to see that most parents, single parents face the same challenges, emotions, health issues and concerns on how to raise children in a society that grows slowly at 1% per decade in fixing and impending solutions for life balance for the average working families. I wish there was an easy solution and a fix to help those that really struggle. xx Erial
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this article is 5 years old but still really relevant. nothing has changed, how can society keep going on like this? so many parents are stressed to the max. life isn’t meant to be lived this way.
I am a working mom of two small children and my husband works shift work and it’s a dead end job. I feel the stress, to the point where everything in my life is just a too do list. literally everything, even maintaining friendships. I’m online right now taking a short break when in reality there are 20 other things I should be doing.
life is not enjoyable at all. and I don’t see it getting enjoyable anytime soon. sad but true.
At this point I could probably stop working and move to something part-time. My husband and I could “make it”, but not get “ahead” on his income. However, I’m terrified to leave the financial security of my corporate job. I’ve been full-time in the workforce for more than 25 years, and I’m highly educated. I am afraid that if I want to opt by in to full-time work at sometime in the future, I may have a hard time because I’ll be “older.” I delayed childbirth. My kids are very young, and I know they need more of me. I am exhausted, my health has taken a back burner, and I am tired of being afraid to change. I will make a choice this summer. My son starts first grade in the fall, and my girl will begin her first year of middle school. Life is about choices….I need to choose–and that is hard to do at times.
This really hits home. I was for a year after having my twins. I went back when they were a year old. Slowly over the last 6 months I have felt things reaching their tipping point. My husband works long shifts and sometimes we don’t see him for 10 day stretches. Getting myself ready, the twins ready, dogs taken care of, getting to work on time, it was all taking its toll. Eventually I got sick with a bad cold that would not go away after 6 weeks. Doctor made me take time off. I work in a male dominated industry and this isn’t going over well. We found out a few weeks ago that we are being blessed either baby #3. We are excited but I am terrified. Recently I had a breakdown at my ob’s office. She was completely understanding and has set up a meeting with a counsellor for me. I haven’t told work yet about the new baby and it makes me sick thinking about what will happen when I do.
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